Fear of Abandonment

I was wondering, I have an INTENSE fear of abandonment (which has been fueled to an even greater extent by my experience with my ex.)

Does anyone else have this fear? I ask, because sometimes when I'm in a state of emotional turmoil over everything that happened between me and my ex, I sometimes feel that my "neediness" and insecurity and fear of losing him is exactly what drove him away.

Then I get to think what if he wasn't a Narc at all, but a healthy person who responded to my neediness by backing away and distancing himself.

I know when I am going through a phase of reliving trauma (PTSD) I can be overwhelming, and sometimes I think that maybe it was me overwhelming him that caused him to leave.

I know that it is common for a healthy push and pull in a relationship, and I guess I just question what is healthy after this relationship.

My ex does have strong Narc tendencies; every therapist I have spoke with confirms that, and I know it is common for Narcs to be attracted to empaths (which I am one,) but I guess, for me it's a question of which came first, the chicken or the egg....or in my case, the insecurity or the distancing.

The hardest thing for me going into this relationship was knowing that I had a strong fear of abandonment and have spiraled into deep depressions after the ending of past relationships, but this one was different. This one meant more to me and was deeper and closer (for me anyway) therefore, the stakes were higher and my fears went through the roof.

I also have to note that for the first year, my abandonment issues seemed to have eased. I felt secure in the relationship and with him. Close to our one year anniversary, I found a love letter he wrote to another guy (my ex was an actor and it was in his words a letter of admiration to another actor he was working with....another actor that he ended up having a weekend getaway with and continue having a friendship with even I after I expressed my discomfort.) I broke up with him and after a couple weeks we worked through it and he convinced me that I over-reacted and I gave the relationship another go. The next two years following that were hell...my fear had been triggered and there was no way to extinguish it.

And the dance continued: the more insecure and needy I became, the more he distanced until he finally left me for good....my worst fear had become my reality.
I guess I'm confused. Did he leave me because I was too needy or did I stay with him because of my fear of abandonment, or both???

Does anyone else struggle with this? I keep thinking that most people have abandonment issues and in a healthy relationship each partner does there best to re-affirm their love and make the other feel secure. My ex did the opposite. I feel he played on my fear and NEVER did anything to make me feel otherwise. After that first year together, after he knew I was in love with him, he completely D&D'd me...

The final year together he suggested an open relationship which he knew I did not believe in. When I told him I was against it...he distanced even further, staying out all hour of the night, hardly spending any time with me, hardly even talking to me. He no longer was affectionate, wouldn't even kiss me good night, would roll over with his back to me..It felt abusive...and as you can imagine, this drove my insecurities and fears through the roof!

No matter how hard I try to reconcile this, I keep thinking it was me that pushed him away, as irrational as that sounds.

He moved on and is now legally married to another guy.
Any thoughts on this would be appreciated....