Fallen

I tripped and fell, caught myself with my right arm dusted my self off and thought I had only hurt my knee. 2 days later could barely move my right arm. Funny how God works.

I have been in the ER and to the Doctor and in so much pain. I can't even hold my youngest when she cries. I have been unable to dress myself or bathe. I have been forced to accept help from my husband. This has been so odd for me ! being so vulnerable in pain and NEEDING HIM has made my grief so strange! I have not been able to do barely anything for the children, cook and now can no longer drive for the pain in my shoulder and that now affects my arm. I realized the kids have been such a help with distracting me from the pain.

I have had to ask him for help when I don't want him near me.

My husband and had an argument and I told him I was divorcing him. He said he already knew and thought I would and began his speech about always loving me and the kids.

My husband has always been over sexed. I don't know how else to put it. From the time we dated even after marriage he could never get enough sex. He was in love with his manhood. He paid attention to it, admired it in the mirror, always touching himself. I realized after our 5th anniversary that I wasn't really able to keep with him any more. I just didn't want sex as often. I know that at some point he began to play online with other women, and I ignored it because honestly, I couldn't keep it up. I was tired of the constant sexual work, sex was no longer passionate, it became not as pleasurable , as connected as we once were. He changed and often acted out and spoke to me in ways that were demeaning. I didn't like how his dick became a weapon. I felt like he took his aggression out on me with sex more and more. I ignored behaviors like these I see now, which lead to him cheating. I ignored him when I knew he was masturbating online with other women.

It is hard to describe for me how I was able to turn my head and ignore what he was doing alone by himself online, but I knew him so well I knew he didn't realize I knew. And, at times I felt it helped me with him. I didn't want him having sex with anyone but I didn't have a boundary apparently there that was strong enough to make me call him on this!! I knew when pornography went into skype-sex. So I can not say I didn't know. I just didn't want to look at it, care about it because I didn't have to have sex with him so much.

And sex was not sex. As I read here so often. Sex was constantly changing up. Sex was an outlet, or entertainment for him. He could go on and on. If he didn't masturbate so often maybe he could achieve orgasm~ so I have been feeling lately as if this is a little my fault for ignoring this.

I had times when I knew so exactly what he was doing, it didn't surprise me. I felt realized. But I noticed things about his sexual nature and preferences that began to show me the variety of things he was interested in. Things he didn't talk to me about. So he became secretive. And again, noticed the secrecy...and felt relieved. He was leaving me alone.

I feel bad for this though now. I feel as if when I should of called him out, I chose the easy way for me. Because I was tired of having sex with him, the demanding sex. The way he wanted sex to have priority over everything, even the kids. The way he could block things out that were pending, because he needed sex.

so now I am in pain and in a sling doing everything with my left hand. My mother took my youngest today and I so sad. I am feeling so guilty today for looking the other way when I knew from the 1st time that he wasn't exactly being totally faithful to me.

I have been praying and praying God to not let me hate him. I have not wanted to ask for help from him. I have had tears running down my face and didn't want to ask him for help! I can't keep typing for the pain now and may not be able to write again for a while.

thank you for your prayers thank you so much for praying for my children. They don't know anything yet. I am working on doing everything left handed and can't do much of anything and the grief is so bad and I feel bad for turning my head. I feel like if I had called him on it , maybe it never would of progressed to cheating and a baby.