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Fear of leaving GF

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#1 Jun 28 - 10PM
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

Fear of leaving GF

According to STBXNH he has an unbelievable fear of letting go of GF and being alone. He wants to be back with family, but is so afraid of letting go of GF to find himself alone. He can't handle the idea of being alone for six months, he doesn't think he could survive. Why would someone have such an extreme fear of spending time alone without a partner? I am really trying to understand. He said he can't live alone, because he needs love and companionship to fill up his heart. He said any time alone brings him to close to his demons and he can't do that. Right or wrong, i think STBXNH was being honest in his fear of "aloneness." Is this fear common in Ns? Is it this fear that drives some of the erratic behavior???

Jun 28 - 11PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mallory

They fear spending time alone with themselves! They don't want to dare think about what they really are. Can you image how frightening that must be, to look under the hood and see no engine?? You are right, he's showing his true self...'I'm terrified of being alone' is probably the truest statement he will ever say. NEVERTHELESS....DO NOT feel sorry for him, the minute you give him one bit of supply, it's back to trashing you again. Please do not have conversations with him mallory about his 'feelings'. It's just going to be backwards steps for you in your recover from him. Tell him you're not his THERAPIST, you only want to discuss kid-related issues if any.
Jun 28 - 10PM
RenewD
RenewD's picture

demons

Mallory, He hasn't spent ENOUGH time with his demons which is why he's so afraid of them. Everyone needs to face those truths about themselves to mature and become what we are meant to become. It is not your responsibility to protect him from them. If he wants to be with GF to stay away from them, let her have him!! And if he leaves her to face them DONT PROTECT HIM!!! He's manipulating you. He finally realized he didn't make the right choices but F*#@ HIM! He does not deserve you and you DO NOT need to be his mother. You deserve better. I am telling you this out of experience. If you give in, he will go back to doing what he did...and you will hate yourself even more for prolonging it. I did this about 10 times with mine. DO NOT GIVE IN!!! They will ALWAYS go back. ~Denise~
Jun 28 - 11PM (Reply to #11)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

Don't worry

Don't worry. I am not asking because I have a desire to take him back. I am asking becauseI found the comment to be very interesting. Someone who is so unable to face themselves is NOT capable of having healthy relationships. I just found it to be a fascinating glimpse into the personality disorder. He described his life with GF as just a holding pattern. A life preserver through this point in his life. It is a life preserver until he finds the next victim. You know, I think it is so important to be comfortable with onesself, and this total anxious fear of being alone is very hard for me to understand. I am probably the opposite. I prefer to be alone. That is probably a whole other issue. STBXNH has NEVER taken a break between relationships. All of his relationships blend one into the other. Even when he and I met, he was dating a woman, who I didn't know about until I moved in with him. (red flag????) What drives this intense fear? It is almost like everyone is used as a way for the N to escape themselves.
Jun 28 - 11PM (Reply to #12)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

run screamin'

who I didn't know about until I moved in with him. (red flag????) MASSIVE MASSIVE RED FLAG What drives this intense fear? Their PATHOLOGY. Period. ********** Main Entry: pa·thol·o·gy Function: noun Inflected Form(s): plural pa·thol·o·gies meaning: something abnormal: a: the structural and functional deviations from the normal that constitute disease or characterize a particular disease b: deviation from propriety or from an assumed normal state c: deviation giving rise to social ills ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 28 - 11PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ummmm......

Narcissists hate to live alone. Their inner resources are skimpy, static, and sterile, nothing interesting or attractive going on in their hearts and minds, so they don't want to be stuck with themselves. All they have inside is the image of perfection that, being mere mortals like the rest of us, they will inevitably fall short of attaining. Narcissists are noted for their negative, pessimistic, cynical, or gloomy outlook on life. Sarcasm seems to be a narcissistic specialty, not to mention spite. Lacking love and pleasure, they don't have a good reason for anything they do and they think everyone else is just like them, except they're honest and the rest of us are hypocrites. Nothing real is ever perfect enough to satisfy them, so are they are constantly complaining and criticizing -- to the point of verbal abuse and insult. Narcissists feel entitled to whatever they can take. They expect privileges and indulgences, and they also feel entitled to exploit other people without any trace of reciprocation. http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html NOW WHY ARE YOU STILL LISTENING TO HIM? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY THINKING OF TAKING THIS MAN BACK? Haven't you BLOCKED HIM? ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 29 - 11PM (Reply to #10)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Mallory

Narcissists dread being alone because they are so out of touch with themselves. Being alone terrifies them. The reasons Barbara states sum it up perfectly. Stay strong!
Jun 29 - 11PM (Reply to #9)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Mallory

Narcissists dread being alone because they are so out of touch with themselves. Being alone terrifies them. The reasons Barbara states sum it up perfectly. Stay strong!
Jun 28 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

No F**cking way

No F**cking way am i thinking about taking him back. He called about the open house and his next visitation. The conversation went beyond the two topics, and like a voyeur, I listened. I know I shouldn't Barbara!!!!!! It was like driving by a car crash and not looking. I slowed down and looked. What I saw was not an interest in reconciliation, but more of an upfront look at a pure personality disorder. Listening to him just confirmed how deep the disorder goes. Kind of like observing a lab rat.
Jun 28 - 11PM (Reply to #8)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

lab rat

That was a good one mallory. I actually can relate to what you're saying. It's only occasional now when I get an e-mail from my ex, but for a while, I'd scan through them. For me, it was reaffirming my bad opinion of him. He made a lot of statements about how he felt, and didn't really try to figure out why I was really upset, ignoring him, or show much empathy. Just that he knew if I stopped being so stubborn 'we can work this out'. After a while, instead of an immense source of pain, I would roll my eyes. His e-mails are basically the same...just like the letters he left me when he abandoned me several times. He really should have just saved himself the time and made copies, whited out the dates and stuck new ones on there! It's all just MEGA-bullsh** that gets easier and easier to see and predict!!
Jun 28 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

why do this to yourself

every single time the conversation goes beyond JUST THE FACTS? HANG UP!! Don't say goodbye - nothing... don't ask him to shut up - just HANG UP THE PHONE. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 28 - 11PM (Reply to #5)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

B*tch

I think the reason I don't just hang up on him, is I feel like such a B*tch. I should be more of one, I know. It also in some weird way confirms my decisions. As soon as he says something, I am reminded once agian what a total pathological freak he is. The real reason, there is part of me that doesn't want to believe that he is this subhuman. There is part of me that wants to hear that this has just been one horrible nightmare and he has seen the light. Okay, don't beat me up for this. I am getting as real as I can be with myself. There is a part of me that doesn't want to believe that I have been married to and created children with someone who can be this cruel and evil. The evidence is layed out infront of me. Any contact I do have just confirms these facts. I have lived his evilness. No contact is the finality. It is the ultimate taking off of the blinders. It is the complete disappearance of hope. It is the ultimate acceptance of the truth. No contact is finally shutting the door for good. Although I know in my heart of hearts I want no more relationship with him, I am afraid to go completely no contact, and I don't know why. I don't know why.
Jun 29 - 7AM (Reply to #7)
Fawn
Fawn's picture

Eternal Optimist

Mallory, I completely relate to you--it took me SOoooo long to give up hope. I am an optimist-- thatvis how I survived many, many disappointments in my life, including breast cancer.to give up on something I worked so hard to make right was nearly impossible. Something clicked in me finally a few months ago-- I think it was seeing how much he is hurting my older children. Mother Bear kicked in andthat was it for me. I am also completely revolted by his sleeping with a 23- year old. Gross! No, they can't be alone, even for one minute. They would have to face themselves and their hollow core. That is terrifying for them. There is nothing there-- no substance, no core values, nothing, NADA. They have to be around people at all times, and they just sort of adopt other people's mannerisms, habits, speech, etc. Creepy! The N in my life started coming to the door again when droppingvoff the kids, he was lurking around and called me too-- didn't answer, but I found out that during that time the babysitter was gone on vacation with her parents. He was just looking for someone to fill a slot. Just like he glommed on to her. She is just filling up space. For me , that is one of the most hurtful thing. I LOVED that guy and poured my heart and soul into the marriage. And all I was doing was filling up space. I had a realization yesterday though. At least I am capable of real love and real human emotions. He isn't.
Jun 28 - 11PM (Reply to #6)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

here's partly

here's partly why http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/26/people-pleasers-are-prime-targets-abusers this is SO important Mallory - PLEASE WRITE DOWN THIS POST AND TAKE IT WITH YOU TO YOUR THERAPIST ASAP!!! PLEASE!!! Start working on this "why" question. It will FREE YOU!! Babe In Total Control of Herself Proud to be a Bitch, myself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/