Excellent article

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#1 Jan 15 - 5PM
neverlookback
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Excellent article

This article was written by: Claudia Moscovici

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/22/the-psychopaths-rel...

Because they suffer from incurable personality disorders, psychopaths repeat over and over the same relationship cycle, no matter whom they’re dating or for how long. Relationships with them are always castles–or, sometimes, marriages–built on sand. Today I’ll describe the entire process of psychopathic seduction, from its seemingly ideal beginning to its invariably bitter end.
In their book on psychopaths in the workplace, entitled Snakes in Suits, Babiak and Hare state that the psychopathic bond follows certain predictable stages: idealize, devalue and discard. This process may take several years or only a few hours. It all depends on what the psychopath wants from you and whether or not you present a challenge to him. If the psychopath wants the semblance of respectability–a screen behind which he can hide his perverse nature and appear harmless and normal–he may establish a long-term partnership with you or even marry you. If all he wants is to have some fun, it will be over within a couple of hours. If he wants the stimulation and diversion of an affair, he may stay with you for as long as you excite him. Despite the differences in timeline, what remains constant is this: eventually, sooner or later, you’ll be discarded (or be led by the psychopath’s bad behavior to discard him) as soon as you no longer serve his needs.
Babiak and Hare explain that although psychopaths are highly manipulative, the process of idealize, devalue and discard is a natural outgrowth of their personalities. In other words, it’s not necessarily calculated at every moment in the relationship. Overall, however, whether consciously or not, psychopaths assess and drain the use-value out of their romantic partners. (Snakes in Suits, 42) During the assessment phase, psychopaths interact closely with their targets to see what makes them tick. They ask probing questions, to discover their unfulfilled needs and weaknesses. They also commonly lure their targets with promises to offer them whatever’s been missing from their lives. If you’re recovering from a recent divorce, they offer you friendship and an exciting new romantic relationship. If you’ve suffered a death in the family, they appear to be sympathetic friends. If you’re going through financial difficulties, they lend you money to seem generous.
During the manipulation phase, Babiak and Hare go on to explain, psychopaths construct the “psychopathic fiction.” They pour on the charm to hook their victims emotionally and gain their trust. They present themselves as kind-hearted individuals. Of course, in order to do so, psychopaths resort to outrageous lies since, in reality, they’re just the opposite. In romantic relationships in particular, they depict themselves as not only compatible with you, but also as your soul mate. While seeming your complement, they also present themselves as your mirror image. They claim to share your interests and sensibilities. Babiak and Hare observe: “This psychological bond capitalizes on your inner personality, holding out the promise of greater depth and possibly intimacy, and offering a relationship that is special, unique, equal–forever.” (Snakes in Suits, 78)
Because psychopaths are great manipulators and convincing liars, as we’ve seen, many of their victims don’t heed the warning signals. During the early phases of a romantic relationship, people in general tend to be too blinded by the euphoria of falling in love to focus on noticing red flags. Also, during this period, the psychopaths themselves are on their best behavior. Yet, generally speaking, they get bored too easily to be able to maintain their mask of sanity consistently for very long. The honeymoon phase of the relationship usually lasts until the psychopath intuitively senses that he’s got you on the hook or until he’s gotten bored by the relationship and moved on to other targets. He shows his true colors when he’s got no incentive left to pretend anymore. As Babiak and Hare note, “Once psychopaths have drained all the value from a victim—that is, when the victim is no longer useful—they abandon the victim and move on to someone else.” (Snakes in Suits, 53)
This raises the question of why a psychopath idealizes his targets in the first place. Why do psychopaths invest so much effort, time and energy into giving the illusion of intimacy and meaning in a relationship, given that they never really bond with other human beings in the first place? One obvious response would be that they do it for the sport of it. They enjoy both the chase and the kill; the seduction and the betrayal. They relish creating the illusion that they’re something they’re not. They also enjoy observing how they dupe others into believing this fiction. Moreover, whenever a psychopath expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because he wants something from that person. I think, however, that this explanation is somewhat reductive. Many psychopaths experience powerful obsessions that resemble intense passions. Besides, this explanation doesn’t distinguish conmen, who fake their credentials and interest in a person, from psychopaths “in love,” who are pursuing their targets for what initially seems even to them as “romantic” reasons.
A broader explanation, which would include both kinds of psychopaths, might look something like this: as research confirms, all psychopaths suffer from a shallowness of emotion that makes their bonding ephemeral and superficial, at best. When they want something–or someone–they pursue that goal with all their might. They concentrate all of their energies upon it. When that goal is your money or a job or something outside of yourself, their pursuit may appear somewhat fake. You’re a means to an end. You were never idealized for yourself, but for something else. But when their goal is actually you–seducing you or even marrying you–then their pursuit feels like an idealization. Temporarily, you represent the object of their desire, the answer to their needs, the love of their life and the key to their happiness. But this feeling of euphoria doesn’t last long because it’s empty to the core. As we’ve observed, once psychopaths feel they have you in their grasp—once your identity, hopes and expectations are pinned on them—they get bored with you and move on to new sources of pleasure and diversion. We’ve also seen in Cleckley’s study that the same logic applies to their other goals as well. Psychopaths tire rather quickly of their jobs, their geographic location, their hobbies and their educational endeavors. But it hurts so much more, and it feels so much more personal, when what they get tired of is you, yourself.
Their loss of interest appears as a devaluation. From the center of their life, you suddenly become just an obstacle to their next pursuit. Since psychopaths are intuitively skilled at “dosing,” or giving you just enough validation and attention to keep you on the hook, you may not immediately notice the devaluation. It’s as if the psychopath intuitively knows when to be charming again (in order not to lose you) and when to push your boundaries, further and lower. Your devaluation occurs gradually yet steadily. One day you finally notice it and wonder how you have allowed yourself to sink so low. Occasionally, he throws you a bone–takes you out, plans a romantic evening, says kind and loving things—to lead you to dismiss your healthy intuitions that you’re being mistreated. If the psychopath allows himself to treat you worse and worse it’s not only because you’re much less exciting in his eyes. It’s also because he’s conditioned you to think less highly of yourself and to accept his dubious behavior. Because you want to hold on to the fantasy of the ideal relationship he cultivated, you go into denial. You accept his implausible excuses. You put up with your growing fears and doubts. You rationalize his inexplicable absences, his increasingly frequent emotional withdrawals, his curt and icy replies, his petty and mean-spirited ways of “punishing” you for asserting your needs or for not bending to his will.
But at some point, when he sinks to a new low or when you catch him in yet another lie, you slip out of the willful denial which has been your way of adjusting to the toxic relationship. Because he has lowered your self-esteem, you ask yourself why this has happened and what you did wrong. If he cheated on you, you blame the other woman or women involved. The psychopath encourages you to pursue such false leads. In fact, he encourages anything that deflects attention from his responsibility in whatever goes wrong with your relationship. He leads you to blame yourself. He also inculpates the other women. He implies that you were not good enough for him. He claims that the other women tempted or pursued him. But that’s only a diversionary tactic. You have flaws and you made mistakes, but at least you were honest and real. The other women involved may have been decent human beings, the scum of the Earth or anything in between. Think about it. Does it really matter who and what they were? You are not involved with the other women. They are not your life partners, your spouses, your lovers or your friends. What matters to you most is how your own partner behaves. He is primarily accountable for his actions. Not you, not the other women.
Also, keep in mind that psychopaths twist the truth to fit their momentary goals and to play mind games. When you actually pay attention to what they say instead of being impressed by how sincere they may appear, their narratives often sound inconsistent and implausible. What they say about other women, both past and present, is most likely a distortion too. Psychopaths commonly project their own flaws upon others. If they tell you they were seduced, it was most likely the other way around. If they tell you that their previous girlfriends mistreated them, cheated on them, got bored with them, abandoned them, listen carefully, since that’s probably what they did to those women. Their lies serve a dual function. They help establish credibility with you as well as giving them the extra thrill of deceiving you yet again.
So why were you discarded? you may wonder. You were devalued and discarded because you were never really valued for yourself. As we’ve seen, for psychopaths relationships are temporary deals, or rather, scams. Analogously, for them, other human beings represent objects of diversion and control. The most flattering and pleasant phase of their control, the only one that feels euphoric and magical, is the seduction/idealization phase. That’s when they pour on the charm and do everything they possibly can to convince you that you are the only one for them and that they’re perfect for you. It’s very easy to mistake this phase for true love or passion. However, what inevitably follows in any intimate relationship with a psychopath is neither pleasant nor flattering. Once they get bored with you because the spell of the initial conquest has worn off, the way they maintain control of you is through deception, isolation, abuse, gaslighting and undermining your self-confidence.
That’s when you realize that the devaluation phase has set in. You do whatever you can to regain privileged status. You try to recapture the excitement and sweetness of the idealization phase. You want to reclaim your rightful throne as the queen you thought you were in his eyes. But that’s an impossible goal, an ever-receding horizon. Every women’s shelter tells victims of domestic violence that abuse usually gets worse, not better, over time. For abusers, power is addictive. It works like a drug. The dosage needs to be constantly increased to achieve the same effect. Control over others, especially sexual control, gives psychopaths pleasure and meaning in life. To get the same rush from controlling you, over time, they need to tighten the screws. Increase the domination. Increase the manipulation. Isolate you further from those who care about you. Undermine your confidence and boundaries more, so that you’re left weaker and less prepared to stand up for yourself. The more you struggle to meet a psychopath’s demands, the more he’ll ask of you. Until you have nothing left to give. Because you have pushed your moral boundaries as low as they can go. You have alienated your family and friends, at the psychopath’s subtle manipulation or overt urging. You have done everything you could to satisfy him. Yet, after the initial idealization phase, nothing you did was ever good enough for him.
It turns out that he’s completely forgotten about the qualities he once saw in you. If and when he talks about you to others, it’s as if he were ashamed of you. That’s not only because he lost interest in you. It’s also the instinctive yet strategic move of a predator. If your family, his family, your mutual friends have all lost respect for you–if you’re alone with him in the world–he can control you so much easier than if you have external sources of validation and emotional support. Psychopaths construct an “us versus them” worldview. They initially depict your relationship as privileged and better than the ordinary love bonds normal people form. This is of course always a fiction. In fact, the opposite holds true. An intimate relationship with a psychopath is far inferior to any normal human relationship, where both people care about each other. Such a relationship is necessarily one-sided and distorted. It’s a sham on both sides. Being a consummate narcissist, he loves no one but himself and cares about nothing but his selfish desires.
If and when he does something nice, it’s always instrumental: a means to his ends or to bolster his artificial good image. Dr. Jekyll is, in fact, always Mr. Hyde on the inside. And even though you may be capable of love, you’re not in love with the real him–the cheater, the liar, the manipulator, the player, the hollow, heartless being that he is–but with the charming illusion he created, which you initially believed but which becomes increasingly implausible over time. From beginning to end, all this phony relationship can offer you is a toxic combination of fake love and real abuse. He constructs the psychopathic bond through deception and manipulation. You maintain it through self-sacrifice and denial.
But pretty soon, when you find yourself alone with the psychopath, you see it’s not us versus them, your couple above and against everyone else. It’s him versus you. He will act like your worst enemy, which is what he really is, not as the best friend and adoring partner he claimed to be. If he criticizes you to others–or, more subtly, fosters antagonisms between you and family members and friends–it’s to further wear you down and undermine your social bonds. Once he tires of you, he induces others to see you the same way that he does: as someone not worthy of him; as someone to use, demean and discard. Before you were beautiful and no woman could compare to you. Now you’re at best plain in his eyes. Before you were cultured and intelligent. Now you’re the dupe who got played by him. Before you were dignified and confident. Now you’re isolated and abject. In fact, right at the point when you feel that you should be rewarded for your sacrifice of your values, needs, desires and human bonds–all for him–the psychopath discards you.
He’s had enough. He’s gotten everything he wanted out of you. Bent you out of shape. Taken away, demand by demand, concession by concession, your dignity and happiness. As it turns out, the reward you get for all your devotion and efforts is being nearly destroyed by him. Ignoring your own needs and fulfilling only his–or fulfilling yours to gain his approval–has transformed you into a mere shadow of the lively, confident human being you once were.
He uses your weaknesses against you. He also turns your qualities into faults. If you are faithful, he sees your fidelity as a weakness, a sign you weren’t desirable enough to cheat. Nobody else really wanted you. If you are virtuous, he exploits your honesty while he lies and cheats on you. If you are passionate, he uses your sensuality to seduce you, to entrap you through your own desires, emotions, hopes and dreams. If you are reserved and modest, he describes you as asocial and cold-blooded. If you are confident and outgoing, he views you as flirtatious and untrustworthy. If you are hard working, unless he depends on your money, he depicts you as a workhorse exploited by your boss. If you are artistic and cultured, he undermines your merit. He makes you feel like everything you create is worthless and cannot possibly interest others. You’re lucky that it ever interested him. After the idealization phase is over, there’s no way to please a psychopath. Heads you lose, tails he wins. But remember that his criticisms are even less true than his initial exaggerated flattery. When all is said and done, the only truth that remains is that the whole relationship was a fraud.
The process of the psychopathic bond is programmatic. It’s astonishingly elegant and simple given the complexity of human behavior. Idealize, devalue and discard. Each step makes sense once you grasp the psychological profile of a psychopath, of an (in)human being who lives for the pleasure of controlling and harming others. 1) Idealize: not you, but whatever he wanted from you and only for however long he wanted it. 2) Devalue: once he has you in his clutches, the boredom sets in and he loses interest. 3) Discard: after he’s gotten everything he wanted from you and has probably secured other targets.
For you, this process is excruciatingly personal. It may have cost you your time, your heart, your friends, your family, your self-esteem or your finances. You may have put everything you had and given everything you could to that relationship. It may have become your entire life. For the psychopath, however, the whole process isn’t really personal. He could have done the same thing to just about anyone who allowed him into her intimate life. He will do it again and again to everyone he seduces. It’s not about you. It’s not about the other woman or women who were set against you to compete for him, to validate his ego, to give him pleasure, to meet his fickle needs. He wasn’t with them because they’re superior to you. He was with them for the same reason that he was with you. To use them, perhaps for different purposes than he used you, but with the same devastating effect. He will invariably treat others in a similar way to how he treated you. Idealize, devalue and discard. Rinse and repeat. This process was, is and will always be only about the psychopath for as long as you stay with him.

Jan 21 - 4PM
Samantha
Samantha's picture

Everyone should read this article

Thank you so much for sharing this. I have read it probably five times since it was posted. I hope everyone on this site takes a few minutes to read it. It perfectly summarizes the relationship I had with the narc as well as how he treats his wife. It's been 3-1/2 months since I talked to him and I feel better than I have since the day we started our affair. There are moments when I throw myself a pity party and think, "His wife has forgiven him and they're off running around the world and blissfully happy, staring into each others' eyes and skipping through life while I try to rebuild my marriage," but the reality is that the narc is incapable of having a truly good relationship. He was married just 3 years when he & I started our affair and I guarantee he'll do it again to her. But it won't be with me!! Again, thank you for this.
Jan 17 - 2PM
spinning
spinning's picture

NLB, OUTSTANDING in a

oh so scary way. This article describes exactly what I experienced as if I could have written (if only I were more clinically distanced from this nightmare). This makes me seethe with anger...which I'd rather do that sob like I was yesterday. INHUMAN MONSTERS not deserving of one more second of my time. Thank you for this NLB, I will print it and re-read it often so I hope I can too, NEVER LOOK BACK on this pitiful creature again. Hugs to you strong heart... sincerely (trying so very hard to stop) spinning

spinning

Jan 17 - 3PM (Reply to #20)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

which I'd rather do that sob like I was yesterday.

Oh Sweetie dont sob over a SOB, I remember all too well those days of such despair and heartache where I cried so hard I shook and threw up, ----- these monsters cause such pain with their victims, while I was crying and losing 30 pounds he was out screwing everything in sight while promising me a wonderful life with him. I thought I would never never get over losing him and how very much I wanted him, trust me you will. Mine had EVERYTHING and I mean everything, looks, brains, lots of $$$$$$ and now as I look back I would not have him for all the money in the world, he is such a rotten person and he never ever deserved me nor did your deserve you. Take away everything they have and own and they are NOTHING, but if you take away everything we have and own we would still be something, and dont forget that. x0x0
Jan 16 - 4PM
StillHurting
StillHurting's picture

This article made me cry

I was too good for all of it and too good for him for sure. What a waste of a perfectly good person, and he won't ever know anything like we had or anyone as loving as I am. His wife must be the same way, which is why they remain together. I bet he must be a bastard to live with, which is why he spends 80% of his time out of the house.
Jan 16 - 4PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

Actually that's really scared me

He told me about his "ex" (singular, which also now turns out to be a lie) and how they had some serious problems when he (narc) wanted to end the relationship, and how the other guy wouldn't let go. It's a horrible thought that it could very well have been the other way around, and Narc Boy was the one behaving so obsessively.
Jan 16 - 12PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Psychopaths

The ex-Psych professor was disconnected from his own emotions (his surreal reaction to his own injury-a deep bleeding wound in lab class-freaked people out), disconnected from others, and he was obsessed with how language creates/shapes reality. I'm using the same phrases a news story did to describe Jared Loughner, the Tucson shooter. The ex-P discarded his colleagues; by the time I was D&D'd, they only related to him on business, impersonal terms. It's not just how he treated women or romantic partners- he treated colleagues and men the same way.
Jan 15 - 7PM
hedidntbreakme
hedidntbreakme's picture

Excellent!! i needed

Excellent!! i needed that..thank you
Jan 15 - 6PM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

Really an Excellent Article.......aceone

Thanks....I knew this but when i read it now,my heart shivers...Thats exactly how it went....Just want to say my ex N told me I got more from him than anybody ever got...And that i got close,thats all....whatever that means....

Aceonelady

Jan 15 - 7PM (Reply to #13)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

my ex N told me I got more from him than anybody ever got.

and he thought that was supposed to make you feel special? THe few bones mine threw at me were supposed to make ME feel so special and the fact he kept me around for almost 4 years when he got rid of others after 4 months, WOW wasnt I the lucky one. Lucky enough to be tortured longer than the others I guess. Guess he had alot he had to suck out of me in other words. I got close to a psychopath, something I never want to ever experience again.
Jan 15 - 7PM (Reply to #14)
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

neverlookback re

Yep,i sure do feel special...Getting special new improved longer sadistic torture methods....like you,4 years and some...I got all the EXTRA's....

Aceonelady

Jan 15 - 5PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Amen

This is my lifestory with the psychopath neverlookback..if only you knew the devotion, sacraftice, hope, and love poured, you would see that it is just as stated above...going to save this, read it over and over again..thank you, you, are a sweetheart, please continue to save us...if you have been in a similar situation, perhaps you understand...
Jan 15 - 5PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Thank you for posting this.

Thank you for posting this. It's good to read and remind myself of this tonight. Thank you
Jan 15 - 5PM
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Neverlookback,

This is an excellent article!! I think we can all relate, sadly. This is psychopathy 101 in a clear, condensed version. Anyone who is doubting they made the right choice by going or remaining NC, this should clear any of those doubts. Thank you!!
Jan 15 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

Your Welcome

Good, just keep reading those articles and it will sink in how dangerous they are to who ever they are with. Nobody was ever better or superior to you, just used for a different agenda, and they hurt and abuse all others just like they did you just in different ways, but just as severe. Nobody is getting anything better than you got.
Jan 15 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

neverlookback

Thank you for saying that. Tonight I am wondering if his next woman will have it better and be nicer or more understanding than me. Tolerate more and be everything he wants. I need to remember he will do this to all women and no woman will ever meet his needs.
Jan 15 - 10PM (Reply to #8)
strongerthanever
strongerthanever's picture

Same thoughts

I posted tonight The OW is blind because I too have been wondering because I heard that when the truth was told to her, others standing there waving the red flags, she said, "not interested in hearing what you have to say". Then I came across this post. It did make me cry. I really do need to remember the same as what you said.
Jan 16 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
Disillusionedx2
Disillusionedx2's picture

look at it like you once did...

She's in that euphoric state right now, high as a kite; don't you remember when you were floating on cloud 9? Not one soul could have told me what I refuse to see/acknowledge....it was too good to be true!!!! I knew deep down he was a snake in the grass, but my own emotional needs were so thirsty I took the bait and did not want to let go. I didn't know it was going to get away no matter what I did/said. I just knew I didn't want that feeling to end, so nope, during that stage she's not going to listen; she will have to cycle through just as you did, as we all have done, sometimes more than once. Excellent article brought back some anger, and the realization that the entire N-ship was FAKE. It may not be personal, but that doesn't ease the pain at all.... stay~striving

stay~strong

Jan 15 - 6PM (Reply to #7)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

Tonight I am wondering if his next woman will have it better and

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? No, unless he can turn off his pathology and his disorder it will never happen. They are NEVER satisfied with one person and I remember that as he called me behind his GF's back and was missing me and wanting me - it was never something his GF failed to give him, or what I failed to give him as he no doubt cheated on both of us, going thru his little saved phone numbers on his cell phone to see who else could stimulate him. Its not YOU its the supply/drug they need to constantly seek others for validation and adulation and to make him feel like GOD - cheating and always on the scout for new stuff is part of their disorder it has NOTHING to do with what you in your mind failed to tolerate or give him, you never failed at anything, he failed. So tonight stop your wondering there will be no woman on the face of the earth who will have it better, not with a mentally disordered person, its not possible. I quit being jealous of his other woman, I feel sorry for her - poor thing I hope one day she leaves the piece of scum and finds someone she truly deserves.
Jan 15 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
StillHurting
StillHurting's picture

I agree

Even if I think the wife or whoever he picks up next will last and be a better turnout, I know it will not. I am not replaceable, and he will see this soon enough. Not missing his calls, and most days I do not cry, so it is progress for me.
Jan 15 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
therose
therose's picture

wow

This article was really a wake up call.. It makes me wonder too about me, what I represented, as he wouldl say he had to marry me to show the world he could get married cuz many past g/f's told him he would never be married. And he would often say he wants me and only me because I did good with my life, went to college, had jobs and did well, while he had jail time, drugs and a child out of wedlock. So, it almost felt like he was trying to prove something instead of it being about me. That was how I felt then, and ignored that weird feeling. My guess is yeah, he did get bored, the last trip I could see what I thought was boredom, but just thought he was tired from his job. But that would explain it then too much waitinf ror the next trip, since he didn't come down and yeah, my guess is someone else came along and he used the story of she is never up here so I really need you in my life Iif he got new supply) and it's so hard on me, making me look like the uncaring g/f in another state who wouldn't do anything for him. Sigh...I hate to think of it that way, but it could be a very logical possibility. Thanks for this article! M

"do you believe that dreams come true? hold on to your dreams." - Madonna

Jan 16 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
Disillusionedx2
Disillusionedx2's picture

the rose

Anything he does is for HIM, anything he says is for HIM, and they will do/say anything to get what they want/need at that moment in time. No one is "special" but they will say you are. They will say they admire you because you are educated, financially stable etc, it's all a ruse. Same happened with me, I thought my position was solid, because of which I am and my achievements’ compared to those he'd been with in the past (his words not mine) High school drop outs, un-wed, multiple children with different partners, me, college educated, retired military, financially stable, own home blah blah blah, him xcon, high school drop out, no indeed, it means NOTHING but a means until the end. His supply stable consist of those whom I described, he would throw it up to me that one or two were nurses assistants, not knowing any better, I am an RN, he has no clue what he's talking about his point was to degrade me, until I informed him of education/rank, duh!!! He may miss the "source of supply" but we as living, breathing, human beings, will not be missed, they are NOT human therefore they are incapable of humanly emotions.

stay~strong