The Email I will not send -- Feedback Please.

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#1 Feb 22 - 7PM
ForeverFreedom
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The Email I will not send -- Feedback Please.

One of the best ways to use this forum to to VENT HERE. Vent HERE and not out there in your life. You vent and express HERE what people out THERE, in your real life can not understand (and therefore have little patience for).

Also, come HERE and express what you desperately want to say to the N/P in your life. Don't tell the N/P and fuel them. Don't feed the monster.

So, I will post the email I will not send to my mother. In discovering that I was married to an N/P, I have also come to realize that my mother is also probably (likely) an Narcissist, Psychopath, Sociopath or something. I don't like thinking that she is. It makes me sick. Thomas Sheridan says that oftentimes women with the personality traits of a psychopath get labeled as Boderline Personality Disorder. That is a diagnosis that my friend gave my mother.

I have enough distance now where I can see the patterns of how my mother is an N/P. It makes me very sad. I'm healing. I'm much better off now than I was, but she still occupies more space in my head than I wish she did.

So, here's the email that I will not send. PLEASE feedback. Really. It's like I'm wearing blinders, or goggles that are mostly blacked out. I need help processing this. Even if it seems like I'm clear about it, I'm not. It's a fog.

My mother sent me a begging request that I have her in my life. My mother did something very hateful and psychopathic that caused great harm in my life. She and my ex-N-husband are allies. It's disgusting.

Here's what I will not send:

**********
I've thought a lot about your desire to see me and spend time with me.

It confuses me that you think there's a chance. You continue to create havoc in my life and the life of my child. Child says you badmouth everyone, including me. Do you not realize that you are torturing child? Please stop. Child says you started in x-grade, criticizing child’s teacher. Child loves her teacher still. Stop undermining Child. Stop undermining child’s relationship with me. Child says you talk bad about everyone, including our pet that you haven't ever seen. Child loves our pet. Why must you continue this behavior that has caused such harm? You continue the behavior of meddling and criticizing and saying whatever you please without thought of the harm it causes. Was the incident during the x-event not enough to make you rethink your ways? How much destruction did that cause? So much heartache and expense. The x-event sabotaged by your vicious gossip. I wonder if you did it on purpose. The fact that you continue association with my ex-N after he threw you under the bus -- that alone -- what should I think? I know what I'd think if you were not my mother, and just a friend. It would be clear and simple. But, you are my mother. I went out of my way to have you in my life. You wouldn't move to x-place, so I came here. I made sure I didn't move away for many reasons, one was to preserve your ability to spend time with my child. And then, you take it and destroy it.

My reaction to your threat of sabotaging the x-event was appropriate. And then you did it.

It has been very hard to process all of it. The way you constantly badmouthed everyone and everything in my life. Everything. I couldn't get you to stop. Yes, some of your assertions are true, but at this point I believe nothing that you say, or said. I do not believe any story about your family, or about my father, or about me. It's cruel of you to trouble my young age child with your monologues. Child says you talk on and on during car rides. Child is afraid to tell you to stop. Why would you trouble child with hateful stories? Child comes home from a delightful, sweet, fun vacation at my father's, where child is treated with love and kindness. And child has to listen to you rant how 'lazy' child’s grandfather is? After child spent a week in his immaculate house, where he cares for his family, has friends and works in his garden? I'm sorry, there's nothing lazy about my father. Nothing.

The last time we spoke you went off about how horrible he is and how unfortunate it is that I am half him. Thank God I am half him. Thank God.

You have treated me with hatred. You have done NOTHING to repair it. There is no apology. There is no acceptance of the true damage you have done, to me, to my child, to my life. You write to me, wanting to know if I'm okay, and I think to myself -- She's on an info-seeking mission for my ex-N. I have to wonder if you are his spy. You have lied to my face over and over. You continue to act as ex-N’s agent. He sends me emails about how you run around for him. He tells you lies and you rush to action. I think about forwarding his emails to you, but then, why bother? I've done this before, and it changes nothing. You continue to side with him. You spend time with him, his family, his wife. Why. Why would you choose him. After everything you said about him, and them, over the years. I couldn't get you to be quiet.

So, there are two triangles going on -- and you are in both of them. I want out. Which is why I can have no relationship with you.

First triangle is My Ex-N - You - Me.

Ex-N feeds you information and you act against me, wrongly. Last year when ex-N sent you to (Another Sabotaging Event). I heard about it. I have a lot of friends. This fall, I think he told you that I was trying to (Insert Mess of Lies Here) - he says you and x-person went to talk to (Authority Figure) about me. I never say a word about you or anyone else to x-N. He says that you were ready to take legal action against me over (Insert ridiculous lie here). What? OMG. He constantly lies when he emails me. I ignore him. He uses you to try to upset me. It's insane. Worse than that is the fact that you talk to my ex-N at all.

And here's the bottom line. No one can understand how on earth you could do what you did, and what you have done to me. There is only one sane and normal choice: that you stand behind your child no matter what. The only choice you have ever had is to support me in my divorce. You have broken the code, again and again. You broke the code during my marriage by aligning with ex-N, gossiping about me. I had no idea. I loved you and trusted you. I figured HE was the liar. It was both of you. You two are a pair. But, between you two, he is the winner. He pulls your strings.

I don't know why you did it. I don't know why you DO it. I don't know how on earth you expect me to trust you or talk to you or have you in my life in any way. I fully expect that you will continue your hateful talk to anyone who will listen. I expect that you will take no responsibility for what you have done, or for changing your behavior. I expect that if there is another x-event you will plant yourself firmly in the center of it again, a puppet for my ex-N to use. Perhaps you like it. You were always saying how I hated you, which wasn't true, it still isn't true. I think perhaps that you hate me. The evidence suggests you do.

It's so weird. I wanted you to be a part of my life always.

It's supposed to be like this: You are in my life. (insert nice description of the way things are supposed to be, and used to be) Why did you destroy it? Why have you not done anything to fix it. You choose my ex-N. You have him in your home. You spent the whole day with him and his family on (important holiday). It's a shame you couldn't figure out how to get along so nicely when I was married to him. It seems like you see my child for a few hours a month if you are lucky. You used to be a daily part of our lives.

Second triangle is Child – YOU - Me.

Child comes home and tells me about the hateful things you say. About how you hurt child’s feelings. You rant to child about how horrible everything and everyone is, including: (insert long list of specifics). I tell child the destructive nature of gossip, explain to child what 'triangulation' is, how I don't participate in gossip or triangulation, how child needs to stand up to you to get you to STOP gossiping to child. I explain to child how absurd it is for you to have any opinion about a pet you've never met, how your opinion of my father is wrong on so many levels.

You have caused so much damage. You have done some version of this for my entire life. You have created this type of drama over and over. I'm done. I'm sorry to say it, I don’t want to say it, but I have to say it: I am done. I have to be done. I let you back into my life, and what do you do next? I am not going to listen to you badmouth my pet, my kid, my friends, my home, my choices, my career, my boyfriend. No. We are done with that.

I love my life, and I love my child, and I will not risk having you destroy what I have.

Feb 23 - 6AM
Garden
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After the exN abuse, during

Feb 24 - 1PM (Reply to #18)
ForeverFreedom
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thanks - i keep ruminating over it

Feb 22 - 8PM
ForeverFreedom
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No way would I actually send that ranting email

Feb 24 - 1PM (Reply to #13)
talktothehand
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Foreverfreedom

Feb 24 - 2PM (Reply to #14)
ForeverFreedom
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My mother is exN's go to childcare

Feb 24 - 3PM (Reply to #15)
talktothehand
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Foreverfreedom

Feb 24 - 4PM (Reply to #16)
ForeverFreedom
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I have essentially zero contact

Feb 22 - 8PM
leslieisback
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My mom was just the opposite.

Feb 22 - 8PM (Reply to #8)
ForeverFreedom
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my mom did the love/hate

Feb 22 - 8PM (Reply to #9)
leslieisback
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EWWW

Feb 22 - 9PM (Reply to #10)
ForeverFreedom
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Thanks.

Feb 22 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
leslieisback
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I will listen if you ever

Feb 22 - 7PM
Walkingonsunshine
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If mother is a narcissist ,

Feb 22 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
ForeverFreedom
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Looking back I think my mother had his number because she is one

Feb 22 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
ForeverFreedom
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Thank you so much, Walkingonsunshine

Feb 24 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
Dragonlady
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NC for me

Feb 24 - 6PM (Reply to #5)
ForeverFreedom
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Dragonlady!

Feb 24 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
leslieisback
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Dragonlady