The Exes

It's been about a year for me, and for the most part, I'm feeling great. It's only instances when I give into my curiousity about what he's up to that I find myself hurt again (which should teach me not to go looking, I know, but in my own defense, my scavenger hunts are few and far between anymore!).

He had a birthday recently. I deleted him from my FB months ago, but his wall is public, so I can still see if I do a search for him. It was gratifying to me that he has over 400 FB friends, but only maybe 50, at most, posted to wish him a happy birthday. What astounded me, though was how so many of his exes from YEARS ago, like when we were in high school more than twenty years ago - most of these women are married with school-aged kids by now, and many live in other states - wished him a happy birthday and told him how they loved him and missed him and hoped his day was wonderful.

Am I the only ex who wants nothing to do with him? Who still can't believe he treated me the way he did when I'd done nothing to deserve it, even knowing all I know about narcissism? Who sees him for what he is? Who can't begin to imagine opening myself up for another trip on the roller coaster by having him back in my life?

How can they still love him, miss him, wish him nothing but cotton candy and rainbows? The floozy he took up with after me is on there, too, calling him "sweetie," but I give her a pass for it still being relatively recent - I still wanted to be in his good graces as recently as this past spring. These other women are from when we were teenagers, into our early twenties (although I didn't see the woman he was with before me anywhere on there wishing him a happy one . . . hmm). Did he maybe not do to these what he did to me?

I don't know why, but bits and pieces of this whole experience - like this one - are still so hard for me to understand and put to rest.