First post...

I've been lurking on this site for months....reading, crying, doing the work as best I can. In a nutshell, I was involved with him for over 7 years...I put up with cheating, lies, a gambling addiction and an array of abuse. I've been back and forth with him too many times to count. One particular D&D almost 3 years ago left me suicidal to be honest...I was barely functioning, never ate or slept, etc for about 3 months. Obviously this was before I knew what I was dealing with and I thought there was something wrong with me. I went back AGAIN and the real fun started...physical abuse started & escalated and I truly became fearful of him. That was the end.
I put his sorry ass out in August and I have zero desire to EVER be with him again... Which is HUGE for me. I still think about him all the time, I cry, I get angry...then I get sad...then I'm ok again (I understand this flip-flop of emotions is normal). I'm doing better than I expected...I didn't fall completely apart like I did before but I'm still not "myself". I know I'm depressed and grieving (over him and other personal things that I'm going through) and I know it's to be expected due to what I've gone through.
What I'm stuck on and struggle with the most is revenge. I'm just being honest...I want his life to fall apart and I want him to hurt and suffer the way I have...and I want to see it happen!!! I feel like if that happened, he would never cross my mind again. I know it's not right to think these thoughts...but at the moment, I pretty much hate him!
When will these thoughts pass? When will I reach indifference?

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