Finding it hard to move on

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#1 Aug 3 - 7AM

badjer

Finding it hard to move on

I am having a really bad time today and I don't know what it is but I cannot seem to move past this point.

I feel used, abused, let down and like he left a trail of broken promises, all because I couldn't just forgive, forget and move on in his time and on his terms. I hadn't seen him in 5 months, we barely discussed what went wrong, but he seemed to think I would just slip back into the old pattern of me being nice old me (doormat, chasing, lapping it all up) and when I didn't he went cold on me.

I feel so left behind, like it all meant nothing because he was able to jettison me so brutally and with such casualness at the end.

He cited doubts, doubts he had because we had a "history", a negative history that HE created, and then ran from. He was worried we would "move forwards looking backwards", in other words I was the one that couldn't let go of the fights before.

Was I wrong to want kindness, soft words, validation, recognition? Am I wrong to still be smarting and hurting about it? Am I just a spurned woman who can't let go of someone for whom I fell hard? is he just a coward in a man's body who couldn't stick around to clean up the mess he created?

And will he, as many have told me, live to regret his decision to cut and move on, or was it the wisest decision he made and I am simply hurting that he was able to do it and I wasn't? Because I needed to punish him that little bit more for how he had broken me down? was that me being spiteful and vitriolic, or human?

When will this get better?

#2 Aug 4 - 6AM

Hunter

It gets better when you,

It gets better when you, realize this man has a disorder, he can not think or feel like a normal person. Once you stop analyzing his "scrambled eggs" you can move on! His words mean nothing, in fact his life means nothing. You need to start living for you, you need to treat his as if he were dead! The mask has fallen, the monster has surfaced! It's not easy, but understanding who he is vs. what he has done is the best medicine! Knowledge is power! Hunter

#3 Aug 4 - 6AM

ruby01 (not verified)

badgerbruno

Your story hits so close to home. I think they just wait because they know from past experience that time does heal all wounds. They will make little attempts to test the waters and see if you will again be receptive. If not they will just sit waiting on their prey until they will eventually try again. They are incredibly patient. They also probably have other victims they are working on so they can just sit back and wait. The word rehash always cracks me up because that's the exact term mine used with me. They know eventually you will forgive. Unfortunately they don't get that you will never forget. So NEVER forget!! xxx, Ruby

#4 Aug 5 - 6AM (Reply to #19)

badjer

I am really coming to believe

I am really coming to believe he just used me for the time it suited him and when it looked like it could get serious, off he went. It wasn't 100% perfect as it had been before, so he went off. Either that, or it was all part of his payback plan. Or he was just using me for sex and decided I wasn't worth it in the end. Whatever it was - it wasn't love.

#5 Aug 4 - 12PM (Reply to #18)

badjer

Ruby, you have just said

Ruby, you have just said something my mother said and she hit the nail on the head, too. She said "he had incredible patience. He knew you would fall at his little emails, he knew you well enough to know he could wheedle his way back in and he would only be satisfied when HE dumped YOU as punishment, as the final goodbye." She saw it long before I ever did. That said, I must give myself some credit at least. I did say to her that he would love to regain my feelings for him just to be able to dump me in revenge - how spot on was I? Something else that occurred to me as I was travelling home was this. If he truly, properly loved me in the *normal* way a person loves another, not only would he have been kinder during the relationship, but by god if he thought he was losing the woman of his dreams, he would have fought and fought to save it. I have known heartbreak and devastation twice in my life - and in both cases (him being one of them) I have given it a bloody good shot at saving it because I loved them enough to do that. In his case, his failure and / or inability to put himself out for me indicates one of 3 things: 1. He never truly loved me at all, in which case, he was a scoundrel, a liar and a user; 2. He is too disordered and fucked up to even know how to treat somebody properly and wouldn't know even if it was tattooed on to his arsehole; 3. He is both of the above, never really loved me, used me for his own gain until my purpose expired, I became too much like hard work, and he fucked off. From what I know of (quote unquote) 'normal' men, they will go to extreme lengths for a woman they truly, madly deeply love. They will show incredible patience and kindness. They can be brutally cruel, as happened with my other ex - he slept with another girl to punish me - but he has paid for it and 10 years on he is still hurting from losing me. That, in its own really silly way, is love. Someone whom you meet once in a lifetime and actually, genuinely, cannot live without because life will always only ever be 60% after them. I know it took me about 5 years to get over him when I found out about that betrayal, but even then I still gave him 6 months to try and make it work again, but the trust had gone and it killed it for us. So with this guy, it's like it had to be 100% perfect for HIM, or he was off. My mother said "he no longer trusted you that you wouldn't dump him again." Well, yeah, he couldn't trust that. Neither could my other ex - I dumped him 3 times for being a prick and each time he was willing to try again and each time he tried to be better. This one I think just thinks in terms of "on my terms. Only on my terms. if she can't love me as I am she can fuck off." There is no room for other people's feelings. No room for compromise. The number of times I heard him say "love me for ME. Accept who I am or we have nothing." In other words, don't ever expect compromise, don't expect me to change for you, you know who and what I am, accept it or fuck off. I was like that about 8 years ago. Then I grew up. He is, in my opinion, light years behind. Oh and he will find a nice, young, compliant girl who gets pregnant easily (and it will be quick because he won't want to risk pushing her away before this happens and the mask slips, he will want to 'snare' her and pregnancy will do it) and by the time he is 35 (that was his magic age). But he will tire of her. and once she gets her feet under the table, she will start making marital demands like "don't you dare think you can go for supper with your ex wife" (as I allowed and never made a peep about it) and the rot will set in because he is a childish, selfish little c**T. Sorry about the C-word guys but I really need to let this out. xxxx

#6 Aug 4 - 5AM

badjer

In fact, the more I think

In fact, the more I think about it the more I feel that he really did have the last word in every respect. I was ready and willing to get into a catfight with him, because I hadn't been heard and I wanted - NEEDED - that engagement from him and to be heard, to make him sit up and say 'Sorry. I am SORRY for hurting you.' I was all for getting into that battle again because I had unfinished business, I did not have any closure. But instead, he denied me that. He looked at the situation, felt my resentment and hostility and need for vengeance, perhaps? and thought "Nope, I don't want to get into this again. I'm done". Which is why he said "we have a history now. I can't go through that pain again." All I could see at that time was my need to turn the screw on him, to wound him in the way he had wounded me, to make him open his eyes and see what he had done. But he never did. he only saw the potential for harm to him and he turned on his heel. He left me reeling, fuming in the dust, still not having been heard, still not having been validated, after all that. he chose NOT to engage. He chose to save himself, to walk, as if I represented too much grief and stress and aggro. That is what it feels like - as if I was just this angry woman whom he didn't want to engage with any more. Which is why I keep harping back to when he was in my life - because memories of his involvement, when he CARED enough to engage, are all I have left. He no longer cared enough to engage with me or fight for it. He was done, and it is not really sinking in that he is totally, utterly DONE with me and I have to just get over it. I have been left out in the cold and he has no interest in resuming, offering validation, kindness or apology. I didn't fit into his life, his plans, his world at the end and after all the plans and the promises he made. He just 'poof' changed his mind about me and about us. That cuts to the core.

#7 Aug 4 - 5AM

badjer

I know that everything you

I know that everything you have said is true and he was bad for me in every way. I think, maybe what I am feeling is a huge sense of shame because, in the final analysis, I was played, and played completely. When he acted out last year, it took a huge effort on my part to step back, hold back and not rush after him as I had done before. I held back and even then, he played the power card by not responding to my email for 2 days. He knew I was angry and smarting and wanting to hurt him, so he flipped it back on me and played the "I think we are over card". I then took him at his word and went total NC - which really flipped him out. The old me would not have done that - and that was where his anger and ego really cranked into overdrive. I think he knew, though, when he got back in contact that I had not closed the door completely. He knew me well enough to know that if I had, I would have maintained my ice cold stance, which I didn't. When I invited him out to talk and to clear the air, he knew then the door was still open and that I had been holding back for 5 months as a form of punishment for his shitty treatment. I think what hurts is that I held the door open for him, but he then took 3 weeks to slam it completely in my face. No messing around, no niceties, just "we've lost our spark. I have too many doubts." Whatever it was he was looking for when he resumed with me, I didn't offer it. If he wanted things to go back the way they were, they never could because I was too wary. if he wanted me to fawn and fuss over him again, that wasn't going to happen, at least not at first. I needed time to heal and see a different him. but he didn't offer me that time and instead, he has slammed the door in my face with such a resounding slam that I wonder if he planned it all along. That he needed that final opportunity to do the last dumping, to have the last word. My mother and friends think this is absolutely the case, because why else wait all that time and come back into it, only to back out again so quickly and suddenly? If he had any true remorse or wish to do what was right and kind, surely more kindness, regret and compassion would have been shown? So now I feel like I am on the outside looking in. As if he has said his final word, he is done with me, the shutters have come down. Why am I still looking back over my shoulder at his retreating frame? Why am I stuck in the past, in a mental rut where I feel rejected, lost, belittled and unloveable? Why did he come back into my life for such a short period, only to whip the rug out from under me like that? What was in it for him? It is that I can't get my head around. Plus, it's not like I have the time or money to get out and meeting new people. I am broke, working weekends in a bar (and the men are just not my type in there) and my career is on the skids. Hardly surprising I feel my life has stalled the way it had, really and I keep looking back. It's like my mind is in a mental loop of what was said and done and it was 10 MONTHS AGO!!! I'm saying to myself "get over it already, he has moved on, get on with your life" and yet I find myself mentally replaying our conversations, what happened, the clues, the signs, all of it. I still hope, every day, I will get an email from him about something. Anything, to show he still thinks about me. I feel totally, utterly lost.

#8 Aug 4 - 7AM (Reply to #15)

onwithmylife

Badger Bruno

You said everything i still feel and i am over 2 years out, i just posted something of that nature about being devalued and discard and he got the last word as well.

#9 Aug 3 - 4PM

Journey

Badger, you've just echoed my

Badger, you've just echoed my very thoughts when I was early in recovery. There is NOTHING wrong with you for still feeling hurt from your relationship with a narcissistic abuser. I WILL get better the more you understand more completely that all of the blame he projects onto you, all the discounting and diminishing he does to your feelings and even his ability to move on so quickly, are ALL part of his disorder. To think he is capable of processing emotions the same way we do is a completely false assumption and very hard for us to wrap our brains around, but he can't do it. Narcs compartmentalize all their emotions so they can easily ignore feeling anything deeply or real that could get in the way of their own agenda and constant need of supply. They always project the blame outward - toward other people or the circumstances themselves. Please see how his projection of blame has affected your ability to stop yourself from taking on so much of the responsibility for what went wrong in your relationship - you are NOT to blame for his inability to be emotionally healthy or 'normal'. The more you understand about NPD and accept how that always controls him, the better you will feel away from its influence regarding your perspective of him and of the role you played in the relationship. ((hugs))

Journey on...

#10 Aug 3 - 3PM

michele115 (not verified)

You are fine, he is an abuser

Don't let his disordered head trip get you to doubt yourself. This is the most vile thing they do, screw up then expect you to just throw your hands up and forget everything. NO!! You have every right to be respected, treated with kindness and to receive sincere amends. Something they will NEVER do, or mean even if they make a gesture. This guy is an ABUSER, you did nothing wrong, get to the anger stage, they're not worth your tears. It takes time I know, but they are bonafide pieces of....fill in the blank. Hugs!

#11 Aug 3 - 1PM

bakingfortherapy

badger...one more..

Mine always said ( once he started the mess).... "I am afraid you will always REHASH.." "We will never be able to get past the REHASHING and get to forgiveness.." How many times was I supposed to forgive him? How could I possibly act like nothing bad ever happened? How many times did he actions never match his words? If he REALLY wanted to FIX IT ( as he promised SO MANY TIMES!!))He would have!! SICK SICK BASTARD!

#12 Aug 4 - 5AM (Reply to #11)

badjer

Yes. After our first blow-up

Yes. After our first blow-up mine said pretty much "i'm scared you're going to change, that you won't feel the same about me any more, that we WON'T BE ABLE TO MOVE PAST THIS." In other words, if we don't it will be your fault for not letting go of the old fight, notwithstanding the fact that I haven't truly apologised for it. When we had our very last meeting, he said "you see, this is what I mean, we're analysing again and I don't want to move forwards looking backwards…" Yep, we were. And why was that? WeLL:- 1. I hadn't seen him in 5 months and I felt we needed to get to the bottom of what happened; 2. he was saying he needed more time, we couldn't be friends if we broke up but we weren't dating (WTF?????); 3. I wanted him to know he had hurt me and I wasn't the same as I was before. I needed him to know the damage he had done. 4. I needed to be HEARD. What did he do? He ran. Says in his dumping text "I tried to picture a future for us and couldn't. There are too many doubts." DOUBTS THAT YOU FUCKING CREATED YOU C**T! You hurt, you belittled, you made me cry, you acted like a spoilt 2 year old and now YOU have doubts??? YOU need more time???? I'M the problem because I can't let it go? YOU won't even allow me to breathe a a word about it because that would be me 'not letting it go'. UUUURRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH MINDFUCK!!!

#13 Aug 3 - 1PM

bakingfortherapy

Also a bad news bear..

Also, badger, mine made me feel like the bad news bear...After I learned of the OW.. I was hurt, upset, wondered how he could destroy and throw away 8 years together for OW....I was not trusting, scared, insecure, damaged... And OW was happy, thrilled, she "won" and was probably big fun... OF COURSE OW was where he wanted to be...so much easier than actually doing "real work" and facing "hard stuff" with me! Narcs dont like anything hard!! ( except...)

#14 Aug 3 - 4PM (Reply to #9)

Susan32

The OW gave him the hard stuff!

In my case, the ex-Psych prof was willing to throw away my emotional investment, what I saw as our friendship, with his live-in girlfriend. Now, the ex-P wasn't ever my boyfriend, it didn't get romantic/sexual... but I found it a PROFOUND act of disrespect that he NEVER told me about his LDR girlfriend. I would've been disappointed, yes, I would've been sad, yes, but it would have been EASIER to move on... if he had been HONEST. He KNEW I was in love with him. Not being invited to the wedding, in a sense, is harder than not being the bride. Then she gave him the "hard stuff" by getting pregnant&him marrying her... he's probably sentimental about ME! The ex-P ALWAYS demeaned marriage/childbearing... and his girlfriend gave him the double whammy of BOTH! And for that I'm grateful.

#15 Aug 3 - 1PM

bakingfortherapy

badger...

Isnt it so sick that they want to do whatever they want and expect us to forgive and forget and NEVER bring any of the damage they caused, the MESS they caused, we are never to mention it again! And everyone should LOVE them no matter what they do or how they treat people! Mine wanted me to be a good little dolly on the shelf waiting for the next time he wanted to "play" with me. And when he "played" with me I was supposed to be happy and sweet and fun and adoring and NEVER mention anything bad or uncomfortable!

#16 Aug 3 - 4PM (Reply to #7)

Susan32

Toddlers

Having a 2 year old nephew has brought me closure...(my breaking of NC was coincident with his birth) because I realized the nearly-50 ex-Psych prof has a toddler's mind inside a middle-aged man's body. Really, the ONLY difference between the ex-P and my nephew is age&tenure. Do I expect my nephew to apologize for messing up his diapers? No. Do I expect him to feel remorse for waking me up in the middle of the night with his screaming? No. Because he's immature. He's self-absorbed. I don't expect him to act like a mature professor in his 40s. Oh yes, when I brought up the damage the ex-P caused, I framed it in terms of comparing him to my baby nephew... I mentioned it AGAIN, I shoved it in his face AGAIN, as if it were a soiled diaper. I don't expect the ex-P to show remorse&apologize for the SAME REASONS I don't expect my 2 year old nephew to do the same.

#17 Aug 3 - 12PM

Caligirl

Badger, hugs to you

You're not wrong to want love. You were narced, so it will take time. I too slip back into thinking about N, etc. I don't think he would regret if he was a N, bc they don't work like that. I know mine won't. He turned it all around on me, pointed his finger at me and projected. I'm sure he will tell NS, I was crazy. He will convince himself of this and deny everything that REALLY happened, the promises, the pretty words. It's what they do. I'm sorry, honey. Facing they never really loved us is the hardest most devastating part. I can't sit with it for long bc it hurts so much. They're cowards, taking the easy road out is what they do, and they'll do it again. As for punishing...I can relate. I've wondered the same thing, if I left quietly to punish him for all the abuse, but I know I didn't. I still question this. I left without a word bc I knew he would continue his hurt, hang up, interrupt, talk over me, call me names. He said he taped our phone calls. Whatever. I was tired of the abuse, the pain, and knew he would never change, would never respect me, and it would only get worse. You did what you had to do to SAVE YOURSELF, like me. Be proud of that. It takes a strong woman to walk away. It was being "human." It will take time. We just have to take it one day, one minute, one breath at a time, even though sometimes we feel like we're falling apart. :( Hug!

#18 Aug 3 - 9AM

rosedewittbukater

I know

exactly how you feel. All I can say right now is that I am sending hugs your way. I am so paralyzed today after dreaming about the N all night. xx Rose

#19 Aug 3 - 9AM

spinning

badger, there's not much

I can add to the excellent responses you have already received. You are a thoughtful, feeling, strong woman who could not be manipulated into a powder puff. This should make you feel GOOD, not BAD. The disordered one will continue to repeat the same behavior over and over and over again until he's too old for anyone to pay attention. This is the truth! I know the confusion and pain you are feeling. It's a total mindf--k that they accomplish somehow. It takes time to undo the damage. You've progressed a lot and you will keep progressing. This will pass and it does get better. Keep striving and keep trying to shift the focus. It does pay off. Most sincerely, (fighting to keep from) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE. I CHOOSE MYSELF. NO ONE WILL TAKE ME DOWN!

spinning

#20 Aug 3 - 8AM

nancyh

Awwwww, Sweetie, You feel

Awwwww, Sweetie, You feel used, abused and let down because you were. You are not alone, it is NOT you, you were preyed upon by a predator my God, I said/thought the same EXACT words you posted, was it "because I couldn't just forgive, forget and move on in his time and on his terms", literally. Like you, my N thought that I should simply forget all of the mean, hurtful, vengeful things he had done to me because he entered AA and believed that "poof" all of a sudden since he was working on himself, what the hell was MY problem that I couldn't see that and just "get over it" - he said that I "could not forgive" and should (how convenient for him, huh?). N's have the unique (well, not so unique) ability to turn it all around and suddenly it's ALL our fault because we can't just forgive and forget - NASTY bastards. And we are left to doubt, "should I have just . . . " or "I'm a bad person b/c . . ." DO NOT LET THAT LINE OF THINKING GET TO YOU. It is a warped reality that the N wants you to believe so you will continue to be his doormat and just take all of the crap and bullshit w/out complaining, it is not you, it is HIM. NO, NO, NO you are not wrong to want kindness, soft words, validation and recognition, everyone wants and deserves that when they enter a relationship where you are told by your partner that they love you. The Ns cannot/or do not want provide this to anyone b/c, well, frankly, it takes too much effort to give a small fraction back to those that are willing to do anything and everything for them and why should they? I promise you that time does and will make it better, not completely wash it away or make you forget him completely but the obsessive thoughts will get better IF, in addition to the passage of time you are willing to make a tremendous effort (not to scare you, but it can seem impossible to do what I am about to suggest) on your part, meaning: (1) NO CONTACT - including peeking at his social media sites, googling him, trying to find out from others what he is up to and if he talks about you, trying to find out if there is a new woman or gf, not checking for texts or reading them or emails or letter or answering the phone (admittedly I have a hard time with the emails and texts) (2) You MUST, MUST, MUST do things for yourself, meaning, take care of yourself - go out with friends (no matter how painful) -read a book or two (arming yourself with books about toxic relationships, Narcissism are good choices) -go to the movies (even if it is to distract you for just an hour and a half from thoughts of him) -if you stopped doing any type of activity you used to love, resume/continue them -engage in activities that will BOOST your self esteem and self worth -if you can afford it, pamper yourself with a day at the spa, travel to see friends, etc. -if you can't afford it have friends come over with nail polish and facial masks bought at the pharmacy and create a makeshift spa (3) If you haven't, consider seeking professional therapy - even if it is to just talk about your experiences - my therapist provided me real "tools" to allow me to "stay in the moment" when my thoughts started to stray, which helped me tremendously; (4) Stick to this board, if you feel you want to interface with the N - Post here first; and (5) Love yourself, you are worth it. I empathize with you and what you are going through, it will get better. Love and Hugs to you, Nan

Nan

#21 Aug 3 - 8AM

Beach Dreamer

You Can Feel Better!!! You CAN!!!

It's getting better already... but you haven't seen that revelation yet! But you will:) * Keep looking forward not backwards. Stop playing his endless lies in your head. Revisit the pain he caused you if you have to so you GET IT! IF YOU WOULD HAVE turned back to him, he would have DUMPED you all over again. He is trying to blame you and manipulate you all over again. *Be thankful and grateful for the wonderful day you are going to have without him!! Make plans for that to happen. Go to the library, take a bubble bath, watch a hilarious movie, go for a walk, help someone who needs you, get a pedicure.....DO IT! BE GOOD TO YOU!!! BE HAPPY for the Day ! I really have come to believe that you cannot be Thankful and Grateful and miserable at the same time. CHOOSE to be thankful and grateful for all your blessings today! NOW! And leave that sorry man's ass at the CURB! BD

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