Duped by Dick
Duped by Dick
I thank God that I stumbled upon this sight. I have felt comforted and supported, simply by reading your stories and posts ~ thank you. I did two days in a row of NC and I was feeling better. The last three days I have looked on his fb account ~ I guessed the password ~ it's my nickname. He's predictable. I started NC again this afternoon. One minute at a time.
Eight years with him until a month ago when I saw a car in his driveway. Was going to stop by and talk with him one early morn. He's an early riser. We would often have coffee together. I was going to stop by because I had been emailing, texting and fb messaging him with some questions about my business financials. He is a loan officer at a bank in town. I got my business loan through him. Now that I have read about narcissists, I believe I was shmoozed and used. His bank is making good money off of me/my loan. From the beginning of our relationship, he would get back to me immediately. He messaged me obsessively. Lovebombing me to the max! I found it a bit odd that I wasn't hearing back from him. He did write back a few times. But they were shmoozy greetings ~ "You look beautiful" (regarding a fb pic). Not answers to my questions.
Oh my! Feelings are pulsing as I write this ~ anger, hurt, resentment, bitterness. Relief and gratitude are in there somewhere, as well.
A part of me was happy for Rick. Not hearing back from him neither quickly nor frequently meant he was doing his life. Which is what I encouraged him to do three years ago when I told him I was staying in my marriage and with my family. That I loved my husband and I knew that's where I was supposed to be. I told him that if we were supposed to be together forever, we'll know. But I knew we weren't at that time. Because we came together when we were both drinking drunkenly, and our relationship was an affair. Both of us were married. Neither of us was "available".
The other part of me was grieving. Because I loved him and he was my best friend. We could talk for hours. We laughed and joked. I felt happier when I would spend time with him. And I was used to him being at my beck and call, more or less. He filled the gaps perfectly ~ gaps that were empty in my marriage. He "fed me" emotionally and physically (non-sexual. just being present, listening, engaging in conversation.). I had been depressed in my marriage for many years. I went to counseling, attended my 12 step meetings, talked with sponsors, prayed, etc. I shared my thoughts and feelings with him ~ "when you do blank, I feel blank." Etc. He would listen sort of, and say he would be more present, not work as many hours, turn off his pager for at least an hour when we were on a "date". After one day, he would fall back into himself.
I had been sober 18 years. I never thought of having a sip of alcohol. Never missed it. Then one day about ten years ago, I heard a little voice say, "You can have a drink. You're not alcoholic." I was 23 when I sobered up. Young. I let myself believe I could drink. The first year I had fun sipping wine. All kinds. The second year of my "back to drinking", I drank to numb. To escape. I had a lot of fun when I was out drinking. He would be out also. We live in a small town. He and my husband used to play basketball together, many years ago. He was our personal banker for several years. Until he went to work for a different bank. I saw him as shy and quiet. He would rarely make eye contact. I thought he was cute. I never thought of him romantically nor longingly until the last year or so before I started drinking again. I had a crush on him. I felt sorry for him. His wife was in horrible shape ~ anorexic, so dark from fake-baking that she looked wrinkly and abnormal. She was missing a bunch of teeth, probably from the purging. At one time she was cute and successful. She owned her own business. Several years ago she didn't have her business any more. Rumor was she was snorting cocaine, that she was introduced to by someone who worked for her. Rumor said she lost the business. Today I believe she was miserable because he was sucking all of the life out of her. People felt sorry for him. She was the "problem", the "sick one." He was the "perfect guy" and so incredible for staying with her.
One night of drinking I had the liquid courage to ask Rick if he "thought I was cute?", like a grade school girl. He said Yes. And thus the affair began.
His wife was gone for a year, living in another state with their daughter for school reasons and to get in-state tuition the next year when she went to college. I had the thought that women would be throwing themselves at him since wife was gone. I thought no one was going to have him if I can't have him. So I went after him. He left his door unlocked. After an evening of being out with my girlfriend, I would wait outside his house until he got home from drinking. This went on for quite a while. Finally, one thing led to another and we were in deep.
My story is similar to Goldie's. Almost identical. The lovebombing. The compliments. I felt beautiful and sexy with him. He was always there to help me with everything. He was perfect. Which was my first red flag. I knew if something/one is perfect and too good to be true, it usually is. But I had been starving emotionally and for non-sexual touch for so long. He satiated my intimate relationship drought.
Hundreds of emails. All day, every day. We became close quickly. I was his soulmate. Yada, Yada, Yada. I sobered up about a year and a half into the affair. By that time, I was in deep and didn't want out. However I knew our relationship wasn't based in reality because we were drunk when it began.