Finally and long overdue

I loved you. I loved you with all I had. I believed that we were both on the same page. I thought that we were a couple moving towards a future. I was wrong, so wrong. You were never available, though you said you were. You never admitted that you had another whole life outside of us. You were married with kids. How could I have been so blind and stupid?

For the first couple of years, you were amazing. It was all about me. We traveled together, met a few of each other friends, and life was good. It wined me. You dined me. You were chivalrous. You were polite. I thought you were the 'perfect' boyfriend. I was on cloud 9. Then the news came to me (without me looking for it). You are married with a family. My heart dropped, but I did the right thing. I ended things IN PERSON as respect for you and the relationship we had. I wanted to see your body language. I wanted to hear the tone in your voice. You seemed shocked when I confronted, but you never admitted to. Instead you ran around everything until you could run no more and there was nothing left to say. You left my home cordially and as diplomatically as you could. That was the end, part 1.

We sustained NC for a year. I knew you were still coming around for business but I made sure we never saw each other. Then, work brought us back in contact with another and we began having drinks and dinner. I thought I was over you and was content with the way things were. That did not last long. WIthin a few months of "hanging out", new and old feelings resurfaced. You wanted to spend more time with me. You started taking me on business trips with you. I thought that maybe your situation had changed and you were working on courting me all over again. That went on another year and I came to find out that nothing had changed. I again broke things off. I wrote you a heart-felt diplomatic letter knowing you would never respond....and you didn't.

Almost another year goes by and you contact me. I was in a vulnerable state and accepted your offer to spend some time together. Shame on me. A monkey wrench was thrown into this 3rd try. You were a different man. You still displayed signs of chivalry. You were still affectionate when we were together. We still had fun together. But you bag to display mood swings. You would be nice when you wanted to be but it was definitely lacking consistency. I made excuses for it. And though the moments and times we had spent together were great, when we were apart the silence grew and grew. The warning signs were there, but by now I was so far into things that I believed that if I was just a little more patient...if I was just a little more affectionate and loving...things would get better. They did not. The actually got progressively worse and I started to question who was I to you. I have now realized that I am not. I was a big game for you. You were married the whole time and never had any intentions of leaving your situation. How F'up is that for me? Even your personality while we were away did a 180. I no longer knew who you were....other than the man I thought I had truly fallen in love with. I used the word "thought" because I really don't know how I could love a man who was treating me the way that you had been.

I watched myself dwindle. I watched myself loving you more than I loved myself. How wrong is that? I am now ready to walk away and stay away. I don't hate you. That does me no good. I was angry for a bit, but we all know that anger is one letter shy of danger. I am not just ready to move on. No more questioning what if. No more hoping that I really the woman he wanted. Aside from his wife and myself, I wonder how many more are there? I just can't do it. My ultimate goal today is maybe you'll wake up and see all the mistakes you've been making and realize that you have to start doing right; not for me but for your family. If it happens, great!! If it doesn't, you are no longer my problem. And at the end of the day, I may never know what really happened.