Feeling Used

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#1 Aug 19 - 9AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Feeling Used

Do any of you feel really used by the N that was in your life? I do... particularly today. IDK if this is a step in the right direction for my healing (anger). I suppose it is better than the huge burden of depression i typically carry with me. All the effor to function normally.

However, i just feel SO used! I didn't WANT my N!! I have always kept a journal and i went back to reading the entries of when he first entered my life (while i was healing over a different relationship) and i felt so annoyed by him. Like he was crossing my boundaries with his own agenda. I even kept the email that i sent to him telling him to stop the "love ambush" and that if he was going to be my friend, then just be my friend and that i wasnt ready for a new relationship. This man worked me over for 7 months... with me telling him that i appreciate his friendship... however i can offer him nothing more right now. Of course he played like the sweet, loving friend--"Jess i just want to be hear for you... your rock while you move on from your pain-- i truly care for you"-- blah blah blah.

The mask was on nice and tight. However i could FEEL that he wasn't genuine. I recall one of my journal entries where i said, "X is such a nice guy... but something feels wrong.... am i just feeling like this because i miss my old boyfriend or is X some kind of creep in disguise- I will take this slow."

Taking it slow didnt help me.... because he took it slow TOO! He kept that super sweet, innocent, fake, wonderful man on and present. Then he stepped up his game and like i said before started sending me a amounts of money that i couldnt believe. Said it was to make my life easier bc i deserved it and because i was such a good person. Then i started to think... hmmmm he has been sweet for 7 months, he seems to really love me; my friends were telling me he seemed to love me..... then i went and fell for him.

He was pretty good for about 2 months and then his neediness was SO much that i felt like i was taking care of a small child. Like if i were too tired at night to have sex and mistakenly fell asleep in bed with him- he would get out of bed and sleep on the couch. I would wake up in the middle of the night and run around his huge house searching for him. WHen i found him i would have to beg him to come back to bed... to not be mad at me. He would snap that i didnt love him and just wanted to use him. I would explain that i fell asleep (typically after 2 drinks bc i dont tolerate much alcohol). I would literally beg his forgiveness....then of course- even if i was still tired and it was 3 in the morning and feeling upset still bc he was acting like a child- he would insist we had sex. He was draining.

Our relationship kept spiriling downward. I was always trying to reassure and love him... then dealing with his mean putdowns... just a rollercoaster!

I FEEL USED! I didnt want him ... however HE wanted me and as a result he used me for what he wanted... spit me out and now tell me to leave him alone. I now know he was cheating with his ex (his daughter's mother) throughout our entire relationship... WHY?

WHY use me.... i didn't want him. I wish i could go back to feeling like that woman over a year ago who felt like he was a bad person and just no longer want him anymore.

Instead-- i hate to admit this, but i wish he would call or text me or email me. Not to have him back... but so that i can have my power back. It would make me feel better... not like a throwaway if he would try to have me again. Knowing that he has not come back for me TELLS me he is playing his games with someone else.

I feel so used and hurt.

Aug 19 - 10PM
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Barbara

Oh Barbara, I have to say I don't even know you but you are one of the most wonderful women in the world. To use your wisdom and painful, horrific experiences to help women like me is a gift, you reply to every single one of us so none of us feel like nobody cares and you always give the right answers and the right links! This post has helped me more than anything in the world and I am going to print it out and read it over and over and over. I'm so hurting right now, feelig worthless and trashed and this blog and forum is the bst in the world, we can all voice our pain and sorrow and it is a safe haven for us to start to heal. I've learnt so much from this forum and it is wonderful and like you said, I think I am deprogramming from a vile man who took everything from me. Do you let people -email you directly? There are a few things I'm not comfortable posting on the web here but would lvoe to chat if you can or if not that's ok too, happy to keep posting my pathetic story and life here. I'm SO unhappy I feel drained, pathetic, weak, used, worthless, done over by a bad man and I don't know how I am going to move on. I wasn't even his girlfriend and ths is what he did to me. I hate him I hate what he did to me I hate what I did. All I had to do was walk away slap him (again) tell him he is a dirty sleaze not worthy of anything human decent and loving but instead...I let him use me. I let him ignore me for 3 weeks and still gave him sex. Sex is not to be taken lightly, you are giving part of your soul to someone doing that and all he did was take. he just USED me for sex and entertainment nothing more and I let him do it. I let him - my therapist said he is a worthless man and asked me why I don't feel worthy enought o be with a worhtless man - but I can't help it , I feel worthless. I know he is bad I know he is evil but I still feel rejected litttle small and well, I feel like a concubine. I am NOT this person! I've worked hard all my life, I had 2 degrees, I am respected at work and with friends and family I am good to my nieces and nephews and I really play with them and buy them presents and help out with my sisters kids. I really do. I'm a good person so why does this ONE WEASEL make me feel pathetic? I don't understand I'm so unhappy and confused and hurt and sick and I feel like the world's biggest reject. He is out there. Having fun. Having sex with her, making plans with her, going on dates with ehr and she thinks I am a pyscho pathetic person. they are both out there laughing at me. I did nothing wrong. all I did was hope and love (a worthless man). I hate this situation I hate who I am I ahte who he made me me. How DARe hw use those filthy words to me. How DARE he. BUt I let him. I let him. It's my fault EVEYRYTHING IS MY FAULT.
Aug 20 - 12AM (Reply to #9)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cupcake

You can email me but chatting would be another thing... as most know I am working towards my counseling certification and anything about your situation I'd have to charge for. http://one2one4victims.webs.com But feeling worthless is normal. It's a phase. You are not going to snap out of it because your therapist tells you too. It will take many months but it will happen. Print it out and post it where you will see in numerous times a day. Just remember HE SEES EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE THE SAME WAY: someTHING to serve him, someTHING for him to play with... EVERY SINGLE PERSON IS AN OBJECT TO HIM. http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2008/01/worry-worry-woory.html This says VOLUMES about him... and only good things about you for anyone who has eyes to see. http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2008/03/responsibility-wrap-narcissist-hurts.html Heh - according to my exNH and Psycho-Boy I am a "horror... a fat lazy pig... a predator... a nymphomaniac..." and according to my late NarcMother I was "useless... a freak... an embarrassment.." yet you say I am "wonderful." As you can tell - beauty is in the eye of beholder... and if they're pathological - any judgment they pass on you is bullshit. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone
Aug 19 - 8PM
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yes - used, discarded and worthless

Hey Jess, I feel very used worthelss discarded stupid all the bad words I am feeling about me right now. I gave this guy so much. Cooked him SO many dinners, opened up my home to him, gave him my heart, my body and wasn't demanding in any way and put up with his weirdness thinknig it could grow into something more. Let him message me whenever he was drunk and lonely (even though he had a girlfriend) let him stay online with me on Saturday nights all night (even though he had a girlfriend - why wasn't he with her) when I should have bene paying attention to my friends. For nothing. Everything was for nothing. He discarded me like a piece of trash, got his sister to call me to tell me never to contact him again and he is walking free and happy with his girlfriend. Gets away with it. All I did by trying to expose him was make him extra careful about how he goes about his business now. And she didn't believe it she thinks I am some crazy girl that is in love with him and cna't have him and is stalking him which isn't true but that is what he has told her and she believes and loves him. I hate it. I feel like a USED piece of trash loser. He is out there having fun while the rset of his victims are suffering. hey did anyone have trouble standing up to their N's? I really struggled put up with so much crap - you couldn't pull them up on anything he had a way of turning it back on me and making me beg him back!
Aug 19 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

not useless

Look at all these RED FLAGS: Cooked him SO many dinners, opened up my home to him, gave him my heart, my body and wasn't demanding in any way what about you? your needs? now you know to ask for, require and demand your needs be met as well. Always! Do not be a doormat ever again! If you act like a doormat - you will always be treated like one. and put up with his weirdness thinking it could grow into something more Narcs convince us it could be something more. Psycho-Boy did soooo many bizarre things in the first 15 months of our relationship - I look now and see they were MASSIVE RED FLAGS that I was dealing with a personality disorder. This is a wonderful lesson for you cupcake - and don't ever forget it - wierdness? just once? BUH BYE... there are other decent guys out there. You do NOT have to put up with any jerk ever! Let him message me whenever he was drunk and lonely (even though he had a girlfriend) That sounds like he was using you like a free whore. He's a pig. let him stay online with me on Saturday nights all night (even though he had a girlfriend - why wasn't he with her) when I should have been paying attention to my friends. I hear you... now - 5 years later - I will never forgive myself fully for not being more attentive to my children and letting Psycho-Boy use me for his fun, games & supply. UGH! hey did anyone have trouble standing up to their N's? I really struggled put up with so much crap - you couldn't pull them up on anything he had a way of turning it back on me and making me beg him back! They TRAIN YOU to be that way... question them once and they withdraw... call them on something once - they disappear... and you learn NEVER to do that if you want to keep them around. The bottom line is - you SHOULD BE ABLE to question them or call them on their B.S. without their PUNISHMENT. If another guy does this ONCE to you ever - TELL HIM IT'S OVER. NON-NEGOTIABLE. What they all do is called: MAKING YOU WALK ON EGGSHELLS... here's a great video for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxTddQM-d08&feature=player_embedded It's not the way to live - it's all about them - it's draining and exhausting. You're a slave to the whims & moods of a pathological... With Narcs you end up apologizing for things you never even did - it's projection, blame shifting and oodles of supply for these vampires. MASSIVE RED FLAGS! ...the charming, exciting, and attentive psychopath has portrayed himself as wonderful. The last thing they expect, or want to accept, is that this charmer is going to turn into a viper and that they will learn that everything they lived was a lie. They don’t expect that every sensitive thing he said about them is going to become horrible things said about them; everything he has told them about himself, his history, or other details is a lie; that his purpose in the relationship is not to love and cherish but to dominate and get his deviant needs met through any means he can; that everything they told him in confidence about themselves will be later used against them; that all his pontificating about life, relationships, love, community, family, children, God, or anything else was not at all what he believed. What really occurs is that the women fall in love with a life-size cardboard cut out which is a “look-a-like” of a real man. These are the cardboard cutouts of life-size people you see in Blockbuster Video. The psychopath and the stage of his luring are as shallow and phony as the cut out. With a complete straight face, he can say one thing and do another, do something and say the opposite, or say and do the opposite of what he did last week. These dichotomies produce serious distress in the women because of the chronic instability in the relationship. As they try to align themselves with his belief system, it shifts. As they try to align with his behaviors or promises, these shift. This constant shifting and moving keeps women off-balance and continuously striving to stabilize the relationship. Once he convinces her that their relationship is normal, then he can start to shift her reality further and further off base. He sets up a double bind where she begins to work harder at the pathological relationship (based on her high relationship investment) while he is telling her she just isn’t measuring up and “no wonder she has had no successful relationships.” The double bind keeps her jumping through his hoops while he sits on the sidelines telling her to jump even higher. The harder she works, the more she fails. - Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS Before you EVER date again I hope you get & read a book called 'HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN'. It's an Absolute MUST READ for anyone even considering dating once the 18 months of deprogramming from them is done. It was NOT all for nothing. You have learned a valuable lesson. You WILL not tolerate that nonsense even one second from anyone ever again. You will learn you do NOT have to have a man to be happy or complete... that having a partner is a PART of your life NOT A GOAL. He however will go on sucking the souls out of vulnerable people, ruining and finally live in a dark place where all EVIL like him ends up eventually. REMEMBER: "Pathologicals only discard the best, the most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They keep fellow abusers, gossips & enabling lackeys close. They despise the principled & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation!" - A. Valerious ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone
Aug 19 - 6PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jessika

He's having fun, laughing, having sex, luring/charming, getting attention from some new little hottie (he only sees the model type) and i am here feeling like I'm about to fall apart. If you call that 'fun.' Is that your idea of 'fun' - using women for sex and making them feel like crap when you're done using them like toilet paper? That's not my idea of 'fun.' It's my idea of a soul-less dirtbag with no conscience. That's EVIL, not fun. 'Emotional Rape Syndrome' was the first book I read after the Psycho-Boy fallout and it (and my therapist) literally saved my life. So YOU practice NO CONTACT too... maybe months or even years when he decides to see if there's anything more he can squeeze out of you until you're lifeless. You have power he will NEVER have. You still have your soul, your heart and your humanity. Thank God... and NO CONTACT ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone
Aug 19 - 9AM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

jessika

YES!!! But more than that, it's a whole new level of used I didn't think was possible for me to fall for. This is that part that's infuriating. It's like 'surprise, smart person, you've been HAD!' I try not to think about it too much, especially in sexual terms, because it just makes me want to stay in the shower all day, feverishly scrubbing him 'off' of me. But, going forward, I promised myself to be well armed to do whatever I can NOT to be used again in this way.
Aug 19 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

feeling used

we ALL feel used - of course - because that's exactly what they did: USE US!! http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/08/19/emotional-rape-syndrome This 'used' feeling is a huge component of Emotional Rape and PTSD. NO CONTACT NO CONTACT you will NOT get your power back you will NOT have the last word BLOCKING ALL CONTACT FROM HIM is the most powerful message he could get!! DO NOT SPEAK TO HIM - just read on this board what a HUGE mistake that is! NO CONTACT! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone
Aug 19 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
Jessika (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks Barbara I read the

Thanks Barbara I read the Michael Fox (emotional rape book) last month. I think it was one of the most helpful books i read... because prior to that i felt so guilty and overwhelmed with pain. I think it is him who is practicing no contact... it was i who wanted to talk to him and him telling me to leave him alone... that i was a sweet girl, but obviously i had issues with being too negative and wont accept him for who he is. So he initiated the no contact. As far as he is concerned- i am complying with his wishes. Although.... he did send a little "how are you" text- to which i didn't respond- however that wasn't really him reaching out or wanting anything. IDK.... i feel like i need something from him in order to be further along in my healing. He stole a part of me and i want it back.... I need him! I need him to contact me so that i can feel like he regrets letting me go. I shouldnt have been the one who was dumped. I was the good guy! He's having fun, laughing, having sex, luring/charming, getting attention from some new little hottie (he only sees the model type) and i am here feeling like I'm about to fall apart. I think i am having one of my really bad days. Maybe crying it out will help relieve some of this pain today. Jess
Aug 19 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jess

I can relate to your post. My N was in another country and had teenage kids there. I remember being a very strong, smart, level headed woman then. I told him that our relationship could wait until his kids were grown before he came to the US to start a life with me. But he didnt listen. Anything I ever said that would stall what he wanted was just put aside. Didn't he care about leaving his kids? NO! Same way he didn't care when he left me when he was through with me! Everyone is like garbage to him. Not people. Just things he uses and throws away. I'm working on myself. Trying to get back that strong woman I used to be. This site helps alot and the support from the members. I read here everyday.