explain me this...

22 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 May 23 - 8PM
Tinker
Tinker's picture

explain me this...

i can understand that when he was being nice it was a ploy and he was mirroring and manipulating. but there were a few times last spring that keep going through my head that don't make sense to me and keep me stuck.

when i got engaged and was obviously moving away from the N, he truly looked sick about it. it was the same time that i read alot about N's and would look at him and think he's insane and it scared me a little. he seemed just desperate to keep me. the engagement didn't work out for a lot of reasons and then he hoovered big time and it was just too tempting even tho i knew he couldn't have changed.

but my question is - the appearance of love sickness is hard to fake. he truly looked and seemed lost and desperate when he thought he lost me. he wrote emails describing what we did and how he felt. is it possible he really felt anything for that short time or was it just losing supply?

soon after we got together, he showed up with a jacket looking great, to meet my parents. and almost a year ago, we actually spent a wonderful day together on my birthday. sometimes i can't believe these times were faked. how does that work? is EVERYTHING a sham??

of course, a couple months after he got me back he D&D'd me in the worst way... 2 weeks NC tomorrow

May 25 - 7AM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Drug addicts exhibit the same

Drug addicts exhibit the same 'sick' look when going through withdrawal. Mine was FRANTIC with panic when I ended things. Panicked ...texted, called...you name it...all that weekend to get me back. They are capable to feelings, but selfish feelings. It was all about him. He was losing his control over you--and he was sick about it. That's my take.
May 24 - 3PM
Tinker
Tinker's picture

thanks all

this helps and makes sense...he looked sad because he was losing something he thought he wanted/needed. wish i could stop thinking about it but at least i have two weeks in to healing...
May 24 - 6AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I think it depends

Narcs have feelings...FOR THEMSELVES...so that lost sick puppy look was authentic but it was about HIM. If they are unable to secure supply, then they get desperate. They recycle, and they use WHOMEVER for WHATEVER and can have a few that meet different needs...think Juggler? SO yes, he may have been looking like a sick, sad puppy, thats because that deep dark empty VOID was consuming him and he was temporarily out of supply. BUT, don't worry, they usually find another victim pretty quickly...in fact, later that night the smile might have returned. Hugs!
May 24 - 6AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

The psychopath fakes

The psychopath fakes everything .. thats a huge statment right and impossible to get youre head around . The reason they fake everything and have fake pasonas is they have no real self , no sence of self they have no inner core . When they are growing up they kind of get the sence they are diffrent from the other kids as all the other kids have theses things called emotions and feelings and they simply dont have them , when they hit about 13 or 14 they look around and realise they arnt liked very much in school and so in order to fit in they learn to mimic they other children , they get very good at it and by the time they reach adult hood they are really in their stride .. they love to watch romantic movies and copy the lines and body language of the lead men .. i watched dirty dancing the other night and noticed my narc had modeled himself on our Patrick , i didnt know weather to laugh or cry but it was a difinate light buld moment for me . Its crushing when the slow dawning happens in NC that who you thought you loved never loved you and will never love anyone , it has nothing to do with you , you did nothing wrong , he was born that way and will die that way , you can not love a neurological disorder better , the science is definatly leaning to nature rather than nurture on why psychopaths are the way they are . Keep NC and the confusion will go in time .. xxx
May 24 - 1AM
janine
janine's picture

Why N seems desperate

The way you describe him I suppose he was desperate, no act. In whatever way they needed you they are afraid to lose you. That does not mean they don't have others in store, but no woman can provide exactly what you gave him. Oh yeah, in this way you can be special and unique. It is self-pity rather than love. They do not have a heart. Some notes from my N that might convince you this is true, notes he wrote to himself like a diary, in the months after I'd left him last year: Janine can never be replaced because of her human qualities and loyalty (meaning he could easily replace me in bed and did, LOL). There will never be another J in my life, she's been my very last and only friend. I'm going down again and there's no more J.to call, and just why would she have a loser like me? On and on like this. There's something peculiar about those notes and all their acting. It is as if in their twisted mind they realize a few things, but there is no emotional resonance. They are disconnected from their feelings. I think, Marissa, that being highly empathic we pick up and may absorb their despair and that makes it hard for us to leave.
May 23 - 9PM
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Marissa, you are wonderful

Marissa, you are wonderful and together, and that is the only problem here :-)
May 24 - 5AM (Reply to #10)
Tinker
Tinker's picture

PG...

this morning an email got in "his" folder and it showed something from him (it was in error). if i'm so together, why does my heart jump when i see that??
May 25 - 2AM (Reply to #14)
empath
empath's picture

Marissa and email folders

I giggled when I saw your comment. I set up a mail filter and the N's emails go into a folder. I did this so I would no longer feel the anxiety caused by knowing an email from him could pop up at any time. The folder is near the bottom of a long list of folders, and I have to go out of my way to check it. Which of course I occasionally do. I had debated blocking his emails altogether, then I was bothered by the idea that he might be sending me emails thinking I am getting them when I'm not. I should mention we used to do legitimate business together, so I thought until I know I am past the point where there might be a valid reason for contact (which I could always have someone else take care of on my behalf, if necessary), that I should not just block his emails. Better to just let him wonder if his emails are getting through, or not. The OTHER reason for not blocking his emails, is for my own safety. The N has been rather stalkerish and persistent in his hoovering in the past, and has even done a few very strange things since I went NC. My best friend and I agreed that it would be better, if it doesn't bother me to know his emails still get through, to NOT have them blocked, in case the N deteriorates or threatens my safety in any way. My bff has my email password and knows everything about everything, in case, heaven forbid, I underestimated the N's ability to refrain from any kind of retaliation or violence towards me for leaving him and going NC. I do get anxious when I see an email show up in "his" folder, and I do read them. It is not a good feeling, and I am still so sensitive that it takes me hours to recover from them. Mostly because I resent him sending them, and because they are his way of hitting the reset button and pretending like I didn't have a valid reason for leaving. When I first broke contact with him, I interpreted the emails as him "missing" me, when of course all he missed was his NS. I no longer view the emails as an ego boost, and instead see them for what they are...a lazy way of trying to get back in my good graces, and a way of keeping his name or his image in my consciousness...in marketing, they would call that "positioning". Just when enough time has passed that I may have forgotten him or could possibly be "over" him...somehow another email shows up. Just to remind me he is still here, I suppose. Just in case I should ever lose my mind again and decide to resume contact with him and give him another opportunity to D&D me, so he can be in control. I am hoping that with time, it will no longer concern me whether or not an email shows up in his folder, and will no longer bother me when it does. I received 2 emails from him on Friday, after two weeks of him "punishing" me with his silence. It seems the head games continue whether or not I actively engage him, and I have steeled my will to endure that and remain NC. I am 5 weeks NC, and there have been moments where it was awful, however it has all been worth it to feel as though I am in control of me again. I am in control of who I let into my life. I don't owe him anything, not even a response. I don't have to allow myself to be affected by what he says or does. NC has given me the peace of mind that I needed, to free myself from his crazymaking behavior and begin to heal. Managing my email inbox with mail sorting rules and folders has worked well for me. I wonder how other people here manage the contact to their benefit, and if they ignore, block or filter.
May 25 - 5AM (Reply to #16)
Tinker
Tinker's picture

empath - email folder

i changed my email folder from his name to ZZZZCLOSED months ago to avoid the trigger of seeing his name. like yours, his folder is (obviously!) last so i don't see it often. i told him he was blocked too but i don't think he believed it plus he jumped to my work email which i don't want to happen to rage at me when i wouldn't come back on his terms. managing the triggers is so important. while it's all still a nightmare, not seeing his email first, and changing his name on my phone to NARC helped. i have over 4000 emails in that folder. i told him once that i was going to write an article about him from those emails. does anyone know if i can save them somewhere else off email and still be able to access them??
May 25 - 3AM (Reply to #15)
adoette
adoette's picture

Empath

This might be worthy of a new thread? This has been an ongoing issue for me...more later!
May 24 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Marissa what I am trying to

Marissa what I am trying to say is that you are just wonderful the way you are, and that is not acceptable to a narc. They must destroy the brightest and best. You are not feeling together but you are - only together people self-search and seek to better themselves. That is the mark of all successful human beings.
May 24 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
Tinker
Tinker's picture

patience

that's what i wanted to say to you too in your post about obsessing about physical appearance! you are wonderful the way you are! and they hate that, that we are ok w/how we are and that others in our life love us for us. thank you, your post was so sweet. i'm still sad and very lonely while he's with someone now.
May 24 - 9PM (Reply to #13)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Thanks Marissa...I appreciate

Thanks Marissa...I appreciate you saying that. I still hate my nose :-)
May 23 - 8PM
Steph
Steph's picture

"he truly looked and seemed

"he truly looked and seemed lost and desperate when he thought he lost me." Perhaps he did.....but that didn't have anything to do with losing you as a GREAT PERSON.....it had to do with losing you as SUPPLY. A dent to his ego. That's it. That's all, unfortunately. He got you back and then dumped you again! That says it all right there. Don't second guess things. Everything about a N is a sham.
May 23 - 8PM
peace11
peace11's picture

You answered your own

You answered your own question. :/ "of course, a couple months after he got me back he D&D'd me in the worst way" I go back and forth about it still (its been over a year).. It couldn't have ALL been FAKE.. RIGHT? Yes.. Yes it was, is and always will be. Stay Strong
May 23 - 8PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

I think they live in the

I think they live in the moment, I also think they get the shit scared out of them once you get too close. Its all the same pattern. I've given up trying to figure it out. It will drive you more crazy than they have already made you. Idealize, devalue, discard, rinse and repeat Hunter
May 23 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

"Run away!"

One of my favorite quotes from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." Boy, that sums up the ex-Psych prof to a tee. If I was *HAPPY*... he'd run away (those of you whose Ns/Ps only could bear them when they were happy, I hereby envy you) If he thought I was laughing at him... he'd run away. When I declared my love to him... he'd run away, moving his seminar from one classroom to another. When I met his girlfriend and I had a nice conversation with her... he ran away, physically abandoning her in front of his colleagues. When the senior skit ridiculed his habit of running away and he sat plopped in the front row with his beer... he ran away. Who knew I could put the fear of God into a professor 15 years my senior? The guy was old enough to be MY FATHER! Apparently, I had Goddess-like powers to strike fear into the core of his being. It begs the question- why didn't he worship me&become my slave?
May 24 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
terri
terri's picture

Susan

Your posting made me remember this very odd behavior in my exNarc as well. He wouldn't literally "run" but he would remove himself very quickly and it was very strange. Even people present when he would do this would look at me strangely and ask "what's up with that?" In fact, looking back, he was just extremely anxious and uncomfortable in most social sitations - usually on the fringe observing until he found himself the center of attention and then he was so adept at being Mr. Wonderful and Mr. Know-it-All. In fact, it was like he would purposefully keep himself apart as a tactic to get people to reach out and draw him in. GOD! I really hope I can be well on my way to recovery soon!! Just remembering these things make me want to push a fast-forward button to get me into a happier future NOW!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

May 23 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
Tinker
Tinker's picture

ur both right...

of course! he just looked so lost i thought he actually had a heart! that didn't last long tho... "I think they live in the moment, I also think they get the shit scared out of them once you get too close." i told him two weeks ago i wanted a guy who wasn't so fearful of everything, which i'm sure he hated. he always played the big macho guy, not scared of anything. but he must have been scared shitless when he "got" me and then had to play the part. still shaking my head...
May 23 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
mynewlife2011
mynewlife2011's picture

the thing is marissa

they never truly know what the hell they want, and they never will. They don't like decisions being made for them either. They like to keep as many NS victims on the "hook" as possible. They have a great fear of their NS drying up, so they always need more. And, they are incapable of commitment of any kind, because they do not know what they want. That is why the mixed messages are a constant with them. They are incapable of considering the other person, so there is always one more lie, one more manipulation etc.so that they don't blow cover and lose NS. It's all about them, their needs. He probably did want to meet your parents and have a great day out with you THAT DAY. Problem is by the following day, he moved onto something else. My ExNH (a serial cheater)actually introduced one of his side NS (there were 2 at the time) to his parents, and then came home to me that night. Then he D&D her the following week.
May 24 - 5AM (Reply to #4)
Tinker
Tinker's picture

what a story mynewlife

did you know that? a few weeks after my b-day, the N and I spent the weekend together at the beach. i left about 4 on sunday, sad to leave him. i found out later that by 5 pm he had emailed an old gf asking her to "kneel" for him. I actually got a copy of that email...he said i took it out of context, yea right!!