feeling worthless

Hi
I am new to this forum . I am too exhausted to share my 14yr story but I am struggling with moving forward. Some days I feel I am no longer in denial but on others I wonder- what if he really Loved me; what if I am demonising him........
Anway I did soo much work on myself while with him, I cant face putting in the hard yards again. All the self help books I read, meditation, etc.....and now I cant face going back to use those tools when I most need them. I have lost Faith in them, as I am in so much pain and have lost the desire to help myself.
I have always thought that when you try in life, you are rewarded but it doesnt seem to work this way. and I am too tired to try again.
I feel so fatigued . I feel old and worthless having wasted 8yrs with a dysfunctional man who is self obsessed and then 14yrs with a narc.
I cannot find the motivation to even help myself rise above this. I have tried so hard in life to find meaning and now feel at a complete loss.
My spirit is gone.
I never want another r'ship, ever.
I am livig with my mother and sister and back in my home country after 23yrs in Australia. I have no friends here except the support of my family. It is like trying to adapt to a foreign country and I cannot relate to the lifestyle or people here so I am feeling vvvvlonely. However I am grateful for the safety and security of my family.
I know I have issues around self esteem and probably need therapy But I have never found a therapist I find helpful ( have been to 3 or 4 over the years ).
Anyway it is good to just express how Lost, Lonely , tired and worthless I am feeling.
I know no one can help me- I've got to do it myself.
Its been 2mths of no contact. I am sticking with it.