Fell for a clown-Twice!
25 Years ago, before I was married, I dated a handsome sexy funny professional RBBB Circus clown and I was crazy about him and he liked me alot too. We were in our early 30's. After a summer romance, he was given the opportunity to perform in Japan for a couple of months, and tearfully we split up and he left. During that time, I realized I had contracted an "ongoing nad forever" STD from him, (wasnt his fault) that I still carry twenty five years later. We never got back together when he returned from Japan and he was going back....
Twenty years later, Im married for 15 years, have a great son, home, job, life, but was feeling restless because my husband had intimacy issues(bipolar)and we rarely had sex, and it was rarely if ever good in bed and satisfying. We saw many couples therapists, but it became apparent that I had to grow to accept the situation or leave him, which I did not want. He was a good husband and father.
So I start looking for the clown on google and eventually after two years find him on Facebook. After a couple of months, one lonely saturday morning, I pushed the "be a friend" button, and there he was, crowing how wonderful it was to hear from me after all these years and that he always cared for me, thought I was great and felt bad about the way we split up.
I tell him Im married but lonely, he tells me hes in the process of getting a divorce from a Korean women he met while travelling in the far east and they had a daughter, and had moved back to the USA, his hometwon.She served him with divorce papers and "removed" him from their bedroom seven years into the marriage. They stayed together, but about 5 years ago, he was kicked out and moved into a metal industrial building that he had built and owned and was the landlord. She took the house they lived in and lots of cash. He feels he was the victim...I asked why he married her, and it was that he fell for her magnificent physical beauty and he had to have her.
WE joked around on facebook, he told me of his physical impairment of expressive aphasia from a brain injury he suffered and we thought we were on the same page.
Then the sexting began with him, and I wanted him too. He started telling me weird sexual stuff and was obsessed with money and the lack there of. He had me talk to his best friend, there were pictures of penis being sent to me via email, but never me in return. Weird antogonistic comments to me about how confused I was and that I should leave my husband! I decided after two months at this, that I would go see him for a weekend in another state halfway cross the country. I prepared for it meticulously, lost weight, got my hair colored, face peeled, etc....I though I looked great for a middle aged woman. He said he NEEDED beautiful women!
I lied to my husband, which is fairly easy as my husband has "privacy" issues, and dare not ask me details of my trip to "Vegas" with my girlfriends. My hub even drove me to the airport! To see my new "lover"!
My clown picked me up from the airport, said I looked great, and asked if I had had a face lift. I said no, because, I just looked young anyway.
WE get lost coming from the airport to his home, drive around for three hours, end up at his house, Im starving, he buys me a take-out fast food salad to take home. Unfortunately, because I was so nervous I had a glass of Jack Daniels, got a little (lot)drunk, and tripped in his apartment on my ass, he cared more for the spill on the carpet than getting me off the floor. After he scolded me, I got unhappy and somewhere, I think I fell asleep on his bed. (deleted explicit sexual references to his demanding narc ways)
Next morning, we wake up, we re talking in bed and I give him a little pleaseure, video taped, and I actually knew he like pornography, and I love sex.
we take another ride to a resort town, but again, we get lost and never find it and end up home again. Then we were planning to go out to dinner with his best friend, and I see, hes getting irritated...about what Im wearing mostly at that point. Not "country" enuf. We go to a restaurant that is about 20 bucks a meal, we eat, he yells at the waitress, we get the check. he pays, but Im getting steely eyes from him and he and his friend are whispering about something. I ask if anything is wrong in the car and he says he (and his "friend" think its odd that I didnt offer to pay for my dinner! Well, im thinking after I spend 500 plus on airfare, the effort, that he can take me to dinner, never thought twice about it...until I saw how pissed he was and that he shouldnt have to support me, and it was my own choice to come...
Back at his house, he gave me silent treatment, witheld affection and sex, told me he wasnt in the mood. I started crying and reaching for him, and after all the talk about the great sex we were gonna have, intense sex., he jumped out of bed and said if I touch him again, he was going to call the police and have them drive me to the airport! I never in my life had been so humiliated and embarassed. Im 56 years old! Straight and stable! Next morning after crying myself to sleep, I told him I wanted to go home, he left me outside his home for a couple hours while he went to an appointment, then drove me to a different airport closer, I bought ANOTHER ticket and it took me eight hours to get home a day early.
He never called or emailed to see if I made it or was ok. two weeks later I text him asking him if we should talk. He said yes, becaues I owed him an apology for assuming he would pay for me and that I called him cheap. I was so angry like never before. I wrote him a long nasty email, which he deleted before reading. I found your website and realized he is a flaming narcissist, moderately mentally ill.
This is the problem. I cannot forget him, he basically disappeared until I requested that he doesnt disappear. He still has control over me even tho were several states apart. I thought we could be friends, but he doesnt appreciate me, my nature, my intelligence or anything about me...yet I cant let go. I love my husband as well. He knows nothing and Im always in pain. That is my story in a nutshell.
No contact is best I know, but after a month I cry "uncle" and call or email. He lets me wait a couple of days til he replies. I know hes giving me a message, that Im too close...yet...
Although I think I can manage I feel very helpless.....
Thanks for letting me express and Im sure this site is VERY confidential.
There is no need to et him
Thank you. I am now NC with the Clown.
Dear Fellforaclown. I am
bi-polar, NPD, what diffrence
ffac, there are so many
Thank you...Im still learning....