Envy

18 posts / 0 new

#1 Oct 17 - 9PM

anonymous

Since this contect has provedn to be quite popluar, here's another topic from the book Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life.

“Envy is a secret, taboo emotion. People don’t talk about their envies (well my narc sure did!). Being envious makes us look bad. It is unseemly and embarrassing to openly admit that we want what someone else has… There is no one more envious than a narcissist. They covet the beauty, youth, sexual prowess and worldly power of competitors. They plot to get what they are determined to have, which belongs to someone else. Their envy is venomous. (Now I know why he targeted me – among other reasons is was the fact that I was married – he wanted someone who ‘belonged’ to someone else so he could gloat to himself about the conquest.)
Envy in the narcissist is skillfully hidden (maybe in a high level narc, but mine was pretty blatant about it and admitted it). Yet it burns his gut… This envy arises from a deep self-hatred. He hates those who love one another, knowing that he can never attain their state of commitment and devotion. He is confounded by human warmth, mutual dedication and affection. Unconsciously the narcissist knows that he doesn’t lead a meaningful life, that beneath it all he is a fraud.”

#2 Oct 18 - 8AM

chickon2

" He hates those who love

" He hates those who love one another, knowing that he can never attain their state of commitment and devotion. " Do they REALLY KNOW this? b/c all my EX psycho says is that he really wants to be married, he just hasn't found the perfect one.. He really wants to settle down...blah blah

#3 Oct 19 - 8AM (Reply to #15)

anonymous

Chickon - Quest for the "Perfect Woman"

is a common NPD trait. What they seek is a woman who is a reflection of the ideal they've built up in their heads about themselves. Think of the legend of Narcissus - which is really what this is all about. That's why they idealize their women at the beginning - they think they are THE ONE. Then, when the woman proves herself to be a separate, REAL person, not an image, that's when they start the devaluation. They are pissed at the woman because she's not who he thought she was - the image of his idealized self. Once the woman has been sufficiently degraded through devaluation, she is discarded. But in between are all sorts of trauma-bonding techniques (gaslighing, projection, mixed messages, betrayals and make-ups) all in a sick attempt to keep the woman hanging on string in case one day he wants her back for round 2, round 3, round 4, etc. It's only when the woman stays extremely strong through NC, which sends a big GOODBYE message to the narc, that he gains a grudging respect for her. But when a narc respects someone, he is fearful of them and that's when he finally leaves you alone. Because he knows he can't use you any more. And he looks for the next victim, who in the beginning, he hopes is the perfect woman. What he misses entriely is that there is no such thing as a perfect woman. He's trapped in that 14-year old boy Weird Science belief instead of a mature, adult view of women. Make sense?

#4 Oct 19 - 9AM (Reply to #17)

chickon2

This makes so much sense

It is EXACTLY how he was with me.. At the END he picked on everything, where as before I was "perfect". I am so happy you guys are letting me "in" on these details.. I have read quite a bit on this Narc, stuff but you guys are amazing.. It is really helping me see that NC is the ONLY way to go.. AFter he sent that vodoo email, accusing me of a spell (still shaking my head) I have been so wanting to email him and say.. ARE YOU NUTS? I really loved you, and would NEVER do anything to hurt anyone?? But it will fall on deaf ears.. AND just give him some Narc Supply I guess.. blech... Thank you Morty so much...

#5 Oct 19 - 8AM (Reply to #16)

tica

morty

so well said,I like how yo u explained in real terms..mine once told me about a friend of his who had the most "perfect, coolest wife" and how he hopes he can find that..I told him that I was sure he had found it many times and never knew it..it wasn't them, I said, "it's YOU!" he actually looked like he might be thinking about this statement..but then skipped off to go play with the boys...really I am seeing him as such a little boy today..just like a cute toddler..I think he had a little mommy issue going on there...he see-sawed from tough arrogant guy to cute cuddly boy..then when he was seeming to be so content, he would have to run out/disapppear..basically gain back his control..but NO MORE..I remain in control through NC and that self empowerment feel so good, this is how I remember myself being when I was in high school..confident and strong..played sports and took no crap from guys or clicky girls..and had a ball with both! 4 1/2 months NC and this is how I am feeling today..

#6 Oct 18 - 9AM (Reply to #9)

jen79

they hate even those who love them

Thats the weirdest part of all. They envy those who love each other, its so alien for him, maybe he is even condemning them, I am pretty sure of that. But the weirdest part of it, they want adulation from everyone, but those who really love them, they are the ones they hate most, and condemn most - for loving them, for what they want... Thats why you cant win the game, its a vicious cylce, no matter what, at the end you get abuse from them.

#7 Oct 18 - 9AM (Reply to #10)

jen79

I think the only time they

they think they experience love, is when they feel the loss of control, "love" is connected with "pain" within them. So if it pains, it must be love. I heard him saying that even once_ it has to pain, then I will decide (to be with you or not) - incredible sense of entitlement, emotional abuse, blame putting on me and distorted thinking all in one sentence. Voila narc narc menu.

#8 Oct 19 - 8AM (Reply to #13)

anonymous

Jen - Love is Pain

Yes, you are right. And the reason is because this is how their childhoods were (at least for most). Their parents taught them either intentionally or unintentionally that love is given only with strings attached. There is no pure, heartfelt love in them because that's not how their parents loved them. They only loved them if they reflected the parent's grandiose image of him/herself. It's telling that while we were together, my ex Narc never told me that he loved me. But after he told me that he didn't want to be with me romantically anymore, he said about the dumping, "I love you and that's what make this so hard" (e.g. painful). Love = pain.

#9 Oct 19 - 10AM (Reply to #14)

chickon2

Love =pain

In the email....he sent.. He said that his mom is the one that told him I did that voodoo shenanigan. (if that is true,) How do you lie to your son,like that? How do you manipulate ? like that/ Well I guess it was all he learned.... It is discusting... THank you so much eveybody.....

#10 Oct 19 - 8AM (Reply to #11)

michele115 (not verified)

Jen

You just shot a chill up my spine with your statement about them thinking love is pain and now I see MAJOR PROJECTION... When I was sending him email rants he said: That is why we are so good together you love the pain... ewwwww And I thought it was sick, and wondered what demon possessed him because he did a 180 from night to day and turned into a psycho overnight!

#11 Oct 19 - 8AM (Reply to #12)

Used

That is why we are so good

That is why we are so good together you love the pain... its them he love the pain, so they think you do for hanging in there, narc, actually liked to be abused, i got in a temper with him about something and swore at him and hit him.. we were in the street but i relized he had b/c aroused.. i said you are one sick pig.. and he said i know... love ,kindness they are alien to them, abuse and fighting are what they live for....all so f..king tireing. his trying to wind me up, to get a reaction was draining, he was telling me one day about a women we both know... how he had bumped into her and she was on him like flies round s;;t. inviting out blah blah..., but there was something about it that didnt ring true, i just couldnt put my finger on it. i left ,and texted him you might be in hell, but you are not taking me with you... yesterday i bumped into her and she said about a coffee, now this was 2years ago he told me.... i was telling her and she said thats not what happened and she told me her version. she had an appointment and so must he have at the doctors, thats where she saw him.. no she didnt ask him to have a meet, she went into her appointment...that was all... bottom line, he wanted to wind me up with her, so i would stop talking to her, he tried to alinate me from all my friends and family.... i so now see the light... who wants a man who only wants fighting and abuse?.... i dont

#12 Oct 18 - 9AM (Reply to #6)

michele115 (not verified)

Chickon

The Ex psycho probably says he wants to be married because doing so will give him the "image"... Remember, Marriage is actually an Institution of OWNERSHIP...so what better way than for the Narc to aquire an object? I don't agree with the insitution of marriage as a concept of ownership - but in the eyes of the law...that is what it boils down to...:( That's why it's really easy to get married and so hard to get divorced!

#13 Oct 18 - 12PM (Reply to #8)

chickon2

The Ex psycho probably says

The Ex psycho probably says he wants to be married because doing so will give him the "image"... Is that why he wore a fake wedding band when we went out on dates? starting on our 2nd date. AND he would twirl it around his finger and give me the *side eye* so that I could see what he was doing?

#14 Oct 18 - 12PM (Reply to #7)

chickon2

Oh

Ok I am trying to understand... The "cycle" is retarded.. I guess that is why he is talking about me behind my back? b/c I have not tried to contact him at all. B/c his "friends" still talk to me at class & he couldn't really find a fault with me, so he has made it up now that I tried voodoo on him to keep him? OK...............pass the wine...

#15 Oct 17 - 9PM

onwithmylife

morty

I love the last sentence, that deep down within himself, he knows he is a fraud and I often felt that was an apt description of my EXN and near the end I sensed he knew I was on to him, hence the hateful letters throwing all his projections at ME and not dare look within..it is chilling.......

#16 Oct 19 - 8AM (Reply to #4)

anonymous

On with My Life - Being On to Something

Yes - Similar with my ex narc. It's the whole I-don't-want-to-be-abandoned-so-I'm-going-to-preemptively-abandon-her-so-I'm-the-one-in-control thing. In my case, my daughter was the excuse, but the real reason is because he knows how empty he is inside, he knows he's miserable, he knows he's a fraud and he knows that he can be abusive. He also knows that I'm a 'smart chick' (one of my absolute favorite terms of endearment he used for me, NOT) and that I would figure this all out one day and dump him. So he struck first as a self-defense mechanism. His sole motivating driver in life is to shield his cold, manipulative heart from warmth.

#17 Oct 18 - 12AM (Reply to #2)

gettinbetter

yep

I think mine cant stand it that I belong to someone else. He has even referred to me as "his shit" Niiiiiiice

#18 Oct 18 - 6AM (Reply to #3)

MsVulcan500

His shit?

His shit? Really? Wow, you must feel so special. What an asshole.

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