Enforcing Boundaries

If I asked you what you think is the biggest problem in your abusive relationship, would you say the biggest problem is that there are no boundaries or limits? Well, if that's what you think, you'd be wrong.

You see, there are plenty of boundaries and limits in your relationship, and there always have been. The thing is, all the boundaries are one-way, and all the limits are on YOU.

- Are YOU free to voice your honest opinion, say whatever is on your mind, and do whatever you'd like to do? No? Well, your abuser is!

- Are YOU able to express your feelings of anger and upset, or to protest something you don't like? Of course not. But your abuser is!

- Can YOU let anything that pops into your head pop out of your mouth? No? Well, your abuser can!

- Do you have to think before you speak? Do you have to walk on eggshells? Why? Your abuser doesn't!

Your abuser never had the slightest problem making it crystal clear to you just how she expects to be treated. And that's exactly how you treated her. You wouldn't dare do anything else. But how come nobody ever has to pussyfoot around YOU?

See, there were boundaries and limits all along. Set by your abuser, on YOU and YOUR behavior. And without even realizing it, you've been simply toeing the line all this time, adjusting everything you do, say, think, and feel in order to pacify your abuser, without ever requiring anything in return.

Aren't you getting tired of always playing by somebody else's rules? Isn't it time for a two-way relationship with a little give-and-take? Are you ready to be an EQUAL player in this little game of dominance and control? Then maybe it's time to start having some requirements of your own, and to start setting some boundaries and limits of your own. In a balanced relationship, between equal adults, BOTH people share equally in setting the parameters.

And by the way, if you really want to know what the biggest problem is in your relationship, it's that the other person in your relationship is an ABUSER! Which means all bets are off. You can never expect anything normal and nice.

Sister, did you know that God gave you the right to refuse to allow others to abuse you? Do you understand that it is not sinful or un-Christianlike to refuse to allow yourself or your loved ones to be exposed to destructive behavior?

Does God actually want us to tell our [abuser] that they are WRONG? And that what they are doing is EVIL? God not only wants us to speak up, he pretty much ORDERS us to speak up –

When I say to the wicked,'O wicked man, you will surely die,' and you do not speak out to dissuade him from his ways, that wicked man will die for his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the wicked man to turn from his ways and he does not do so, he will die for his sin, but you will have saved yourself.....Ezekiel 33:8-9 NIV

Well, that seems pretty clear. But what if our relative won’t listen? Oh well, then he will have to suffer the consequences.

Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him. You may be sure that such a man is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned….Titus 3:10-11 NIV.

Better a poor but wise youth than an old but foolish king who no longer knows how to take warning....Ecclesiastes 4:13 NIV

Having been raised to be people pleasers, brainwashed into feeling unworthy of love, caring or consideration, and indoctrinated into sacrificing for our relatives while burying our own needs and feelings, we have precious little experience in setting limits on the behavior of others.

Defining our boundaries, protecting ourselves, informing our abusers what we will and will not tolerate, enforcing consequences for offensive behavior, and standing up to evil does not come naturally. At first, it feels very alien, and we find that we have to force ourselves to go beyond our comfort zone to do it. But in time, with some practice and the glorious grace of God, setting limits on our abusers will come more easily. And one day, it will be second nature, and we will be able to do it without feeling anxious or guilty.

Yes, our families made us feel unworthy of love and caring, but that’s just another one of the devil’s lies.

http://www.luke173ministries.org/