Fed up and tired

26 posts / 0 new

#1 Feb 22 - 8AM

sara-smile

Fed up and tired

It’s been a long holiday weekend for me. I’m tired, depressed, irritated and just fed up. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I don’t want to deal with it anymore. It scares me because I know he’s never gonna leave me alone even when I have NC with him and I don’t know that I’m ever gonna get over my feelings for a psycho.

I broke NC yesterday. He sent me a text that said his Daddy (which I dearly love) had almost died over the weekend and was in the hospital. Then he called and I answered it because I was worried about his dad. I know I shouldn’t have but I don’t know how to be so cold and heartless. I wish I could be like a Narc sometimes where nothing mattered except myself.

While I was with the Narc both of my parents were very sick. Narc Boy bitched and whined constantly that I didn’t have time for him because I was always taking care of my parents. When he called yesterday he told me about his dad and then started apologizing for how he treated me when my parents were so sick. He told me he was 100 percent wrong and I was the best woman in the world and I was doing right by my parents and he was so sorry for how he treated me. I didn’t say anything. I just listened to him spew. He told me he would always love me and I was the most amazing women in the world blah blah blah. I still didn’t respond. He never said he wanted to fix things or that he wanted us to work on things just that he was so wrong and he was so sorry. I told him I hoped his Dad got better and hung up.

After I hung up I thought about it for awhile. This is so cold but it’s true. I know him and I knew he was calling everybody and using this story as poor pitiful me.........look what’s happening in my life..........look how pitiful I am.........feel sorry for me please. He’s called every supply he’s ever had since 5th grade and told them this story. It’s how he does things.

Reality is hard to deal with and reality has been slapping me around all weekend. Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m beginning to see things but it’s so painful that I can’t function. The reality that his Dad almost died Saturday and he didn’t bother to call and tell me until yesterday shows that I don’t matter much anymore. The fact that he poured his heart out about how sorry he was and how wrong he was and how much he loves me but didn’t say a word about working things out shows me that he is happy with the new GF but he needed to say those things to me to make himself not look like the horrible bad guy anymore. All he did was release himself for the horrible things he did and said while my parents were sick. Now in his mind he’s free and clear. He’s cleaned up his mess so he’s not the horrible cruel soulless person I kept telling him he was.

I am depressed. I wish I could go back to raging and being pissed but now I’m depressed. I went to bed at 7:00 last night so I didn’t have to think anymore. I couldn’t even read much on the forums yesterday because it only made things worse instead of better. It depresses me so bad to see so many people going through the same pain I’m going through. I’m on over-load with all of this. I honestly do not want that life back with him. I have thought about it and wondered if he had poured his heart out to me and apologized and then wanted to work things out would I have said YES? I honestly don’t think so. While he was telling me the story about his Dad I could pick out the exaggerations and lies in the story. My eyes are that wide open now. It’s just the reality of it all is crashing down on me. I don’t have blinders on anymore and I think that is what is getting to me. I see him a lot more clearly now and I can’t lie to myself anymore about how he feels and who he is. Lying to ourselves makes things easier. When you can make them human in your mind and make excuses for their behavior then it’s not so hard.

Sorry for rambling. It does make me feel better to get it all out. I am so thankful that I have all of you to tell this stuff to and you understand it. My family and friends look at me like I have 12 heads when I bring his name up so I don’t talk about any of this to them anymore. They don’t understand the craziness at all!

I want this to be done. I want to be normal again. I’m so tired of being depressed and hurting.

#2 Feb 22 - 9PM

newpage

Sara

Your post sums up my long weekend, too. A couple of months ago, my N's mother and sister were coming to visit him from out of state, which was a rare occurrence. He's always spoken pretty contemptuously of his mother, and has BARELY ever mentioned his sister at all. After I had stopped contacting him, he messages me one day, no 'Hello, how are you?', just 'Well I found out why mom is visiting me, she might have cancer.' Of course I was shocked and saddened, and really worried for him. I had lost someone very close to me of cancer about a year ago and he knows this. (btw, dumped about a week and a half before they passed away- it was a long long illness) I was sympathetic, just like you! Two weeks pass by and I haven't heard anything about the situation so I message him online. It went like this: me: hello, how are you him: ok, im going soon me: oh well, I just wanted to see if your mom got the tests back him: oh yeah that it was nothing it was negative him: alright, well i gotta go see ya And that was it. I spent two weeks worrying about all of this and the implications of cancer on his family. He knew I would be sympathetic and that I would do exactly that! Then he didn't even have the courtesy to tell me that the tests were negative and his mother wasn't seriously ill like he had implied. It is crazy. He is crazy. Do not allow allow him to prey on your sympathies. If something happens, you can always contact the family, while bypassing him. I felt manipulated, deflated, and used just like you did. How are you holding up at work? Do you still have to see him on a regular basis? Hugs, NP

#3 Feb 22 - 9PM (Reply to #25)

sara-smile

newpage

How can they be so cruel? I know there isn't an answer to that but it is bizarre! It's crazy! How can you use a families illness to get what you want from someone when in all reality all you want is to torture them? I just don't get it. Work is OK. I don't have to see him a lot. When I run into him it's uncomfortable and irritating. I'd love to punch him every single time! That's real mature isn't it? I'm sorry you had the same thing happen to you. I know how painful it is. At least I'm learning more and more with every cruel thing he does. Hugs to you! Sara

#4 Feb 22 - 12PM

Happy1

sara

They will say and do anything to get the supply they need. It can be good or bad. You gave that to him yesterday unfortunately. I know it's so hard to not answer the phone because you have a huge heart and you feel for people. You were very concerned and he played on that. You can only do what you think is right, but to get better trust everyone here that you cannot talk with them. Mine comes around every once in a while and tries to make some sort of contact. I cannot respond to him. If I do I know I can easily get sucked back into the sick world. I have gone to bed very early as well so many nights. It's so draining thinking of them and part depression I'm sure. By contact they can set us back all over again. I hope you can remain strong as hard as it is...trust me I know, and stay No Contact. Happy

#5 Feb 22 - 6PM (Reply to #23)

sara-smile

Happy

It's hard to be cold hearted and not care what happens to the decent people in his family. How awful to use that against me! These Narcs are honestly the most cruel and selfish people I've ever met! They should have to wear warning signs or a flashing light to warn people that they are coming! I'm trying to be strong but I keep letting him in. When I went NC he found a way around it! How convenient for his dad to almost DIE! How sick is that to use something like that?? Thanks Happy! Maybe if ya'll keep explaining it to me it will sink in my hard head and soft heart one day.

#6 Feb 22 - 10AM

Hunter

Sara

Hi, See what he just did? He sucked you back in with his BS! Sorry even if his Dad dies, what are you going to do? Let his new woman support him. You can send a card! ( even that is above and beyond ) This dude knows exactly what buttons to push and you are letting him! Look, this is a process, you got yourself into it, now you need to get yourself out! "NO CONTACT" My narc knows the silent treatment pushes my buttons. At this point the silence = peace! You'll be OK it's a process. Idealk

#7 Feb 22 - 6PM (Reply to #19)

sara-smile

Ideal

You are so right! He knows all of my buttons and the way I feel about his Dad was so easy for him to use against me! Freak! How cold hearted can one person be? Your freaking daddy is SICK! Take care of him instead of running around trying to fill up your supply meter! UGH! Maybe one day I'll get it! I'm gonna have to learn how to harden my heart when it comes to anything about him AND his family! So sad that they put us in the position to be cold hearted to their family just to survive them! Thanks Ideal.....I know I'm hard headed but I'm trying! :)

#8 Feb 22 - 6PM (Reply to #20)

Hunter

Sara

You're doing great! Ive Delt with my idiot for years. I just get it now, it only took me 25 years! You have a lot of catching up to do! Idealk

#9 Feb 22 - 6PM (Reply to #21)

sara-smile

Ideal

If I have to deal with this idiot for 25 years I'm either gonna be in a nut house or prison! Right now it's a toss up for which one it's gonna be!!

#10 Feb 22 - 10AM

gettinbetter

Ok so no more contact you are

Ok so no more contact you are realizing it only makes you feel worse. You know what he just did in a covert way? He just pulled a na na na boo boo you can't have me! Just like 3 year old. That communication served 2 purposes. He got to illicit supply and he got to d and d you in one fell swoop. I know it sucks. I had the urge to text him twice last week but I didn't give in. I thought what purpose would it serve? Its not that I'm addicted to him really as there is nothing special about him. He is cruel to me what is special about that? What I am addicted to is solving the conflict. Its like rubics cube only there is no solution. There never will be a solution. I used to think I can solve this. I'm gonna be the one to solve this riddle but there is NO SOLUTION! What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result

#11 Feb 22 - 7PM (Reply to #17)

narcissizednomore

addicted to fixing...

yup, that's it in a nutshell for me. Though I don't have any desire to contact him as I never did that when we were "friends", I am somehow still addicted to thinking I can fix him or one day make him understand how disordered he is. THAT'S what I need to let go of... Oh I am so sorry you took that call from him, SOI, It does set someone back and always, always, does. I have so many memories of conversations I had with the N that I always came away feeling worse after he convinced me if we had a chat we could sort it all out. Never, never happened and never will. The only way to move past the pain is to not take on any more pain. And that means NC.

narcissizednomore

#12 Feb 22 - 10AM (Reply to #8)

really

SOI

Gosh, that is soooooo true - being addicted to solving the conflict. I lived that for several years. I am an analytical person by nature and have NEVER been as baffled as I have been by this puzzle (him)! It's been 18mos since the D&D, almost 1yr NC, and I still occasionally get caught up in trying to find a solution where there is none. The sooner a person can accept the fact that there is no possible positive outcome, the sooner and speedier the recovery will be. I know I would have healed a lot faster if I weren't so ridiculously obstinate and convinced that there was an answer there somewhere and that I just needed to find it. I was obsessed with it, actually. Once you let go of that need, life gets a whole lot easier. But it does take time to get over the fact that you couldn't find any possible solution. At least it did for me.

#13 Feb 22 - 7PM (Reply to #16)

narcissizednomore

really

Like you, I am almost at one year NC and am finally accepting the fact I won't fix him. I feel sorry for the people in his world. They must live in a state of confusion or they must be disordered as well.

narcissizednomore

#14 Feb 22 - 11AM (Reply to #9)

gettinbetter

Exactly! And from everything

Exactly! And from everything I have read its some dynamic that went on in your childhood or adolescence. Its something that feels comfortable but is not healthy. It derives from a need that was not met.

#15 Feb 22 - 11AM (Reply to #10)

Veronrose

Sick of it, that's exactly

Sick of it, that's exactly what my therapist told me. At one point we got into a deep discussion about how I felt about my relationship with my father, and she pointed out that many of those feelings are the same as how I feel about my relationship with the N. The N always called me "princess" too, which is such a fatherly thing. It's actually disgusting to think about like that, as my father was a good man. He just died way too early when I just turned 13.

#16 Feb 22 - 12PM (Reply to #11)

gettinbetter

Everything I have read says

Everything I have read says that if you stay or go back to one of these relationships than you have some childhood wound or need that wasn't met. It was hard for me to grasp that as my family was like the cleavers but I realized that they were over protective and controlling. I remember I felt like I had no autonomy yet I was a bit spoiled at the same time I think they were over compensating. Who knows. I also think that my addiction is also rooted in the N in that I had dated him when I was much younger and there was a lot of trauma surrounding that relationship even back then hence a trauma bond was formed

#17 Feb 22 - 12PM (Reply to #12)

Veronrose

Yeah, you and him go back a

Yeah, you and him go back a long time. I always enjoy reading your posts because you're so well read and you give a lot to think about. Thx!! :)

#18 Feb 22 - 12PM (Reply to #13)

gettinbetter

Aww thank you! I guess I have

Aww thank you! I guess I have come a long way since I arrived here six months ago. When I got here I was a complete mess and then for awhile I got even worse almost feeling like I was slowly dying but these days I'm starting to feel better and that has happened because I finally started looking at what allowed to get involved in this mess again. Once I got to the root of it it kind of took some of the mystery about it away. In a way its like me reclaiming some of my power back. The mystery and the riddle of this allowed him to keep a hold on me constantly trying to work things out kept me enslaved. I don't want anyone to think I'm healed I'm not I still have urges to contact however now that I truly understand the dynamic between he and I am able to control the anxiety I feel from those urges better before they were just out of control

#19 Feb 22 - 6PM (Reply to #14)

sara-smile

SOI

You are so right. I am "the fixer" in my family. I want to fix everything and everybody and I wanted so bad to fix him. He CAN NOT be fixed. I realize that now even though I stumble at times I do realize he's always been this way and he will remain this way until he dies! When you see the Prince Charming in the beginning you make yourself believe that there is goodness there so it's possible for him to be good all the time. NOT! He'll never be a decent caring person. He'll always be a liar and a cheater and a Narc! Thanks for the words of wisdom again! Sara

#20 Feb 22 - 7PM (Reply to #15)

gettinbetter

I dont know about the wisdom

I dont know about the wisdom but Im just trying my hardest to get better. I want to get better. I could never explain to people that the Narc felt like home to me even all these years later he said the same thing. He said sick of it I was always so comfortable with you and it was true but the comfort came from us being on the same emotional level. He felt like home to me because this was a dynamic I was familiar with though I may not have been fully aware of it. All I knew when I saw him was I was home. I read that narcs,borderlines and codpendents all have core wounds and fear abandonment it just manifests differently. This is why I always felt like he was the inverted image of me. My dark side. In reality emotionally we are on the same. Only his emotional wounds turned him inward. Mine turned me outward in the form of being a fixer an overachiever, always doing more than my fair share at work etc. I am a true codependent. I have also read that severe codependents can be misdiagnosed as borderlines and vice versa. I can tell you I have exhibited some borderline behavior in the last six months but I know that I am not because that kind of behavior has only ever surfaced in me when I was in a relationship with him. He is the common denominator. I also read that it is quite common for the partners of borderlines to take on their pathology temporarily. I must say that I have and its almost like I know how he feels and how sick he is because I feel it Im living his projections

#21 Feb 22 - 9AM

Disillusionedx2

sick and tired of feeling/being sick and tired

Hi Sara, I am sorry you are feeling down, things will get better, I totally understand your feelings, I am there also, I'd much rather be raging mad though, depressed feeling zaps all of my physical, mental and emotional energy. Have you thought of changing your number so that he can't call you anymore? there's always that speck of hope that they will come to their senses and see us for the great people we are, but truth of the matter is, they can't, he is hoovering for supply, using his dad's illness, pitiful, I hope that you do not accept any more calls from him so you can continue healing and feel better. _./'..._¸¸.•¤**¤•.¸.•¤**¤•..•¤ **¤ •.¸.•¤**¤•.. *•. .•* *!!!.. best~wishes /.•*•... ¸..•¤**¤•.,.•¤**¤•.*.•¤**¤•.¸ .•¤ **¤•

stay~strong

#22 Feb 22 - 6PM (Reply to #6)

sara-smile

Disillusioned

Depression does zap everything out of me! When I'm raging mad I can do anything! My house is so clean when I'm mad! I'm feeling better tonight. Dealing with them exhausting thing I've ever done in my life. I just had to kick myself and start over again. And yes, using his dad's illness is pathetic and sick. One more example of why I need to shut the door on this part of my life completely! It wouldn't do me any good to change my number since we work in the same place. He has access to me through work at all times! Thanks for the encouragement! Sara

#23 Feb 22 - 8AM

exhausted

I think my family and friends

I think my family and friends are so sick of hearing about it. They don't understand why i can't just stay away and get over it. They tell me I have all the facts so why cant I just move on? I get so angry with them because they don't understand. Thats why I'm glad I have this forum. Sara, you should know from my experience that some days we feel powerful and others we feel like complete shit. It's this up and down that we need to get over. I think this is the hardest part, not knowing how we are going to feel from day to day. Soon there will be more good ones than ba ones and soon the bad ones will be gone. At least I hope so. Hang in there!

#24 Feb 22 - 11AM (Reply to #3)

MandyM

No one who hasn't been

No one who hasn't been through this kind of relationship gets it. "You know he's bad for you, you deserve better, he left, it's over, move on!" If only those people could understand that that's what we WANT to do, more than anything else in the world.

#25 Feb 22 - 11AM (Reply to #4)

Veronrose

That's right. Nobody

That's right. Nobody understands that hasn't been there.

#26 Feb 22 - 10AM (Reply to #2)

Hunter

Ex

They don't understand, how could they? Frankly Im Sure they are sick of hearing it! Think About it. Dont bring it up anymore, tell us, tell the shrink, leave family and friends for fun times! They look at it Like this " you own the problem " fix it! You are exhausting them! I told you 100 times call me, I'll listen, I get it! Idealk

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