Feeling yucky

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#1 May 21 - 7PM

loveofmylife

Feeling yucky

Sorry guys....just needed some encouragement, I guess.

Had to talk to N today to strategize about some issues the business is having that impacts both of us. We haven't talked in about a week or so.

He was his normal, sweet, friendly, happy self (ok, not normal, but the mask was good). He volunteered to take on a really tough meeting for me in a city a pretty a good drive from where I was so I wouldn't have to go. He did an amazing job and supported me and fought for my needs 1000%. I heard from the Bank VP he met with afterwards and the difficult situation we were having last night was all smoothed over.

these things always throw me off.

Then, he told me he was working from home after the meetings cause he is working "with someone" on his current job and they are meeting there. Sounded very sheepish telling me. He has used the "we" word alot re: his new job. He has never worked with anyone before, except for me....and the way he is so sheepish about it....and not using the "guy's" name, just makes me sure it is probably some girl, and probably someone he is interested in....or he'd come right out and tell me who it is.

Anyway, hung up the phone, and I've been crying all day at work, tight chest, can't breath. God I hate the effect he has on me!

#2 May 23 - 8AM

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

THE DAY I STARTED HATING ORANGE JUDAS........

it didn't take long, really.......it suddenly came to me....after he'd done yet another hateful nasty thing to me...said something cruel and heartless...... it came to me in a blinding flash of light that i didn't give a fuck WHY he treated me so badly.......i didn't give a rat's ass whether it was ALCOHOL...or DRUGS...or MENTAL ILLNESS...or a bad childhood...or ANYTHING ELSE....all the REASONS...all the EXCUSES suddenly flashed before me.....and NONE were good enough.....THERE WAS NO EXCUSE.....he treated me like shit because he LIKED doing it....and WANTED to do it....and that was all i needed to know......and suddenly the HATRED for him just washed over me.... and it never went away..... don't dissect this worm....don't analyze him......don't waste your time...he treats you like shit.....and he KNOWS he's doing it...he LIKES doing it.....and there is NO EXCUSE for it....none good enough.....none that he can offer up...or that you can offer up for him...... â€œI do not bring forgiveness with me, nor forgetfulness. The only ones who can forgive are dead; the living have no right to forget." - Chaim Herzog

#3 May 22 - 6AM

Monica

I worked with mine, too, loveofmylife....

Thankfully we are no longer in the same company but I and my department still have business ties to him. My life has been so much better since he left and since I told him I no longer wanted to see him or talk with him. But he still tries to get to me. Yesterday, he called his buddy/former coworker who sits in the cubicle next to me. I knew xN/P was in town, I knew it was him when he called, I knew he asked my coworker about me (I could hear the conversation). Even THAT small of "contact" (yes, I consider that contact) totally threw me off for the rest of the afternoon and evening. Like you - crying, tight chest, can't breathe. I know I will be okay today but incidences like that cause me a lot of distress and pain and bring back memories - mostly confusing and bad ones now. I really hope you can cut this loser out of your life. I know how indirect contact affects me...I know direct contact/conversation is much more devastating. I no longer ask about xN/P, I steer away from all discussions about him but I can't control things like what happened yesterday. I am thinking about asking to be moved away from his buddies so I don't have to hear anything anymore....no phone calls, no discussions. I know that I have to do everything I possibly can to prevent any kind of contact, period. (And I am in therapy and on meds.) Do whatever you can to cut him off and cut him out. He is telling you things like working with "someone" at his home just to get a reaction out of you, to hurt you. And he succeeded. And he will continue to succeed if you continue to have contact with him. Please, take it from one who knows first hand.

#4 May 21 - 9PM

Carolyn

The ability to understand

The ability to understand that they have normal intellectual intelligence but lack emotional intelligence is hard. He can do certain things well but lacks the ability to support you emotionally. He cannot change but you can accept. You are a fine person and recognize his capabilities now you have to accept his disabilites.

#5 May 21 - 7PM

quietude (not verified)

loveof...

Sorry you're feeling yucky...that's what a close encounter of the N kind will do to ya. Imagine the N was not around. What would you have done about the meeting? Prepare yourself? Drive the extra miles? Probably so..and I am guessing more than capable to handle it. This is how you have to start thinking...life MINUS him. I'm sure you could have smoothed over the situation as well with that banker, and have done an amazing job yourself. See, this is also part of what they do to us...we can't possibly handle things on our own...CONTROL, CONTROL. He is NOT amazing, he is a good con-artist, and expert bullsh**er...that's it. Of course he told you his personal plans...he's an N, his M.O. is to cause pain. And who does he want to hurt the most? Anyone who is not in 100% compliance with their sick, twisted version of reality...that would be you. Well the punishment worked. The more you shut this bastard out of your life, the better you'll feel. He's a cruel son of a B...but aren't they all?

#6 May 21 - 9PM (Reply to #4)

wallaby (not verified)

Loveofmylife

I agree with Quietude. Every time I would ask my exNH to do something for me because it was "easier" it gave him control and he used it. I NEVER ask him to do a damn thing for me anymore as it just feeds them and keeps you engaged with them. With them it is all about control and you keep handing it to him on a silver platter. YOU have control over YOURSELF - why not use it? After all you have read and posted it would seem you know you need to get him out of your life. Why you wont do it is probably something to take up with a therapist. How much more pain do you need? He made you feel jealous and unnecessary ON PURPOSE - probably because that's how you have made him feel by your distancing him. But the reason is unimportant. He is a SADISTIC CONTROLLING MANIPULATIVE SOB - he's not "amazing". The other thing you are not getting is that he will sabotage things. He may "help" sometimes - but they are nasty, back-stabbing SOB's wolves wearing sheep's clothing (at least yours puts on the sheep suit). This is your life and your business(your livelihood) that you keep handing over to him. You have been and are continuing to put yourself in serious jeopardy. There's something not clicking here for you about how serious this is. It's a question of taking yourself and your life seriously - taking care of yourself - think of your children too. Their well-being hinges on your state. I know its hard - believe me I know - but you are really stuck and none of us - our advice and stories - seems enough to get you unstuck- even really move you to the next level of changing your behavior with him. It may be that you have to hit your own "bottom" with him - have whatever that moment is that starts us on the serious and painful journey to reality and recovery. I just feel terrible to think of you losing your business and your mental, emotional and physical health over him - even with having had the benefit of knowledge this forum offers. I truly hope you can avoid it. I feel with you like I'm watching an accident about to happen and I can't stop it -and it is painful, frustrating and frightening. I am trying not to be judgmental - only share my true feelings in the hope it helps you in some way.

#7 May 22 - 12PM (Reply to #5)

loveofmylife

wallaby

"He is a SADISTIC CONTROLLING MANIPULATIVE SOB - he's not "amazing"." This is what I know I need to get pounded into my brain. But when he does something like this that seems selfless, I question it all again and get confused. I think he is just a really, really smooth con artist. Probably what I need to do is constantly pull that list out of awful things... and keep reminding myself over and over. Thank you for pointing out that he made me feel jealous and unnessary ON PURPOSE. He is so skilled at what he does that he made me feel like he really didn't want to share it with me because it would hurt me... but he is SOOOO SKILLED at doing that - it makes you believe that he really doesn't want to hurt you. But probably the best thing for me is to remember the email I saw to OW Married Emotional Lover....where he said to her "I know you don't want to hear this....but " and then he went into the story about how I was in love with him and wanted to marry him and he had no idea about my feelings for me (lie, lie, lie) Making it all sound like he was so hurt and needed to talk to her. But if he really cared about not hurting her, he would not have relayed the story or embellished it like that. He really only cared about getting her more obsessed with him... and more frustrated because she is married. So this story is probably the same thing with me. Get me more obsessed and frustrated, because he knows I've chosen not to react. And sadly you might be right, I may have to hit my own bottom, which is sad and unfortunate, but maybe that is what is needed for me to get unstuck.... since I know intellectually what is the truth, but aren't internalizing it completely for some reason. Maybe I should call his ex wife and ask her why they got divorced to hear the real truth. It is tempting. Thanks for all the thoughts and insights.

#8 May 22 - 1PM (Reply to #6)

wallaby (not verified)

Loveofmylife

If he hadn't wanted to hurt you he wouldn't have brought it up AT ALL. There was no need. Again, think how you would handle the same situation in reverse - you avoid those topics which would be like throwing salt in someone's wounds when they are hurting. It's not that complicated - that's what people do naturally unless they are sadistic. WHich he is. He got away with slamming you hard and seeming as if he was not trying to hurt you. It's not rocket science. He's not that smooth- it's pretty obvious. You're just so confused and brainwashed by him you can't see it. NC would be the only way for you to get out of his thrall. Might be interesting to call the exwife - but you have all the evidence you need in front of you - and its hard to say what fire that might ignite. You are vulnerable.

#9 May 22 - 2PM (Reply to #7)

loveofmylife

Sadistic

That's what it is....thanks for pointing that out. It is good to have a label for this. He truly is sadistic - lots of examples immediately come to mind! Alot of his sadistic behavior is making women want more from their relationship with him and stopping it right before it goes to the next level (whatever that level is)....and watching the pain happen. he MUST enjoy that or he wouldn't do it over and over. And somehow he makes it seem like he is all virtuous and that is why he stopped the progress of the relationship. But if he was really virtuous, he wouldn't lead it on to that point in the first place. So thanks for the label. That is very true and will help in understanding it all. I am obviously very, very brainwashed... as i said in an earlier post, i've been "swimming" in him for 20 years with communication all day long from him.

#10 May 22 - 2PM (Reply to #8)

helldweller

Sadistic

Yes, we could never, ever have a real conversation about what actually happened, because he would always blame my REACTIONS to his outrageous behavior for why our relationship stopped progressing. So, for example, if I got mad because he slept with someone else, he would uninvite me to his son's birthday party the next week, because I was "mad all the time." ENRAGING!

#11 May 22 - 2PM (Reply to #9)

loveofmylife

Our reactions

Funny story about you being mad all the time. Sounds like we are all "crazy, angry women on this board?" :) yep, same here. He would blame my "drama" at work for the demise of our relationship and why we couldn't be in a relationship anymore. That is was inappropriate. Have I been "dramatic" before in my 46 years of life? NO! Why was I dramatic? - Well, because he starting cutting me out emotionally. - Because he wouldn't even talk to me about why he was cutting me out emotionally. - Because he refused to go to lunch to talk to me about it for three weeks; making up a lame, fake excuse each time. - Because he was cutting me off and putting me down in meetings. - Because he started devaluing me and pretending like we didn't even know eachother - Because he started being verbally abusive towards me - Because he was forcing me to do things at work which were very uncomfortable to me and something I wouldn't normally do. As many times as I tried, we could never have a REAL conversation about what happened. He would evade every question, change the topic, and rage.

#12 May 21 - 9PM (Reply to #2)

loveofmylife

Quietude

Thanks..... :) Its good to have people to talk to that can relate first hand. Even my best friends, since they haven't experienced it before, have a hard time relating - as much as they try. It throws me off so much, because he is so caring, so supportive, so kind..... and then...quietly and slowly... "oh, I'm working with someone and having a meeting at my house..."..... And yes, he has beat it into my brain that I need him; that I can't survive without him (e.g. the battered wife syndrome my friends are starting to see). He actually did ask if I wanted to join him, out of courtesy, since it is primarily my relationship....but my day was insane today, and I don't want to see him face-to-face - it would be much, much worse. I lIke your insight on the being 100% in compliance with their twisted version of reality. I was probably 110% bought into it for 20 years...in fact I told him i was 110% behind him many, many times. He always commented on how loyal and trusting and full of faith I was; far more than he could ever hope to have. Now I realize that even he knew, at a conscious level, that I was perfect bait. And now I know the true meaning of what he was really saying...

#13 May 22 - 2AM (Reply to #3)

Barbara (not verified)

loveofmylife

thrown off? by what? something you now KNOW is 110% bullshit? that you want to go back to denial and confusion and pain? Narcs only do something if there's SOMETHING IN IT FOR THEM!!!! Believe me he loves toying with you... stop it. Now. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

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