Emptyheart's Story

Just sat waiting

I have, I'm ashamed to say, had a year long affair with a colleague who totaly lifted me off my feet and charmed and manipulated me for ayear and a half before that.
I won't go into my marriage details, there is no point.
I wiil thogu, admit, it has taken me this long to actually feel ashamed, that is becasue I have been manipulated.

It has been very intense, he has been the love of my life, my only reason for being, my perfect man in every way, but I now, like so many of you, know that none of it was real, adn i am devastated, I am a shell of my former self, outgoing, optimistic, intelligent, the life and soul of any party with a good social circle of friends,whom I now neglect.

At first he wanted to see me, talk to me, hold me, kiss me, every moment he could possibly muster. His texts were obsessive, he was obsessive, he would not leave my side, not for a moment.

I knew he got along well with the ladies, not becasue he was anything special to look at, but becasue he had that way about him,,,,,,charm.

We had an air of electricity between us, for such a long time before it finally happened, that first kiss, which totally knocked me off my feet!

He always seemed to be aroused, I dind't even need to look at him, and yet , when we tried to make love the first time, he could not sustain an erection. I put it down to nerves, he had always over idealised me, said he thought I was a goddess, and could not understand why I wanted HIM.

I reassured him, told him it would happen if it was meant to be.
The next time it was better, but he then could not lose his erection. I eventually found out he needed medication.

I started to notice things change around three months later, he was watching someone else, also at work, but I dismissed it becasue of his total adoration for me, he still never left my side.

Over the next few weeks I saw lots of red flags, he would be uncomfortable if she and I were in the same room together, his texts were sometimes different, different times, odd words, not the usual words he sent to me, which were always over the top, gushing in content, but I believed every word of it.

I was totally obsessed with him, and yet I knew something was not quite right. He was texting me throughout the day, professing his deep love for me, but he was not asking to see me, to get together, and in fact did say, "I wont be able to do this for a while, becasue of family commitments, but we can still talk on the phone and text"

I trusted him, I wondered if his wife was supicious but when I asked, he always said no, and so the confusion began.

He would manage to find an hour here and there, but always have an excuse to leave even when he could have stayed longer, like he was restless.

Then he stopped asking to see me, but still the texts kept coming, I was getting very confused, and when I asked, his answer was, I just don't see you enough,it's driving me mad,,, odd, he wasn't asking to see me!!

I didn't want to appear needy or desperate, so I waited for him, but looking back now, it was probably me who initiated those meetings, every time, he manipulated me into doing so.

Ihad noticed on occasions that he seemd to be quite attentive to another woman also at work, but ignored my pangs becasue his words were so convincing, he couldn't believe he had found the perfect woman, such a beautiful woman, and was totally in awe with me!!

Over the next few weeks he started once again to ask to see me, and so it went on, but I always felt uncomfortable around this other woman, he was uncomfotable when we were all in a room together.

I then noticed his times changing, on certain days he would text to see if I was at work yet, not the usual texts, no kisses just checking to see if I'm actually there.

I began to see a patttern to his texting times,and matched them all up to her schedule.

Eventaully I heard them together in a room next to me. I was stunned, even though I had seen the signs, I was totally frozen, devastated and I couldn't move.

I waited until I had left work, text him, asked him to see me later, and then confronted him.

His reaction was one of total denial, projected the fact that I couldn't even think it of him becasue I trusted him!! He went on to say she meant nothing to him, never, had,never would, I was the one he was in love with, it was really unbelievable, but yet here I was, being reeld back in by his total show of adoration fro me.

The next day, he only seemd to be bothered where this had all come from, it wasnt true, he would never do that to me, he clung to me like a little child who had lost his mother, he begged pleaded, fawned, and i caved in.

A week later I found he had been going through my personal things, my phone, etc, and had even given my colleague teh impression that he was checking for spy euipment because I was a crazy stalker!!

I comfronted him,and had all the same again, he woudl never do that to me, I should know that because I trusted him!!

He asked to see me every other day, he needed to know I was beliving him, I was okay and back to normal with him.

He then saiad he was going to move jobs, it would make things easier for US, I was pleased, I wanted him away from her,I was still seeing those knowing looks between them.

I had asked him to dlete my number form his phone which he did, but then within an hour, he was texting me again, with reams and reams of adoration and devotion to me, it was sickly really, but he kept on convincing me.

He has doen some cruel things to me, been totally oblivious to which one of us he is talking to, mixed us up, told me in a text that In looked lovely last night and was so gentle with him,,, when I hadn't seen him last night.

I have been going out of my mind, not eating, pining for him, not sleeping, wondering if he is just doign most of it to get a reaction from me.
Since he moved to his new job, his texts were the same for a few weeks, but he went through teh not asking to see me, just wanted to talk on the phone, ext me constantly, it was a pattern I had seen ealrier in the year.

In October, he asked if we could meet, go for a drive,I agreed,he drove me fifteen miles out of town to our usual place, in total darkness, and wehn we tried to make love, he lost his erection again, adn I thought, how cruel was that? to drive me all this way, give me false hopes when you knew it would hapen. When I aske dwhy he said he so wanted to make love to me without any medication, he wanted to try it.

I was left absolutely numb, I think now that he did that on purpose to make me walk away from him, but yet how could I walk away from a man I love because he has ED?? how could I when I'm trying to help him and trying to understand?

What is it wiht amna who has ED but gets his rocks off just looking at you??

He says I am the onmly woman who ever really knew and understood him, he can realte to me, confide in me, and it's this that hurts so much.

I asked to meet him, to him I knew something was not right, if he loved me he would want to see me, his answer was that he had other things going on. I asked him to stop texting, he said he couldn't he was obsessed with me, and still text me that night, It was devatating me, I was fighting for an answer, I wanted him to say something, but he just looked at me with a blank stare all the time.

The contact started again, but lessend to two or three texts a day, I felt he was trying to tell me it was over, but daren't say, I had asked him that if he ever got where he felt it was over, he had to say,be honest, and tell me outright. He always said he would.

I asked him to see me again before Christmas, he arranged a date, and I knew, just knew something would happen to stop it.

He then text me two days before saying his wife knew we were calling each other, he didn't know when he could next text me. He left me sat there waiting and worrying about it for two days!!

Then his texts started up again, the same as before, he missed me, loved me so much, was hurting because he wasn't seeing me, we made another meeting date, then two days before, he text again saying his wife was wanting to call me, she knows something is going on, again, he would text me when he couldHis wife has never called me, she knows where I wrok, she would have shown if this was true?

I'm left here sat waiting for his next text, not knowing if all this is true about his wife, or if it is just another game to make me panic,,,,,,,,,scare tactics??

I had texts on Christmas Eve saying, have a lovely Christmas, I love you so much, always and forever, it was enough to stop me pining over the holidays,but I never heard again for three days.
Then another asking if it's still okat to text me???/
I was polite back, but he still sent all the love you missing you.

I'm so confused, he won't meet, has made it so that I can't contact him, and I'm just sat in limbo.

I know what I need to do,my last text to him hinted that I knew he is contacting the other woman, he has not replied since, three days again.

I knnow I need to move on, I knnow I need to tell the jerk that he means nothing to me, even though i don't feel it.
Every time he doesn't text fro a couple of days it is torture, and then he comes back with tit bits.

It will be virtually impossible for me notto answer him, I have to have the last word.

Please ell me in big large letters what I have to do for my sanity.