feeling broken..

Today, i cant stop crying!!! its been 3 months!!! why am i not over this!
I dont think i can take another 3 months of this, the pain is overwhelmimg me, the waves, the roller coaster it just seems like it is never going to end. just when i think it is...BAM.. it comes back ten fold!

i dont know what else i can do.. im seeing a therapist, im doing journaling, grief work, exercising!!!
I have never wanted to contact as bad as I do today!!
Its insane to feel like the only person that can help me get through this is HIM!! when he is the one causing all my PAIN

I just MIss my husband, who i thought he was, i miss all the good times and all the dreams we had!!
We were back together for 3.5 yrs this time before the D&D happened and he walked out!

that is a long time for him to keep his mask on!!!
yes there were defiantely things throughout the r/ship., manipulation, abuse, control, bad behaviour etc, but nothing like who i saw the last 3 months of our marriage!

he really tried to keep that side hidden, he really wanted to live a normal life and have a family. in the end he just couldnt do it, but i feel like he really tried. he was honest, faithful all up until the last few months!!
so shattered!!!