Feeling angry

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#1 Feb 19 - 11AM
serene69
serene69's picture

Feeling angry

I know it is the best thing to be away from my N and I am so glad that I am on the road to healing.
But there is one thing that particularly today is really getting to me. How my N just seems to get away with his awful behaviour.
It is so hard knowing that he is out there now, with so many people thinking he is wonderful and charming and kind - and talented too! He works in the music area and I know just from hearing stuff (not that I go out to try and find out - but just because I am interested in this stuff) that he is doing really well at the moment. People demi worship him and tell him he is great, wonderful and that just feeds his ego so much. I hate the fact he is having a wonderful time after making me - and so many other women - feel like complete crap.
I know I am a worthy person and worth so much more than him, but the fact he does not suffer one bit and gets away with it all makes me want to punch the wall. It is so unfair that evil does not seem to be punished - and in fact since we parted around a month ago, when he threatened to ruin me and my family - his career has suddenly shot up! It is insane.
I know I have to forget all this but it is this that is maybe the hardest thing to bear. I certainly never ever want to see him again - he is sick and the stories I have heard about his past are just awful. He has been an emotional bully to so many, yet is currently lording it around london thinking he is gods gift to women and the music business.

Feb 19 - 11AM
nycsurvivor
nycsurvivor's picture

I know that feeling well...

I've only been doing NC for a month, and during this entire time, that is the one question that preoccupies my thoughts. After all he's done, why is it he can move on, totally unscathed, while I'm here reeling from all the emotional, mental, and physical damage? The anger one feels towards this type of individual is beyond anything I've experienced. I shudder to say this, but I can truly understand why someone murders an ex. I know it's a horrible thing to say, but I understand that kind of anger and rage. It's beyond comprehension the depths of low one feels. And, I'm a calm, level-headed person. I read that after you leave a N relationship, there are only a few options: kill them, kill yourself, be institutionalized or try to pick up the pieces of your life. Sometimes life is just not fair. There is no justice, but I do believe in karma. Trust me, we'll fare much better in the long run, and go on to have a much more fulfilling life, once we heal. I try not to think about him moving on, carefree and happy, but we must remind ourselves they are very miserable and unhappy individuals deep down. The only satisfaction may be in knowing we got away from them. I've seen with other people who are not good people, there is eventually redemption. It may not be immediately, but it does happen.
Feb 19 - 12PM (Reply to #8)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

I feel your pain

I know the feeling too. What I struggle with is that my ex doesn't feel bad at all about anything he's done. Not suffering any real consequences other than his divorce. I know how materialistic he is so I know that losing some of his cash through the divorce process is bothering him but other than that he just cruises along carefree. While I've sat in angst every day, still feeling battered inside from the degree of the insanity. His wife too of course. She's had to go on anti-depressants, now suffers heart palpatations, worries about her future constantly. I feel awful for her. It makes me furious. It's so unfair. I want to grab him and rub his face in what he did. I want to give him a taste of what it feels like to actually have a soul, even for just one minute, so he could feel what it's like to live with the damage he's done. But I can't. Like you, I imagine him happy and talking with co-workers who think he's great, I imagine him getting a promotion, sitting at a bar having a coctail with some woman smiling at him, thinking he's so charming with his big blue eyes and his tailored clothes. It makes me ill. He's such a phony. But I agree with NYCsurvivor, he will get his. What goes around comes around. Karma will get him one day and it'll get him good. When he's no longer great-looking, when the music industry job is not in the palm of his hand anymore because someone younger and brighter is working harder, when no one is around anymore to kiss his butt because no one wants anything from him anymore, he'll wake up one day and find that he's all alone. The superficial world that he built around himself will be fading and he won't be able to touch ANYTHING REAL. He can have his facade, his meaningless material life. He'll never get to experience any kind of warmth. I know it hurts, I know it sucks, I hate feeling this way too. But we can FEEL. Even on my worst day, I wouldn't trade my heart for anything. And I refuse to put anymore energy into his farce. The universe will have her with him. Trust me.
Feb 19 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
serene69
serene69's picture

So true

I'm glad it is not only me. The hatred I have is so not me - and me too, I have never felt anything like this in my life. I don't know what I would ever do if I did see him in person again - at least at the moment. He disgusts me so much I think I would want to attack. I do tell myself that in the long run I will fare much better and will have a much more fulfilling life. I know too that he gets v depressed at times too as mine seems partly aware he has 'issues.' But at the moment while I am picking up the pieces of my life, coping too with the death of my father which happened around the time I met my N, it seems tough. I try to block out the thought of him galavanting around town thinking he is god, as frankly it makes me feel sick and then I get this huge welling of emotion. I want to go out there and tell everyone listen - he is a fake! He is a bully, he is nasty, he is cruel. But they of course would all think I was the crazy one. I do hope there is eventually redemption. I have never wanted a bad life for anyone before now, but now I certainly do.
Feb 19 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
Kelly
Kelly's picture

The Anger is all that is left in me

I started logging in here after I saw that my ex had announced he is in a relationship with someone (he moved on fast after he D&D'd me and he never announced our relationship.) He posted a picture of the two of them on his profile for the world to see. I wasn't at all jealous of her. When I saw her picture I thought "Oh man, she has no idea." For him, I never felt such anger in my life. I spent nearly two months crying and broken-hearted thinking he would come around - until I started learning about narcissism and psychopathy and realized just how sick he is. I'm moving on, I'm feeling much MUCH better nowadays and I know I would never go back to him. I have never gone back to an ex. He showed his true face and it would have just been an unhealthy, abusive relationship. Even so, I still feel a burning anger in the pit of my stomach every day. Yoga is helping, but the anger is still there. I'm hoping that I can flip it to a positive creative energy. I was emotionally raped by that sicko. He doesn't care, he never did or he wouldn't have hurt me to begin with. When I started learning about narcissism, I started to feel such sympathy for him. Now, all I feel is rage towards him. I can't even drive past his street without feeling an overwhelming burning. My heart pounds every time I pass by the coffee shop he frequents (not passing by on purpose - - it's a main road.) It would be so easy to say, oh just forget about him, he's not worth it. I WISH I could just forget. If only I could simply erase him from my head! If he was just a regular ex, I probably could have, but he was a narc/possible psycho and he left some serious damage. Sometimes when I find myself thinking about him, I think of a good way to get revenge. It makes me feel better for the moment. Keeping busy is key. Not thinking about him being happy is very important. He isn't happy. He doesn't know how to be. Happiness is something he will be seeking forever. He will always find someone new to idealize and always become disappointed, because no one could ever live up to his fantasy. He will never live up to his own fantasy. Nothing would ever be good enough, no matter how amazing. No matter what he achieved. He told me himself that he is an insecure person. He also told me he is "normal." He will never get help. He will never be helped. He will forever be miserable. He will forever be lonely. I on the other hand, have a very important person to care about - - myself. I am capable of complex emotions and the joys I will experience in my lifetime are joys he could never even comprehend.
Feb 19 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

I agree and I think that's

I agree and I think that's part of why it's important to go NC on all the people who still buy the BS, and to talk to people who understand and can validate what we have been through. As far as justice, there just isn't any sometimes - other than the fact that they have to be them and we get to be us.
Feb 19 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

anger

I was angry for a long time, it has seemed to turn into more of indifference. Funny though, recently I experienced another 'spike' in anger when my ex did something so stupid, in an attempt to contact after many months of quiet. It was just annoying and admittedly, I was angry at the thought of this odd maneuver of what appeared to be game-playing.
Feb 19 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

here's whay

After all he's done, why is it he can move on, totally unscathed, while I'm here reeling from all the emotional, mental, and physical damage? NOT HUMAN!!!!! DEPRAVED CAN NOT FEEL NO EMPATHY http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/11/08/only-humanity-narcissist-recognizes-their-own http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/08/20/narcissists-and-their-humanity http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/12/10/facing-facts ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 19 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
serene69
serene69's picture

I know that he has not

I know that he has not feelings - and that is why he can just move on - but that still doesn't make it easier to accept - and in fact makes me even more angry. I know I have to face this, and understand this - and I do understand fully what kind of a 'man' he is now. But it is still very hard when i stumble across an article, or info on him (not that i am looking for it! But he is in some magazines, on websites etc) and I see what amazing things he is up to - and think how does he get away with this all?