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FEELING LIKE AN EMPTY SHELL

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#1 Dec 27 - 12PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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FEELING LIKE AN EMPTY SHELL

Hey Jessika long time since we touched base, wondering how you were doing. Wish there was a natural supplement that helped with the symptoms of being involved with a psychopath but I read the label and it said nothing about "this will eliminate the feeling of being an empty shell" ha ha. However, I do believe that a natural supplement can benefit with some of our physical discomforts associated with the aftermath.

It has been snowing in our state for the past three days straight, light snow but over 6" so far, I was driving to the grocery store today as the snow was blinding me, and I broke out in a hysterical cry and I kept saying I FEEL SO LOST just as I literally did in that snow storm not being able to see anything ahead of me, that is how my life feels.

I have been doing a lot of reading on the site this past week and I noticed a correlation regarding D&D vs our personal decision in leaving and going NC. D&D is not a choice for the victims, when they no longer need or want us, they are ruthless and we are thrown away like used TP, and yes it literally feels like they wiped their butts with us (at least for those that wipe their butts anyway) ITS HELL being discarded in such a way. When we make the personal decision to leave and go NC its also a living HELL, your probably thinking at least we were given a choice, REALLY? Were we really given a choice? Does it really take the act of D&D on their part for us for us to realize we meant NOTHING to them? Oh sure they run off with another woman, GF, cheat etc. As I thought about that whole process with them I also saw some clarity.

During the entire three years involved with this animal I realized I was D&D and didnt even know it. Just because you live with them or are involved with them doesnt not mean you are not being D&D'd. When you are cheated on, lied to, abused, and all the cruel psychological games they play that is nothing but DEVALUING a person. When they are off working a new supply or victim behind our backs ignoring us, making excuses for no sex, being distant, cold, aloof, picking fights for no reason at all, ignoring our calls, that is DISCARDING us. While we are with them we are truly D&D'd, its the nature of who they are and will always be. I was in such emotional pain connected to a person who lacks the ability to love another human being, we seem to blame ourselves for their disorder because we were so rejected. That horrible rejection and discarding is nothing but blatant pathology.

Am I now destined to spend my life walking around feeling like an empty shell because I became close to someone who is the REAL empty shell? He is the one that is empty, is this vampire going to suck all my blood? Rather I should say will I let him suck all the love I have inside dry? Our blood continues to pump and so does our love, nobody can take my ability away to love because I am not pathological, its still there in all of us or we wouldnt be here.

Dec 28 - 3AM
Monica
Monica's picture

Cynthia...I have been contemplating this exact same thing lately

You put into words exactly what I have been trying to wrap my head around these past few days. As a matter of fact, I was going to post about how I was the one to make the final break from xN and yet I still feel I was D&D'd throughout the time I was with him and things were going downhill fast. I was wondering how that could be? But you put it into words perfectly. I was devalued all along in the way he used me, disrespected me, did not appreciate me, and refused to give back anything. I was discarded all those hundreds of times when he didn't have time for me, when I needed him and he was too "busy" for me, when he ignored my texts and phone calls, when we shared "intimate" (haha) moments and he left the TV on to a sports channel the entire time. D&D is a process, not necessarily a final act of breaking up. I ended it with him BECAUSE he was continuously D&D'ing me and making me feel like shit. I have posted before that I, too, have times when I just start to break down crying hysterically and most times I have no idea why. I, too, feel like an empty shell. But I also figure that, as my empty shell begins to fill up again, N won't be there to be continuously sucking me dry, I will actually become whole and full again, someday, little by little.
Dec 28 - 7AM (Reply to #7)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Monica and all

Its just the dream man isnt it Monica? Being with someone that constantly discards you on a daily basis, Here is something my counselor said to me about going NC and cutting it off COLD. He said it would be uncomfortable for awhile, he said about 6 months but that horrible feeling will end and we will be done with it, if we would have stayed it NEVER ends, just one big painful place to stay, he did say you are going to extract yourself from an addiction more or less, the addiction to that illusion, like any addiction it takes 6 months for the withdraw symptoms to subside, then like Barbara said another year on top of that to get ourselves back, depending how long we were exposed to the toxic beast. When I was really involved with this creature my counselor would say, are you enjoying this Cynthia? I would of course say, NO, then why are you doing this? Because I am addicted to this man, he would say no you arent you are addicted to the idea of what you want him to be what he appeared to you as, when you leave remember you are not walking away from love and he will never have anything to offer you or anyone, NEVER, the choice is yours he said. I made that choice and I put aside thoughts that I some how lacked something he needed, BULLSHIT, I gave him what every normal man could only dream about, the whole package and he threw it away so he can go to hell and bask in his disorder because he will never find anything to fill that deep black void that he is, and I will not waste my life loving a highly disturbed pathological person
Dec 27 - 10PM
Jessika (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hi Cynthia

Yes ... it has been a while. I too hope that we will be full with love consistently again. I feel I am on my way... however not secure, trusting, loving, happy woman I was prior to becoming his girlfriend. That got destroyed. But we are all working on it... getting stronger. The physical issues are now really concerning me. I will take the advice of the ladies and seek out a natural doc or acupuncturist. The joint pain is really annoying and the lack of energy is so unlike me... I used to be go go go and all giggly and happy. Cross my fingers that I can get a handle on this thing. Take care Cynthia... so great to hear from you ;o)
Dec 28 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

Jessika

Hi Jessika, IKWYM i too have joint pain and used to be giggly and happy too. It is still there somewhere but i don't feel the same anymore. I was thinking it was an age thing. Maybe i will never be right again. I also have a lack of energy....could that be winter. maybe it is a feeling of hopelessness. How can this be. I can't imagine ever getting through any of this had i not found this site. I would feel like i was the only one feeling so bad but now i know this happens to people all over the world.
Dec 27 - 4PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

No you are not destined for

No you are not destined for any such thing. I remember saying to someone during my D and D and divorce 'will I ever have another happy day'? I went on to have a great life. Your snow storm experience is really interesting. If you see snow in a dream it denotes sorrow and disappointment and a failure to enjoy some long expected pleasure. To see snow melt it means you are going to experience great JOY. you didn't dream this you experienced it but it might be the same thing. For New Year write down what you are upset about and then right before midnight burn the paper. Write a paper with things you want to have and experience in the next year and at the stroke of midnight on New Years read it. Then read it every day. You will be surprised what comes to pass. Save them and read the old ones at new years it will be very interesting. you are going to do fine and this jerk will end up a loser and a fool it is in his destiny.
Dec 27 - 1PM
nhtmf
nhtmf's picture

Hi Cynthia, we must have had

Hi Cynthia, we must have had the same epiphany. I am 10 months out and it just finally dawned on me that I too was D&D in the exact same ways that you were. Still feel like an empty shell too, you are not alone. Yup, the D&D was going on, on a daily basis. When I first discovered the term D&D here and the broad description given it didn't fit my case. In fact I D&D him. Threw him out and belittled him several times. Hated myself for it but realize now that I was fighting back, that at the time, against something that had no name or reason to it. Now I know. Thank goodness for that. I think that's half the battle. I didn't even know it either when it was happening. Just knew I was so unhappy yet for some reason could not stay away from this person. The whole thing is weird, hey?
Dec 28 - 3AM (Reply to #2)
Monica
Monica's picture

nhtmf....

You wrote "Just knew I was so unhappy yet for some reason could not stay away from this person." This is what makes them so dangerous. They make us terribly unhappy when we are with them and yet we can't seem to stay away. Very, very dangerous creatures they are. Definitely this was the case for me, too. And I was the one to have had enough and break it off with xN. I pushed mine away and belittled him, too. But as you said...we WERE fighting back! We finally had enough, they pushed us to our limit, and we fought back and sent them packing. Kudos to us!