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Explaining being with an N to the "uninitiated"

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#1 Jun 8 - 2PM
GhostBuster
GhostBuster's picture

Explaining being with an N to the "uninitiated"

The other day I was talking to someone, trying to explain quickly why being involved with an N is so traumatic (and why it takes a long time to deprogram and heal). I'm sure we all get these questions and it can be frustrating trying to explain it and field their questions or looks of disbelief. So I thought I'd share what I said:

"Imagine you think you have found the love of your life and you trust this person with your heart and personal safety. And then one day he quickly pulls off his mask and you realize he's the Jack Nicholson character in The Shining. Heeeeeeere's Johnny! Imagine how traumatic that would be?"

I know, it's a simplistic explanation but it seemed to paint the picture and drive the point home. And it didn't beg any additional questions from the person I was talking to.

I've also put it in this very bottom line, simplistic statement when someone wants to know why I broke up with my ex N. I say, "Well, if I had stayed with him I would have either ended up in the mental ward or an early grave. Neither were appealing."

Jun 9 - 12PM
Classie
Classie's picture

Like it!

Clever retort, Ghostbuster. "If I had stayed with him, etc." Must remember that when and if asked. Appreciate it!
Jun 8 - 4PM
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

Ghostbuster-

Maybe I will start using this as well. I get that question all of the time. One of our mutual friends and room mates was so confused why I am having a hard time getting over this jerk. I finally showed her this site and she had her own ah-ha moment. After that she stopped yelling at me to move on and started helping me recover. She is now creeped out by him and wants him nowhere near me!

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"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Jun 8 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Ghostbuster

I love this analogy! It describes the experience perfectly, doeesn't it? No one gets it. Not unless they have been through it themselves. That's why it feels so good to talk to all of you.
Jun 8 - 4PM
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

Great analogy! I think

Great analogy! I think having to keep it in is one of the hardest and most frustrating things. Next time, I will try out your approach!
Jun 8 - 3PM
NoNarcingZone
NoNarcingZone's picture

That sums it up...

...AND in less than a minute! I've found much difficulty in responding to questions about my separation from the NH - without resulting in a diatribe of profanities, my hair standing on edge & beads of sweat pouring down my face! LMAO! Explaining it all usually leaves me exhausted & questioning MY OWN damn sanity. I was recently asked, "...couldn't you work it out?" Tssshht! Ummmmm...the 12 mos of frequent flier miles I've racked up (leaving & returning to the N), my not (always) slapping his face when he unexpectedly raged and let's not forget the imprints (from my narrow ass) left in 3 separate Therapists' couches - from all that talking. That alone is PROOF enough of MY many attempts to work it out. Thanks for your words Ghostbuster. Now I'll put my crafting skills to work and see if I can fit that all on a T-shirt! LOL ----------------------------------------------- A gamester, the greater master he is in his art, the worse man he is. Francis Bacon (1561-1626)

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"Soldier, don't confuse your rank with MY authority!"

Jun 8 - 2PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

To anyone married who

To anyone married who questions you I'v said: Imagine if your husband (or wife) denied having been married to you. THAT's what it feels like to be with a narc.
Jun 8 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
smileyfacepr
smileyfacepr's picture

I think

No one really understands unless they have lived thru it like us, they dont understand the devastation and destruction of our souls.. I dont bother explaining, its too hard for anyone 2 understand..thats y we get " just get over it all ready"!!

smileyfacepr

Jun 8 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
broken23
broken23's picture

i find people dont get me

i find people dont get me anymore. when i was willing to lie to myself and "fix him" ... i had a whole crowd of supporters. now that i have spoken up and against the abuse ... people think im kuku and obsessive. i stopped talking to people. except my therapist. i love her.
Jun 8 - 4PM (Reply to #7)
ewa
ewa's picture

I get the same feeling

Yes i get exactly the same feeling. One of my best friends she was really supportive when i was trying to finish the relationship and i could not. I kept coming back to him and this she could understand. But when i see him now from different perspective then before and i share it with her i feel she thinks of me like of some kind of freak.
Jun 8 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

thanks for sharing that!

I always tell people: Ted Bundy was a very nice, good looking guy with a long-term girlfriend that had no clue what or who he was until the bodies started piling up... The BTK Killer was community leader with a wife who was also clueless until the police caught him - years later... imagine you've been involved with that sort of person... just not CRIMINAL enough to get caught by the police. Not a physical killer but a killer of souls and rapist of the mind... That usually does it. izzy23 - we live in a culture that loves to 'blame the victim' ~~~~~~~~~ Effective Coaching Specifically for Victims of Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Jun 8 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
GhostBuster
GhostBuster's picture

I understand how tough it is

I'm much more resolute and confident in what I know about Ns and about what happened to me now that I'm at 17 months NC (can't wait to say 18 months!). So it's probably easier for me now to just make these short, blunt statements without being triggered, freaking out and appearing like I'm the kook. I still have my days, but it's so much better than it was early on in NC. So, I can totally understand why you don't want to talk to people about it. Maybe put these statements in a drawer and pull them out later, when you feel you can handle talking about it. On a personal note, my Ex N who returned from deployment to the middle east earlier this year has moved to another state. When I learned of this last weekend, I literally did the snoopy dance! I'm so glad His Evilness is far away now. I actually took a walk during my lunch break yesterday and didn't feel the need once to look over my shoulder in case he was near.
Jun 8 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
NoNarcingZone
NoNarcingZone's picture

Eerie Feeling

Ghostbuster - I, too, will be able to do the Snoopy Dance soon. The STBXNH is deploying to the middle east in a few weeks. I left him 4 mos ago while we lived in Europe. I know he was coming here (stateside) before he deploys. I've refrained from outtings - at least locally (his family is nearby). I want NC. I still get this weird feeling though. He nor his family has inquired about our baby's welfare or anything. Oh wait (insert sarcasm)...that's right...they're too busy celebrating the N's visit home & his brother's recent release...from 5 yr incarceration. Wow! I bet the N's mom is firing up joints like crazy. Her boys have so much to tell her - that's IF their incessant 'babbling brook' sister ever lets either them get a word in edgewise. Damn! Layers of dysfunction. (Wonder if the N's mom smokes all that weed to ease the discomfort of her Krohn's) =)~ ------------------------------------------------ A gamester, the greater master he is in his art, the worse man he is. Francis Bacon (1561-1626)

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"Soldier, don't confuse your rank with MY authority!"