Finding the strength and the courage to move on and do so for good.

I received an email yesterday (Wed, 13 July 2011) from my daughters boyfriends mom and attached was a pdf The Path Forward...

The first pages (1-3) shook my body cause everything that I have been experiencing with my husband (separated) was on those first few pages. I was, no I am the serial returnee cause he makes me feel worthless without him. Yet everyone says I'm the one that can do without him and stand tall and start anew and he is the one who can't do without me so I always fell for his smooth talk. I believed that he could change; that he loved me 'unconditionally' (now I know what that term means - to luv me unconditionally). Two days ago I was going to fight for our relationship because he had an affair with my childhood school friend. She knew/knows how he has been treating me and yet she was ever ready to move in on my 'turf'. I harboured so much resentment and hatred towards some of my closest friends who knew about the affair that it consumed me; and he just carried on without a care in the world for my feelings. I begged and pleaded but he wouldn't let go of her and neither did she. But the tables turned on them because they thought all our friends and acquaintances would be welcoming of their relationship, but both their 'principled' reputations have been tarnished and I have come out being the 'Good Wife' so to speak. I've moved out and been living on my own for 2 months. I have a comfortable loft apartment. My daughter is 21yrs and my son (his) is 22yrs. I don't refer to him as my stepson because I've always treated him as my own and we refer to each other as mother and son. The relationship with my husband has affected all of us in the house so much that my son has haboured intense hatred towards his father and my daughter; even though she loves him immensely - feels I need to move on without him. He refuses to accept that he broke up the family that we had. Everyone was so envious of the life I was living (leafy suburb, driving beautiful cars, big house, travelling, etc.) yet the pain and heartache I was experiencing never showed on my face. I only confided in a select few who I trusted but one/two of them betrayed me and relayed everything I said to him.

I highlighted phrases, passages in the book that reminded me of his behaviour and things I referred him to [Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde personality, hot and cold, roller coaster ride, all about him, adored one minute and devalued the next]

Like I said, I was on the verge of wanting to go back [again for the umpteenth time] and stopped in my tracks. I just finished reading 'Confessions of Video Vixen' and the abuse she suffered throughout and then I received this book from a friend who wanted me to see what exactly I was going threw because I kept making excuses for him...he'll change, he loves me, he'll change. NOT GONNA HAPPEN and I realise that now. Two days ago I couldn't breath because I thought that if I don't speak to him soon about coming back he would find someone else. This morning (Thursday, 14 July 2011) I woke up feeling a sense of relief. I know I can do this, I just need to be strong. There has been so much abuse [verbal, emotional, mental and physical] that I can't understand why I keep doing this to myself. I'm 42 years old [my childrens friends tell me I could pass for 30 - sweet of them]. I'm healthy and fit. I cycle [take part in road races]. I have a small frame [my dress size is 6/8]. I can wear whatever I like but I won't stoop to look like a tramp. I can get away with wearing hipster jeans and short dresses and tank tops, so I do but respectfully. I have two children that mean the world to me; one my own and she is independant, academically brilliant, knows what she wants and where she's going and 'looks out for me. My son is not academically brilliant but he gets along, into name brands and likes the luxuries in life but doesn't want to go out and work for anything. In simple terms his spoilt and lazy, but wants to own a large house and sports cars and everything that goes with it. My life was always about everyone else and not MYSELF.

I'm finding the strength to do things for myself. I'm starting German lessons soon and have enrolled with the University of Cape Town to do a 6 month Project Management Course. This will look good on my CV.

Here's to new beginnings...again!