Finding Our Way...

Oh, my dear forum Friends…

I am so grateful for all of your responses. I will not allow myself to lose sight of this forum. All of you here have saved me time and time again. I have so much respect for everyone here battling for their sanity and staying NC. I do know it is the ONLY way forward. There is no being ‘friends.’ There cannot be any contact if I ever want to move on. I looked at the length of time I’ve been on this site. A long time. I was making progress. Feeling strong and happy about my life without the NARC.
BUT….

I looked back… I went into the ‘Liars’ Den for another ‘Look-See…’ I knew with all of my heart nothing would be any different. I was drawn by some strange karmic unrest. Isn’t that the way it always is with a NARC? The feeling that things just ‘might’ be a little different? It NEVER, EVER IS…. The ending is ALWAYS the same… In my NARCS case, it’s ALWAYS about other women, unnecessary lying and his insatiable need for attention from the outside world.
I no longer blame him for my return to his web. I am his reluctant prey that continues to be lured back into oblivion. I blame myself.
There is something inside of me that has not let go of the glimmer of hope that this NARC can be a normal man. I have convinced myself the side of him that is kind, loving, evolved, introspective, funny, loving and extremely deep will one day WIN.
When his brain allows this aspect of his personality to be present, I have hope.
He is Dream Guy at that moment in time. It’s as if he has Alzheimer’s. There are days his personality shines through, then there are days he is gone. I have learned to live in these cycles of consciousness, overjoyed when the man I love surfaces. I can almost chronicle the cycle.
This all sounds so strange, but I know my forum friends know what I am saying in this post.
Sadly, I always know as I am riding the crest of the wave, another downward spiral is ahead. ALWAYS!!!
This time, I wanted to participate. I know this script. I’ve had four years to memorized the lines. This time has been no different than the others.
He lures me in with kindness and peace. We begin our dance. Swaying sweetly. Moving toward one another. We connect. It’s magical. For those moments in time, we are so still and together. Then I feel the darkness setting in. The tone in his voice is different. His eyes change color, depth and shape(seriously). Then, he is gone. The NARC is back. The distancing and devaluing is back. We part…

Act Two… Three… Four… Five… Etc…. They’re all the same….

It is so bittersweet…
I will find my way to the light…
FreeMe