Fake it until you make it?

My girlfriend said that quote to me and I found it quite amusing, but a tad helpful. I woke up Saturday and spent time with my oldest son who is 14. We went to his double header and the sun was shining and I made it a point to enjoy the weather, his games, his fabulous pitching, the uplifting music in my phone, I even studied the fluffy clouds and smiled at the beauty of them. In the back of my mind the narc was lurking, but I faked the funk and wound up genuinely being happy...Sunday I did the same thing and spent time with my daughter...

Today, faking it is not so damn easy! I hate the highs and lows...I WANT to smile...I WANT to LET IT ALL GO...My God, I KNOW I deserve more...Sometimes I think if he showed up at my front door with his bags at his feet begging for forgiveness and professes love, what would I do with that? His image is eternally TAINTED. So much has been learned and so much pain has been experienced. I hate HIM for destroying all the memories we made even in our short time together of a year and half. Almost 5 weeks of NC and I have proved that I will NEVER EVER initiate contact. I used to think I FAKED the strength to be able to do that, but now I know the strength is VERY REAL and I will not allow another person to control me. I guess that is at least a little win for me?

Fake it until I make it, huh? Here I go plastering another smile on my face...Its almost time to leave work and see my children...I wont let them see a sad Mommy