enolia's story

Hi everyone, thanks Lisa for this website. I am so glad I found you...

My story is sad like all of us here...
I will be 39 in a few months, we had our first baby last December 2011. We married in May the same year...I guess I am here because I feel lost and would like to confirm whi my husband is and if will never change...

When I first met him, he seemed very demanding and he told me that he would like to be spoiled rotten by his future wife, he wanted to change my sleep behavior (reducing the number of hours from 7, 8 or 9 to 5 or 6 so that we spend more time together), for me it was a no no...Now he sleeps more than me! If I dare make the comment, he would smile and say it's all my fault and that I taught him laziness!

Very early, he started treating me of lazy in a "friendly way" and even though I asked him to stop, he never stopped so I thought it's tolerable especially that he treats himself and all his family the same way and so they do!

He also was very insecure, asking me to valid everything so that I wouldn't blame him afterwards for not doing something properly or for any reason...He would even inform me that he is going to the bathroom or anywhere if I need something...He would call everyday from work and would blame me if I don't do the same! He believes women are a source of trouble, very critical, never satisfied, screw up your mood...I know his mom and himself are like that!
He needs an infinite amount of tenderness, he would ask me to stroke his hair and that would make him sleep like a baby...He was very special because he was very caring and is still caring in some aspects...

He is a workaholic, he works regularly in home renovation and After he comes back home, he would find something else to do! During the 2 years we spent together, we had so many renovation projects (fence, deck, fountain, all sorts of flowers, hedge trees and now finishing the basement) he NEVER stops!
So he is caring in that aspect...He does the laundry all the time including folding the clothes, he takes care of garbage, all backyards related work, washes both our cars, changers their motor oil regularly (he would check million time to make sure we don't exceed the 4000K), he is always worried about the future and has many preventive measures to make sure million times about everything. I am very different, I focus on the essential things as I Don'T have energy for everything, life is stressful enough! So I am the calm, intellectual and deep analyzer while he is the nervous, stressed, impulsive...REally like a mama and her baby, don'T you think? I still find he is very responsible and does many things around the house and for him marriage is forever. Oh at our marriage celebration, he started crying, he blamed me after because I wasn't crying and he was! Well, even though I felt emotional, I just didn't cry like him. Another time, he saw a very old couple holding each other and he said he wishes we will be like them once old, still loving and supporting each other and again, he had tears in his eyes...So this is the bright side...

There were many signs of insensitivity towards me at many occasions, I will give you a few examples:

1) When I first informed him that I had a chronic disease (before getting married), he had a lot of hesitation (this part is fine) and he ended up telling me : I don't want to live alone if you die at some point!!! Can you imagine being cruel like this???? (Yes I still married him, I wanted to get married and have a baby!)

2) Very early in our common life, everytime we had an argument or fight for any reason, he would sleep in the friend'S room and gradually, he did set himself up over there, he put his calendar there, all the stuff that he uses at night before sleeping, his papers...And when mentions the rooms, he specifies, your room and my room! as if that is normality to have each our room!
I felt so hurt and expressed that to him in so many ways and so frequently, directly with tears, in emails, etc. Nothing was changing. We would have sex from time to time, once every month or or even 3!! Imagine we just married! I found out after that he was watching porn videos. I understand why he doesn't need me that much!

3) He always criticizes for my lack of urgency and would get into everything I do and would find something wrong. Please note here that I prepare his lunch every day and cook almost everyday plus all the house responsibilities and our 10 month baby.

4) He forgot my 1st birthday and our 1st marriage anniversary! But he sent a happy birthday to one of his ex-s the same year he forgot my birthday and that was also during a big trust crisis (that's another story)! He would bring our memories like our first date and starts crying and saying remember when we were loving each other!

5) He insults and blames continuously! He would treat me of stupid or some other synonyms even though he says I am the voice of reason of our family and I am the one who should plan our future, etc and that he is a donkey in those things! Yes he needs to be told what to do and he still finds a way to insult you when he is angry. I cried, I asked him to stop insulting, I sent him articles about verbal abuse and consequences on both my and baby...Nothing is changing. Last time we had a big fight, it was because I left something on the stairs and was thinking to taking them up at some point, he was carrying our baby and slipped on some hangers with the baby in his arms, he was ssso pissed and started insulting and insulting and even threatened to kill me if I don't get the stuff taken away by his return, our son was so scared and started crying...Since then, I am thinking, he is a sick person, more than I though! I understand his frustration especially for a safety thing but why threaten, why insult?

On top pf being a workaholic and unbalanced, he has some other issues: bruxism (grinds his teeth when he sleeps at night) and IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrom), not sure the IBS is related but everytime he is stressed out, he would feel a colon tension that makes take a sleeping pill that calms the tension over there and relaxes him...

Other than that, he has a Narcissist mother, I know I met with her and I read the definition, she wants him to go live in their house, he has to call every week, she is blaming and insulting to him, she punishes him whenever he doesn't agree on something, she would stop talking to him for months even though he was her golden boy! I forgot to say that he would disagree with her if needs to and would advice me not to give her too much info because she is controlling, and right now he is not too much motivated in living close to his parents because of that, they are very controlling.

He is not a consistent person though, after a fight, he would apologize and praise me for being so patient but would insult me again in 2 days, I believe he gets motivated only by his own needs. I have to say that when the couple ambiance is nice, which has now become very rare, he would be nice and interested in having sex and more intimacy. Is he an N?