Filling the Hole

I'm only approaching day 2 NC and have a long way to go but I realized something yesterday. After I cut off contact, I panicked and as the day and night wore on it got worse. Horrible anxiety set in and I started to feel sick to my stomach, got a huge pounder of a headache, somehow my contact lens screwed up my left eye and left it red, swollen and tearing and I was crying hysterically on top of it. Nothing I tried to do was helping and I wanted to contact him so bad to help me through this. He was always good at making me feel better, comforting me. He was also good at taking that away and using my vulnerabilities against me when he didn't get what he wanted. Something I need to remember because a quick fix is just that with someone like him. It's temporary. I realized I have a huge, little girl hole to fill inside this 50ish body that I'm sure goes a lot deeper than just this. I didn't get alot of attention or comforting growing up, it just wasn't possible with the size of my family, and to top it off I have an alcoholic mother and a controlling father. I love them dearly, they are my family but I need to learn how to take care of myself, comfort myself so I feel whole. Why is that so hard to do?

I didn't call or text him last night and I made it through the night without dying. I felt better in the morning and all day today. I did, however, look like shit and had to wear sunglasses most of the day. What a sight! But I don't care, more important things came from it.