FINALLY Some Progress

I had somewhat of a bad day yesterday. My Daughter was supposed to come by to pick up some Valentine cupcakes I had made. After waiting hours, she did not. I should mention that my Daughter has been living with her Father since I tried to take my life last Spring. (The ExN had literally wore me down to where I wanted it ALL to just end). Her and I are healing and are very much involved in one another’s lives; but being the parent who had full custody, her absence was and still is, greatly felt. As I sat there feeling lonely, holding my 3 month old puppy(she is my “empty nest” dog), I cried. The tears eventually dried up, but many thoughts were flooding my mind.

I read the link one of you ladies posted yesterday about “Does Karma Pay Back The Narcissist?” which was on Melanie Tonia Evans’ blog. As I read it I found it a bit confusing. But what I think it was saying is as long as we continue to live without healing the true (as our truest selves with the truest of feelings) reason we have allowed Narcs to enter our lives, we will only repeat those same mistakes. I am a born-again Christian and am grateful for His grace, mercy and love. Karma is not something I buy into. I myself believe that my life has been pretty much written and I am just going through the motions. What this blog posting did do was make me realize how much I so wanted “karma” or “life” to dearly payback the bastard that ALMOST ruined my life.

Then my thinking shifted to where I asked myself, “Why in the Hell am I even letting him enter my thoughts anymore“? I mean, he will always be him…a NARC. He will not change and will keep reaping the rewards of his empty shell of life. You reap what you sow is how I look at it. Because he won’t change, he is doomed to keep repeating his same mistakes; and ultimately, will NEVER be content with himself or life period. I should be concentrating on my healing and permanently fix whatever it is that has put me in this situation in the first place. I, at least, stand a far better chance than him in changing my behavior.

My life will be dramatically changing in June with my Daughter graduating high school and then she will go off to college in the Fall. My lease is also up in June. I, for the first time in my life, will be asking myself, “Where do you want to live”? Although her and my parting happened a year sooner than it should have, I would have had to make this decision anyway. I went from Mom and Dad’s to first marriage; then divorced with Daughter in tow; remarried and divorced again; ExN entered our lives and Daughter leaving. I am now all by MYSELF!! I have been having anxiety and bouts of panic trying to figure out what it is I want to do for the rest of my life.

This made me realize that all the loneliness, depression, anxiety, panic and fear would be in my life right now with or without the Narc. The issues that led me to him are going to HAVE to be resolved. And these issues have been reawakened by the soon to be changes in my life in general. As Mom’s we all have to go through the “empty nest” years. My being co-dependant has allowed me to further fuel those bad behaviors by choosing the wrong men and staying in relationships much longer than I should have. For me to reach a point of true contentment, peace and happiness, I MUST start focusing on me and not him!!! He is where I need to leave him…far behind. I must figure out what it is I need and how I want to carry out the rest of my life. Not Hubby and me, not Narc and me, not Daughter and me, but me and ONLY ME!!

In one of his last voice messages he left for me he said, “…after a long time goes past, and everybody’s all grown up and you’re an old lady, you going to wonder why you don’t have anybody like me around”. He knew that being alone was my greatest fear. The thing I need to fix is learning to be by myself and content being with just me!! Although I do feel he will be the one who will become “old” (he most definitely looks it) and have nobody like ME “around”, he touched on the EXACT thing that I need to become comfortable with.

I truly am grateful for this site and all you AMAZING women on it. But I cannot read one more story or incident about the Narc’s. I need to start reading about how I can overcome and COMPLETELY recover from what got me here. I need to concentrate on telling my NEW story, not my OLD one. I need to change my destiny and if that be alone, than so be it.