Feeling bad for feeling bad

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#1 Sep 26 - 4PM

hooklineandsinker

Feeling bad for feeling bad

I feel bad because I'm having the thoughts again today. I just HATE weekends and I want to just not be here any more. What if this is all my life is ever going to be, spending every night and weekend alone? I have no life. Why is this happening to me? I want to thank everyone for their kind words from yesterday but unfortunately today was just as bad. I don't want anyone to think I didn't appreciate their amazing words and love and faith because I did, but here I am yet again. I can't live like this much longer. A world where no man that you want wants to be with you, no man that you want really sees or appreciates you for who you are, no man that you want considers you worth committing to, no man even wants to get to know you or can be bothered even calling you when he says he will, and no man can be trusted to mean what he says and say what he means, is not a world I know how to live in or want any part of any more. It is a deeply unnatural and sick state of affairs. How did it come to this?

I know others have problems, and that marriage and family life is not some sort of paradise or panacea, but I just am at the end of my rope as to what I'm supposed to have done to deserve the constant abandonments and never-ending loneliness I've experienced over the last ten years. Am I just meant to be alone for ever? What is the point of that?

The narc seemed like the answer to my prayers (he was my dream man, felt the same about me, and wanted the same things, or so he said) but then he goes and does the exact same thing, only worse, because he takes up with the other one a couple of months later (or even while we were still together, for all I know). That has never happened before and it's a new low. I'm in hell. I can't date, because there is no one to date, and even when someone new takes my number and asks me out, he can't or won't follow through. It's got to the point now where even waiting for someone to call sends me into such a spiral of rage and frustration and anxiety that I just can't keep going through it. I can't be alone because it depresses the hell out of me. I can't trust, because after having been lied to by the narc, how are you supposed to believe anything any man says to you ever again? And then the next one that comes along says he'll call but doesn't, thereby confirming the fact that men cannot be trusted to mean ONE WORD they say? On the other hand, I can't face a life alone. So you can see how an exit strategy would make sense as a backup plan.

I just don't know if I have the strength to keep spending every night and weekend alone when I have no idea when it's ever going to end, when it's ever going to get better. It's just too hard. Why do I have to go through this, when my sister, 7 years younger, is happily married and snuggles up with her husband every night? Similarly all my other siblings and friends? Why do they get that and I get this? The only explanation that makes any kind of sense is that there is some kind of curse on me. I received anonymous very nasty hate mail on FB for a while last summer, so someone somewhere hates me enough to wish me harm or pain, so a curse is not so far fetched. It sounds stupid but I cannot be around my siblings when they are with their partners because I WILL NOT be around cosy couples any more. It's hard enough without putting myself through that. Ditto with my married friends. I just feel like an alien in that world.

I feel that I just can't try any more. I can't face dating sites (OH GOD HERE WE GO AGAIN, PLEASE NOT AGAIN), yet there is nowhere else to meet someone. I remind myself of all the shitheads I've met online, including the narc, over the last 6 years. I remind myself of the constant stomach-sinking disappointment of walking into a bar to meet an online date and knowing there is no attraction there. I remind myself of the soul-destroying nature of the whole thing. I watch my fertility go by bit by bit every single month. Yet I can't give up my dream of being in a happy relationship and becoming a mother and WILL NOT live like this for much longer. It's not even living, it's just existing. I am totally trapped in this hell and there is no way out. I literally don't know what to do, who to be, or where to go any more. I can't do it any more. I have no immediate plans (as in tonight) to end my life so please don't worry about me but I would be lying if I said it wasn't a backup plan. What stops me is that it's easier said than done (most methods are quite violent and you have to get it right because if you don't, you're still here in your shitty life but just permanently disabled or disfigured into the bargain) and that I would hate to hurt my parents that much. But then I feel that I can't just stay alive for the sake of others. If they weren't here, I think I would have done it a long time ago. I had decided during my late 30s that if I was still single at 40 I would make serious plans to leave. Then the narc came along and I thought all my dreams were finally coming true. But no, of course not. But it's not just him, it's the constant catalogue of being left heartbroken and abandoned and alone, time after time after time, while constantly having to congratulate others on their engagements and weddings and pregnancies. I literally cannot believe that this is my life. I think about ending it but then think about what that would actually physically involve. The closest thing is to be dead while still alive, and that is the way I feel.

#2 Sep 28 - 6AM

Alibi_10

HL&S

Just had quick log in here. .. am at work but I just want you to know I have all the same feelings. Have not posted my story yet but have history of being badly let down, including giving up chance of family for a man who could not have kids who then left me! I have lots of friends but feel all alone in the world like everyone else coupled up and I am a failure. But if you say that, I would say no! You are a great person who does not deserve this poor treatment. We need to be kinder to ourselves. ... just wanted you to know that you are not alone in these thoughts x

#3 Sep 28 - 8AM (Reply to #17)

hooklineandsinker

Thanks so much for the kind

Thanks so much for the kind words and I'm so sorry you have been repeatedly disappointed too. Weekends just turn me into a completely different person - I'm always much better during the week. And of course I know what you mean - when we look at other single women we don't think they're a failure or whatever. But we do it to ourselves. It drives me insane sometimes.

#4 Sep 28 - 4AM

CarolKittyGale (not verified)

HLS

Hi Hun, sorry your still in a bad place but have faith as it is will get better but you MUST try and help yourself when you feel able. When my husband died I thought the world had ended and then to have a N/P in my life who beat the living daylights out of me , then mum died and then my son nearly died, then I got involved with the N who is the reason I found this site, well you can imagine, I thought there was no future for me with peace of mind let alone love. But you WILL get through this. It's just a suggestion but you have said you are sort of coping while you are at work but you dread the week-end. I do lots of voluntary work for organisations that I believe in and I'm hoping to do a charity run next year. Why don't you get involved with something like that when you are feeling stronger, it will take up your time at week-ends and give you something else to think about and you never know who you might meet. :-)) I loved what the other ladies have advised you especially about smiling and reaching out to people. I have always done this and you'd be SO surprise at the wonderful responses you get out there. You might get the odd miserable bugger but lots of people are lonely and it would make their day and their positive response would lift you. Out reach is the way forward and you are not in a good place to date at the moment, so date yourself, I am, and find things to fill the hours at the week-end. Also I have found staying of the 'loopy juice'(alcohol)worked for me as even though I don't drink much while I was in the early stages of healing just a couple of drinks would bring out my emotions in a mad way. You'll get your hope back honey it's early days yet. love and hugs Kitty xxxx

#5 Sep 28 - 8AM (Reply to #15)

hooklineandsinker

Thank you so much for the

Thank you so much for the sweet message. I do volunteer at a homework club in a rough part of the city, but it's only once a week and it's on a Thursday. But at least it's starting up again next week. Also I will be teaching a class on Sat mornings and I usually play tennis with my dad on Sat afternoons. So that's some of the weekend used up. It's really the nights that are the worst though. I am so terribly sorry to hear about your mum, and it must have scared the life out of you to nearly lose your son. I need to remember that I have a great family but I suppose it gets hard to do that when you feel so isolated. I'm also helping my brother decorate his new apartment at the moment (he's so sweet, he calls me before every purchase to get my seal of approval!) because if I wasn't a lawyer I think I would be an interior designer so it works for both of us. Thanks so much for your kindness x

#6 Sep 28 - 12AM

NancyM

hookline

Go easy on yourself, you are in "THAT" place and it is a hard place to be. Letting you know I have been there too, and at that point, there is only one way to go, and that is UP. Later you will see this as a turning point, and better off has given some wonderful advice. Do one thing for me, I just want you to try this. I did and was amazed at the result. Next time you are on the street, or in a crowd, show a kindness to a complete stranger, even if it just an unsolicited smile. The reaction can be often one of gratitude, and I guarantee that it will remind you that while you are here on this earth, you can and will make a difference to other peoples lives for the better. This may sound dumb at first because you probably feel like you do not have the energy for it, but it may just relight that candle in your soul. Believe me, I started doing it, and came home feeling sooo much better because I knew I was still a real person. Losing some dreams are hard, but remember that it leaves space to make new ones. It is not over till its over, and if I can still be here, then believe me, so can you.

Nevergoback

#7 Sep 28 - 8AM (Reply to #13)

hooklineandsinker

Nancy

that is a fantastic idea. I've read about that kind of thing before. When I'm in good form I do usually try to compliment people on their outfits or their shoes or whatever, or make some small talk with sales assistants etc. It happened to me myself yesterday. I was talking to a sales girl at the print shop and there was a dude standing behind me who was literally waiting until I finished my conversation with her to tell me that my boots were the coolest he had ever seen. He even made the sales girl come out from behind the counter to look at them! It certainly put a smile on my face.

#8 Sep 27 - 4PM

janine

Love addiction

I've been away for a while and catching up here, I was shocked how bad you have been feeling. It seems to me that you are as badly addicted to love as I have been to sex. Whatever addiction one has, it always is a way to try and escape something deep within. Believe me, a man cannot give you what you are missing, no one can, you will have to learn to love and accept yourself first. Then you will stop attracting bad guys. Years ago I'd felt like you do now. I so wished I was dead, because I felt weak and lost. Though I had loving people by my side, it did not help much, since this was very deep inside me. I made no active plans to kill myself but fell very ill and almost died (yes, one can manage to end life in that way, too). I managed to pull through, when I realized what problems I had and decided to do something about them. I joined a support group, and you would not believe what a difference it makes when you are with others, who have more or less the same problem. You have seen now how helpful the support of this forum is. So maybe it would be even better for you to join a group with regular meetings - there are quite a few like emotions anonymous. You did say, you don't want to talk about things anymore. That will be fine. Except to tell them why you want to come, you can just sit there and listen. There is no pressure to tell anyone anything. A lot became clear to me doing just that. There was so much understanding and kindness and I had a phone number to call for when I'd crash again. It might be worth giving it a try.

#9 Sep 28 - 8AM (Reply to #11)

hooklineandsinker

That has occurred to me

That has occurred to me before too. I don't know whether I am actually addicted to love or relationships or whatever as when I'm in good form I have no problem spending time on my own with a crossword or a book or whatever. But it's just been going on too long. I'm not sure one can be addicted to something as basic to human survival and well-being as love (I am of course talking about healthy love) and true relationships. And I don't think I'm a romance addict or anything either - chick flicks and chick lit bring me out in hives. But yes, some sort of support group would probably be a big help. Just not sure what type of group.

#10 Sep 26 - 5PM

better off

I'm glad you're at least

I'm glad you're at least holding on to some reality, the one that says what will this physically involve? I mean, who will identify your body? Will the police have to inform your parents or brothers? And then, like, will they have to call everyone. Who will do that? And explain things to your nieces and nephews? Why Aunt HLS killed herself? I'm not trying to be mean, I just want you to really think about what would really happen. It sounds to me like you don't really want to die, hookline. I think you just feel like you don't have the ability to go on living. That's how I felt. I didn't REALLY want death. I wanted a different life. Did you read what I said about the beta endorphins? I'm not trying to put a bandaid on what you're going through, I'm trying to help you find a way to feel better enough to find a new way to cope, and then to get BEYOND coping to being happy. Because we know it's possible. We KNOW it. And two questions: What relationship do you have with your nieces and nephews. and.. would you feel any differently about your life if you could save someone else's?

#11 Sep 26 - 5PM (Reply to #8)

hooklineandsinker

Where do you get

Where do you get beta-endorphins?

#12 Sep 28 - 8AM (Reply to #9)

better off

Exercise, number one. And

Exercise, number one. And that's something concrete you CAN do to improve your state of mind. If it improves your body then that's just a bonus. Chocolate! ;-) Not kidding, it's true. But too much of that will have a kickback and make you feel crappy later. But a truffle never killed anybody. Music, this is a dangerous one because of raw emotion, but music that has nothing to do with any narcs is good. Yoga, stretching, meditation, prayer Proper nutrition helps keep things even, but who cares about proper nutrition when you feel like shit? Except it keeps you feeling like shit. Massage therapy.. if you can afford it, DO IT! I know you hate the weekend, but what if you schedule an appt for a massage for this Saturday? And a pedicure. Don't say what's the point... just trust me and do it anyway. PETS. Yes, petting animals can raise your endorphin levels.

#13 Sep 26 - 5PM (Reply to #2)

hooklineandsinker

I have read that most

I have read that most suicides don't really want to die, they just don't want to live any more. That is how I feel. I would imagine that one of my siblings would identify the body. My sister in law used to text me to say that my niece would like to see me and hang out, but she doesn't do that any more. I don't know why. I just really get the impression that if I disappeared it wouldn't make a whole lot of difference to anyone but my parents. I only have one niece and one nephew in this country. The others are abroad and I never see them. It's stupid but I am torn between wanting to spend time with my niece and nephew and being very angry and jealous and resentful of my siblings who get to have all this while I don't. Similarly I am torn between wanting to spend time with my parents and feeling like some kind of total loser because I am the only one who doesn't have her own life, and it makes me feel more like a backwards kid when I am around them, as opposed to a grown woman with her own husband and family. I feel so raw that any time I go out anywhere, something will hurt me or make me full of murderous rage or full of misery, so I stay in. I know none of that makes any sense but that is how I feel. I don't know how to answer your question about saving someone else's life. I suppose it would make a difference for a while, but then before long it would be back to spending weekends alone in an empty apartment.

#14 Sep 26 - 6PM (Reply to #3)

better off

But what if you could keep

But what if you could keep saving their life? There are animals AND children out there that need someone to keep saving their lives. I don't know if this will mean anything to you with the state you are in (don't take that the wrong way, I just mean you are hurting very much and that may be all you can think about now, and I would understand that, I'm just throwing this out there)...but you could be the biggest difference in someone's life, you could change the world with your life. For one thing, you could save an animal's life this very week. You could adopt a shelter rescue, and the two of you would have something in common then. :-) I am not saying this because I think adopting a dog or cat would be the same thing as having a husband and family, I'm not trying to be pollyanna about it, but it is TRUE that a pet relieves so much depression, and sadness, and loneliness. You said a cat needs to go outside, but actually in America cats aren't allowed to roam outside (people do it anyway of course) but most cats are just house cats. You could save one life, and bring some comfort to your own. Think about it at least. As a starting place for hope. And as for children... I had a dear friend who was devastated by news of her infertility because she wanted children SO badly. But she decided to use that desire for something else, and she began sponsoring children for WorldVision or Compassion International, (maybe it was both). She was well off financially, and before she knew it was she was actually traveling to Mexico to visit "her kids" and give them things they could never get any other way. No, they did not live with her, but she turned her pain into someone else's incredible blessing. She had a reason to get up in the morning. Then, believe it or not, she got pregnant, much to her shock. And when that baby was five months old she got pregnant again with twins. So she went from no hope of children of her own to having virtual triplets and her cup runneth over... but she kept up with Worldvision and she is very big in supporting them and getting others to support it. Her loss was turned into something beautiful, and in the end she was blessed with kids anyway. And even after all that, she added a foster child, and raised him (starting at age 11! no one does that) and he went from life in "the hood" to growing up to be the associate dean of students at a university. It was just like The Blind Side, but he didn't play football. I hope this isn't insulting since you're suffering so much, but how could you turn suffering into something better? Is there a way? Could you maybe ponder that for a bit? If I'm off-base and this doesn't help, then I apologize.

#15 Sep 26 - 6PM (Reply to #4)

hooklineandsinker

Oh my god that is so lovely

Oh my god that is so lovely that you are making me CRY. I can't BELIEVE it. How amazing for your friend! And how she deserved it! I do volunteer at a homework club in a rough part of the city here, and that starts up again next week - it was on summer break up to now. I should really look into getting a pet as well. That story gives me so much hope. I am not well off financially at the moment but I could still sponsor a child. I was thinking of asking a friend if he would donate some sperm to me, but I go back and forth on that - do I really want to bring up a child alone? How will I explain the pregnancy to everyone, if there even is a pregnancy? Will I still be angry that I have no husband/partner to help me and to hold me? I haven't yet even told anyone at work that the narc left me (I have had so many breakups in the past few years that I just couldn't BEAR people knowing about yet another one) so they will all assume it's his child. Like I said before, I have no idea where to go or what to do, in any area of my life.

#16 Sep 26 - 6PM (Reply to #5)

better off

Well,,, you said the word

Well,,, you said the word hope and that makes ME want to cry... I really have to get off the computer right now, but I am thinking of you. You do have so much to give, and I'm sorry that dealing with wankers have made you feel that you don't... but they weren't worth what you have to give anyway. Sell that Tiffany bracelet and use the money to bless someone else, with the devil's money! HUGS!!!

#17 Sep 26 - 6PM (Reply to #6)

better off

if your interested in looking into it

http://www.compassion.com/sponsor_a_child/default.htm http://www.worldvision.org/content.nsf/pages/sponsor-a-child?open?open&campaign=1193512&cmp=KNC-1193512&mboxSession=true&rd=1 http://www.children.org/AChildJustForYouSW2-ChildrenInternational.asp?WT.mc_id=S_Google&RS_ID=2&WT.srch=1 My friend did it through Compassion International, I remember now. And it was all legit and she did communicate with the children, etc.

#18 Sep 27 - 9PM (Reply to #7)

kiwi10

listen to better off!!

seriously :)

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