establishing No Contact

NC is the only way to survive and heal. I think it would be easier for you to establish NC if you would quit drinking for awhile. Alcohol makes every thought fuzzy and it makes us think things are the way we WANT them to be and not how they really are. I can't drink at all anymore because when I do I lose all sense of reality. I either get raging mad or weepy. Alcohol is NO GOOD during recovery from a Narc!! Try not drinking for a few weeks and see how much better you do. If you can think clearly you might do a lot better with establishing NC. Good luck!! It's the hardest step but you can do it and you will feel so much better.

I have to agree with the others. I went back and read part of your story and in my opinion you need to be done with your involvement with this person. He gives you the silent treatment. He showers you with affection and the pulls away. He has said he just wants to be friends. You are doing all the initiating. You are drinking. Just do it. Take a deep breath and end it. Block him from your life. You haven't been able to do this because you are addicted. The withdrawal will be painful and unbearable. Cling to this site. We will help you get through. The freedom and peace you will feel on the other side will be worth it. You'll have to take a hard look at your life, but you will not feel the crazies like you do with the narc. You must get away from this man and move forward to save your life. Maybe you can work it out with your husband, maybe you can't. Either way, you do not want this man in your life. We're here for you. Peace and hugs, Adoette

Block him and be done with it. You said it's "really hard not to reach out to him". Does he need you somehow? If he needed you, wouldn't he be the one contacting you first? Wouldn't you still be together? Generally we use the term "reaching out" for someone in need of help - homeless puppy, abused children needing a foster home etc. The reality of it is... if he is indeed a narcissist, all he needs is a little attention on his own terms... be it good or bad... and you're giving it to him already. By contacting him drunk... he knows you're batshit crazy over him and that's plenty for his fucked up ego. He has no use for you otherwise. I know that sounds so harsh... I'm sorry. I would kill for NC. I'm stuck with ex N at work...and he's a royal pain in the ass.

Everything you just wrote is all about him. How he feels, what you did to him… What about you? What are you accomplishing by contacting him? when you don't get what you are looking for it hurts. You need to take control of you. I know its not easy, look at it this way if contact were physical bruises would keep going back for more? I don't know maybe, I can tell this chick would not. I had three nasty D & D sessions. On the third try, I said, and I Quote "FUCK YOU, I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN" I, unlike them let my actions meet my words. It wasn't easy but I kept my word. No One will ever speak to me that way ever! I directed my contact to trying to figure out the creature that grew inside him. I spent and still do a lot of time here. I continue to do fun things and then all of a sudden a year has passed and I feel better. That is my punishment to him my silence and a fun life. Who needs him. Hunter

You definitely have to want to establish NC. I was at a similar place as you 5 months ago when I put NC into effect. It is not easy because he was my best friend, or so I thought....no true friend would treat you the way my ex Narc did. It gets easier with time, believe me. My ex still emails or texts me once in while but I delete delete delete. I used to reply back and ask him to not contact me but that usually gave him a chance to reply back some nasty and hurtful things. You can do it when you're ready.

The only one that can establish NC for you, is you. You need to stop looking for him on gmail. If that means changing to yahoo, aol, hotmail, etc. for starters. There are many things you can avoid doing in order to succeed at this. You have to want to first. AND there is no shame in not wanting to at first. No one does, and if they tell you differently, they are lying. This step, establishing NC is the absolute hardest as far as I am concerned..........staying with NC is hard also, you will slip, we all have and do.......... Think about the steps you can take to avoid him. Start planning what you should do in order to avaoid him. Like for instance, post notes all over your house reminding you NOT to log onto gmail looking for him to chat. Change your email, like I mentioned above. Reward yourself every night that you don't reach out to him..........it all sounds simple, almost silly, but they sometimes work. It is like kicking the habit, with cigarettes. You tell yourself over and over that you are going to do it. ****after this pack, next week, after that really great party coming up (can't drink and not smoke) on my birthday, on NY Eve, the putting off excuses are endless. You just have to finally DO IT.......and only you can. It saddens me to hear that you turn to drink for solace. And more now than ever. Try and work on that as well. And apply this rule to yourself...........NEVER DRINK AND DRIVE - NEVER DRINK AND TALK TO TH NARC.........neither one will have good results. Too many terrible things can happen. When you drink, you reach out, it's just a natural thing to do. Whenever I would drink, I would take my Ipad to my Mothers for the night so I wasn't tempted, because I KNEW I would write him the minute I got home after a night of drinking. Sounds silly but its the lengths I had to go to ensure NC. Good luck, if you need anything, please ask any of us, that's what we are here for!