first post from me....about nc

Firstly, hi to all the lovely ladies (and fellas!) on this site. I have been following all the postings for nearly 2 month's now, but this is my first post.
I havent put up my story yet, but like everyone on here have much the same story, it horrifies me the extent these sub humans will go to. My ex 'terror toad',is much like all of yours, throw in breast cancer, the death of both my parents in the space of 18 month's (and yes, youve got it...he wasnt around to support me with any of it)its been a hell and back ride.
I, again, like most of you am struggling with NC, but have, in the last couple of days decided to look at it slightly differently to see if it helps, and somehow it does. I dont call it NC anymore, i call it ST. Yes, that was terror toad's main form of punishment, and it drove me to distraction, which of course is why he did it! So ive decided to inherit just one of his hidious traits and use it on him. Its still essentially NC i know, but calling it ST makes me feel so much better somehow!! I struggle daily with wanting to contact him, even with all he has done i still have feelings for the revolting reptile, which of course i now know is just the fact im still addicted to him. I,like all of you was a confident,caring,intelligent woman who got sucked in BIG TIME by toad. I feel a shell of my former self, BUT, do now realise the insecurities i have carried around since a child is what allowed him to draw me in so much. This is what i have to accept and work on. It is soooooo hard girls isnt it!? Anyway, if you have read thus far, thank you, now i have broken the ice and posted i will no doubt post more in the future, at the moment the strength i get from you guys is all that keeps me going so thank you :) I also would like to say i find the postings from Sparrow especially inspiring, she has a fantastic way of putting things across. Some days i miss the toad so badly i feel i could die, but i know as all of us do we HAVE TO DO THIS, none of us deserve any of what weve been through at the claws of these beasts. Rambling a tad now lol, so love to each and every one of you,and god bless x