Feeling guilty

Ok Jen, Im following up, what's your ideal plan to move forward? I'm so excited for you and excited to hear about the airline position! Hugs for moving forward and away from the Narc! Idealk

Hi Jen, i understand how you feel. I have had a difficult time with guilt all the time i have been off and on with exN and now blocking him and we ended off realy bad cause i blew up and all he did was say nice things before that but i felt it was all manipulation so i panicked because of all the let downs and crap. it was a hard time after but know i know that Jesus wouldnt want us to be around someone who will only cause us harm and not treat us like a human being. in the bible it says that a man should love his wife and also that he should treat her like the love he has for the church.( sorry if im butchering it ) he does neither one. Also in a sermon i heard it says in order for a woman to respect her husband or a man in the relationship is if he loves her ( woman needs to have that unconditional love, securtity and affirmation)..they can not do that..so we are always left on edge and waiting for the next shoe to drop..which causes us to get anxiety and not feel secure lash out get insecure even more.and act completely different than who we are.all because of their actions..its amazing how differnt i want with others..i was like adiffernt person wiht him and i know its the traumas we all went through.but i took on all the blame and said it was all me and my fault and how could i act like that...they want us to act like that and feel guilty and doubt. that is what i had to finally realize.. God knows our intentions and hearts..anything that we regret or said or did that may have not been very proud of..God knows that they drove us to it and we were traumatizied.and he also knows that we want to be forgiven if we did do anything wrong either way.he knows everyhtin gand he knows our hearts. im sure all of us had a traumatic childhood in some form, or def things that atleast hurt us..just like they did..but we chose not to hurt others and to try to see things from other perspectives..they have a choice they dotn care....i stayed all of my 20's almost becuse of the guilt, the excuses, the what ifs..and the hardest thing to come by is that they are incapable of seeing our worth or who we are.all they are is empty promises and false words and hooks and baits...God will bring otehrs in their life that wont be as damaging as a romantic partner that he can try to speak truth too..but even then the N has to really repent and really want it. God crys everytime these guys decieved us, abused us, witheld , strung us along..lied to us...all of it...and whether unconcious or not..there are going to be consequecnes for them.and the consequence has to be NC for them..they have to see it that is the only way and even still they will jsut think its all us!. if we had bought what they said or allowed them to be our friends or wathever ,,they would have just used us and we would have just enabled them..my counselor said their rock bottom is diff..they owuld have to lose everythin gand anyone to really see it..and even then they always seem to land on their feet and haev support now matter what. no matter what they say or how poor me they seem..i really believe that i finally came to terms with the hidden arrogant, the lack of remorse and the extreme fabrication of everyhting..they will always rationalize it..no one is perfect so they will always have something on us..also they expect us to give themn unconditional love but they would never for us...when i flipped out a few weeks ago and then blcoked him..yes i knwo it may have all been from the past and the fact that i was scared to trust again wiht him..he could hae tried to undresatnd and figure it oit..but when i was doing that he just ignroed me and made me feel crazy and then didnt want to talk to me and said i was annoying..he thought that would get me in line..but i blocked him..while he left thinking im crazy, drastic and just dont trust him but he udnersatnds ( ok) always to make you doubt, regret and feel bad and teh bad guy who messed it all up...all these feelings is exactly what they want so they can use us forever!...sorry for blabbing i hope this validated you in some way.

Have you decided where your gonna go yet? I'm sooo excited for you! I heard Ireland is super amazing and the boys have those cute accents. lol

I don't feel guilty. I feel free. They didn't feel guilty when they were using and abusing us. As far as god goes, I think he wants me to be happy and I believe he led me to NC. If you are feeling guilty and worried about how God will judge you maybe you should try praying for your narc. Pray for the past and future women that he has hurt and will hurt. Pray that he someday gets on the right track and finally stops hurting people.

I did at first but you have to realize that God expects us to protect ourselves. He cant do all of the work. He expects us to do some of the heavy lifting and we have done so will show us comfort. You are not doing anything wrong this guy has made it clear that he wants NC as did mine. When is the last time he has been to see you? How long did the relationship last and how many times did you see him?

You to take care of his creation--yourself. And God does not want you to enable evil--encouraging, aiding & abetting the kind of devastation which personality disordered persons cause. These types break all the Commandments.

I talked to a Buddhist teacher several months ago, and the subject of discussion was compassion. It was about being compassionate towards another's wrongdoings... and I felt "wow, maybe I had lacked compassion towards the ex-Psych professor." I talked about how I had left without saying goodbye, without a word, without even telling his colleagues--and the Buddhist teacher said that I had stopped enabling abuse. That released me from the guilt. Enabling abuse and compassion are NOT the same thing. I did love the ex-P unconditionally. I still do. I don't expect him to come to my doorstep, slimmed down, tanned, with a smile on his face and roses in hand (it would probably creep me out, thank goodness a mental hospital is a short drive from where I live) You DID love your ex-N unconditionally too. You simply stopped enabling his abuse. It was compassionate. Just like I wouldn't supply booze to an alcoholic, I had to stop. Compassion sometimes means tough love. It's the reason why I didn't have sex with the ex-P. For me, sex outside of marriage is sinful;he was a cerebral Narc, so withholding sex&being practically asexual is his routine&he gets off on it anyhow. I withheld sex from him, not as a power trip, but out of compassion. Giving myself to him sexually would've enabled his bad behavior. Remember, you ARE acting compassionately.

Yes, I have felt like that. I am a religious person and struggled with the same concepts as I was omitting the N from my life. I did love mine unconditionally, I took him as he was, I knew his crap from childhood and where it came from, and I accepted it and him. I was ALWAYS there for him. That's exactly why he couldn't be with me. See, if you deny them and walk away, it makes you just like everyone else. If you stay and love them knowing what they are, they can't respect you because he knows better than you what he is and does not believe he's loveable, so you're stupid and worthless. It just doesn't work. God helps those who help themselves. He gave everyone free will and made your bodies to be temples unto Him. And choosing to put/keep yourself in an abusive situation is not respecting the life that God gave you or what He knows you can be. God gave us free will and that includes the ability to walk away from situations that are injurious to us. I am only now, 18mos later, FINALLY figuring out why I may have "had" to go through this experience to become the person that God had planned for me to be. He knows the hairs on my head before I was born, so He knows why this happened. My job is to figure it out and learn from it and be a better person because of it. It's NOT to put myself at the mercy of another person, catering only to their needs, and living my life dependent upon their acceptance, particularly if I suffer in the process. Caring for yourself is not selfish. It's necessary. hugs, really

The first couple of times I tried NC/blocking him, before I knew that he was a selfish monster without feelings or a soul, yes, I did feel guilty. It was for the same reasons you stated - I told him I would always be there for him AND OMG - how could I go back on that promise? Well, my promise to him was based on all of the lies he had been telling me (he loved me, he wanted to marry me, we would be together forever, he needed my help to be a better man, he was a better man with me) and those were promises that HE never meant or believed - they were simply . . . empty words. There was NEVER any reciprocity, all one-sided, all me doing everything and all I got in return were empty words, no way. Why in the world should I feel guilty when none of it was real to him? Then I took it out of the context of the heart, so to speak, and framed it in the real world. In contracts law one of the elements required to enter into an oral contract is when both parties have a "meeting of the minds" - Well - how could we EVER have a meeting of the minds when his part of the contract was all lies, it is impossible - so I guess in a way, he didn't keep up his end of the bargain (promise of love, respect, etc) so that released me from what I considered was a binding contract (to always be there for him). I don't know if what I said makes sense to you - but it is how I needed to view it in order to let go of the guilt I was feeling. Plus - NC is about self preservation from a predator - Do not allow him to make you feel guilty or allow yourself to feel guilty, period.

Jen, honestly do you think he cares? He'll just move onto new supply. NC is for your sanity! Guilty?? Huh??? He treated you like gum on the bottom of his shoe! Do you like that? I don't ! What are your plans to move past this? Its been going on too long! How can I help? How can I push you? Come on Jen! Tell me what is your day like? What do you do for yourself that's fun?Berlin, right ? What a city, go explore. Idealk