Fantasy

I have always relied on fantasy to get me through life. It comes so naturally to me that I don't even think about it. When I was in high school I always wanted to be popular, but I wasn't. I think I have expressed here already how I have always been afraid that people don't like me. So in high school, I would make up my own little world in my mind where everybody loved me, and I was very pretty and talented and popular. Of course I would live my life as usual, but it was my made up world that got me through things. This way of coping has dropped off as my life went on, but I still drew from it from time to time. I hope this doesn't sound too crazy!!

With that in mind, it makes sense that I was so easily drawn in to the fantasy that the N represented. This is what I am still having the hardest time with. I just cannot seem to let it go.

Forgive me here. I know I have posed this question in various forms, as have other people. But the biggest roadblock that I am facing is that I still believe in that fantasy with him. On some days I believe so strongly that he is not disordered. He doesn't fully fit the profile of most of the others here. He doesn't have other supply. He didn't tell extravagant lies. He manipulated and abused me, but he said that was because he was afraid of losing me, and that if we were together and I left my husband it would be different.

Ok, as I wrote that last paragraph I realized how rediculous that sounded. Other people have told me how rediculous that sounds. My heart however is not listening. Can anyone help knock this out of me?