Endurance's Story

I grew up a sensitive child. Lisa calls it being an Empath. I was always concerned about others and wanted everyone to be ok.I call it the self sacrificing schema in me. I have a mother whose mother was a NPD. With a combination of her upbringing and her own anxiety, I dealt with a lot of criticism growing up. As a result, my self concept was negative and I felt I was not worthy of someone wonderful to be with. This was evident with the poor choice of boys in high school.

In college, family friends set me up with a pre-med student. He was charismatic and thought highly of himself. I felt important when I was with him. After 9 months, he broke up with me on my birthday. This was my first experience with a narcissist that set me up for a worse situation.

My feelingings of worthlessness came back and I felt no one would want me. I was on the rebound. A mutual friend introduced me to a guy in his fraternity a couple of weeks later. He smiled and seemed nice. I thought to myself that all I wanted was someone to treat me nice. I was very naive.

Within a few weeks, we were dating. I remember him saying to me, "I can't see this lasting more than 3 or 4 months." That comment should have been the first and last red flag. My norm was being dysfunctional so I did not see the warning signs flashing in my face.

We dated through college and "little incidents" would happen where he would say negative things and want to break up. I always thought it was a commitment issue. He would be out of "the mood" in a few weeks and things would be fine. He always thought he was the best at everything:intelligence, singing, and basically everything.I thought that is how successful people acted.

Right before graduation, a big incident happened that should have been a defining moment for me. I had stayed in my dorm room while my boyfriend went to a party. My boyfriend kissed a girl while he was there in front of many people. He was angry with himself (probably because he would be caught) and punched a window on his way to tell me what he had done. After he told me, he wanted me to clean his wound which I did. He said, "What will I tell my parents if we break up?" There was no concern for my feelings, only concern over how he would be perceived. This was another red and a missed opportunity to run for the hills.

Well after college, I married him just shy of my 23rd birthday. Things seemed ok except for the occasional argument and his "moods." Of course, his career was more important than mine. He could do my job in his sleep while his was very skilled. In my life, I was very competent and successful in my career, but seemed to be the doormat at home. The skills I used with other people would eventually carry over into self advocacy at home.

I had three children with this man. With every child, there seemed to be more jealousy and the more he would leave the house. The moods would increase and he would not speak to me for sometimes over a month. This is also the time I found his Eharmony account and the pornographic pictures he placed on the computers. Later, I would find out that my baby brother accidently found them on the computer when he was 17 but didn't know what to do so he kept quiet. When I confronted him about the items on the computer, he felt there was nothing wrong with what he was doing. I would leave the room in tears and be heartbroken. I would erase the pictures on the computer but others would always come back to replace them. One time out of anger, I replaced them all with pictures of his mother. I felt very empowered at that moment but of course his mood came back after noticing the change in venue.

I also tried to get him into therapy after an incident where he did not recognize my birthday. He said I was not worthy of being recognized. I actually saw a therapist because I was upset by the meanness of his actions. I still remember the therapist stating that I was in a domestic violence relationship even though I wasn't being hit.

It took 5 years to leave after being told the information and after the violence became physical. The most tragic issue is that I had to leave the state to start over and be safe. I fought hard for my children to be with me. The court wouldn't listen to the treatment of me and several other incidents directed at the kids. The exhusband was good at putting on a show and that is what he did. Even with the court mandating therapy for him,they felt the out of state issue was relevant. He has the children during the school year and holidays are split. I have them in the summer.

The kids are still upset about this. They ask me when their father will stop playing games or why they can't express their feelings in the house. They want more time with me. The good thing is that they have a nonNPD step father. Thank goodness I got it right this time. My husband talks to them, is empathetic, and problem solves with them. My oldest said he wished his father respected him like his stepfather.

I guess long story, short. I got out of a horrible pattern that established itself in my childhood. The tragic part is the fact that I could get out, but my kids could not. I am reminded by people that this is temporary and that it is more important that they see how a normal family functions.