Feeling Discarded

Four weeks ago our 5 year relationship ended. I am feeling stuck, alone and hurt. Not that I didn't see red flags along the way, not that we haven't broken up and got back together (approx. 5 times)......... My narc started a new job and my spidey senses went into high alert, to the point that I was physically ill. But he said I was being ridiculous, oversensitive and driving him to do what I was accusing him of doing (does that even make sense?). On the night before his company Christmas party, I showed him the dress I was going to wear. He said it was frumpy and if I wasn't going to show cleavage, I was just forcing him to look at other women and not to give him a hard time. I thought he was joking, but he was completely serious. When I said he was being disrespectful he said I was pushing him away. He then proceeded to pack his things and leave. I have not heard from him since. In my heart I know he has moved on to someone else. But I am still in such a fog. We had made plans for Christmas, for moving in together in the Spring..........my head knows that is was all lies, but my heart hasn't caught up. Feeling very discarded.