Feel like breaking NC... Posting Here... WHY TODAY?

I promised myself I'd post here before every breaking NC. I'm trying to identify why? I made the mistake of going onto the IronMan website and watched his finish of the event. I couldn't breathe after watching. I was grief stricken. There he was so full of joy that he finished this event. There I was, crying as I watched. I am also crying because he used to go on these solo atheletic ventures and would want it to be "all about him" and would ask to go 'dark' while he did his 'thing'. He could never include me in the journey, just shut me out. Hey, I get the whole solo thing. I run marathons and I don't want 'company'. But I don't go away for four days and ask to be ALONE.
I feel sick today. I feel sad. I'm just recognizing it...

I want the sadness to stop...