Feeling Used
Feeling Used
Do any of you feel really used by the N that was in your life? I do... particularly today. IDK if this is a step in the right direction for my healing (anger). I suppose it is better than the huge burden of depression i typically carry with me. All the effor to function normally.
However, i just feel SO used! I didn't WANT my N!! I have always kept a journal and i went back to reading the entries of when he first entered my life (while i was healing over a different relationship) and i felt so annoyed by him. Like he was crossing my boundaries with his own agenda. I even kept the email that i sent to him telling him to stop the "love ambush" and that if he was going to be my friend, then just be my friend and that i wasnt ready for a new relationship. This man worked me over for 7 months... with me telling him that i appreciate his friendship... however i can offer him nothing more right now. Of course he played like the sweet, loving friend--"Jess i just want to be hear for you... your rock while you move on from your pain-- i truly care for you"-- blah blah blah.
The mask was on nice and tight. However i could FEEL that he wasn't genuine. I recall one of my journal entries where i said, "X is such a nice guy... but something feels wrong.... am i just feeling like this because i miss my old boyfriend or is X some kind of creep in disguise- I will take this slow."
Taking it slow didnt help me.... because he took it slow TOO! He kept that super sweet, innocent, fake, wonderful man on and present. Then he stepped up his game and like i said before started sending me a amounts of money that i couldnt believe. Said it was to make my life easier bc i deserved it and because i was such a good person. Then i started to think... hmmmm he has been sweet for 7 months, he seems to really love me; my friends were telling me he seemed to love me..... then i went and fell for him.
He was pretty good for about 2 months and then his neediness was SO much that i felt like i was taking care of a small child. Like if i were too tired at night to have sex and mistakenly fell asleep in bed with him- he would get out of bed and sleep on the couch. I would wake up in the middle of the night and run around his huge house searching for him. WHen i found him i would have to beg him to come back to bed... to not be mad at me. He would snap that i didnt love him and just wanted to use him. I would explain that i fell asleep (typically after 2 drinks bc i dont tolerate much alcohol). I would literally beg his forgiveness....then of course- even if i was still tired and it was 3 in the morning and feeling upset still bc he was acting like a child- he would insist we had sex. He was draining.
Our relationship kept spiriling downward. I was always trying to reassure and love him... then dealing with his mean putdowns... just a rollercoaster!
I FEEL USED! I didnt want him ... however HE wanted me and as a result he used me for what he wanted... spit me out and now tell me to leave him alone. I now know he was cheating with his ex (his daughter's mother) throughout our entire relationship... WHY?
WHY use me.... i didn't want him. I wish i could go back to feeling like that woman over a year ago who felt like he was a bad person and just no longer want him anymore.
Instead-- i hate to admit this, but i wish he would call or text me or email me. Not to have him back... but so that i can have my power back. It would make me feel better... not like a throwaway if he would try to have me again. Knowing that he has not come back for me TELLS me he is playing his games with someone else.
I feel so used and hurt.
Barbara
cupcake
Yes - used, discarded and worthless
not useless
Jessika
jessika
feeling used
Thanks Barbara I read the
Jess