Dropping their Mask

It was about 4 months into the relationship when my exN began to loosen the mask after discovering (in his words) "I didn't realize you were so needy" because it disappointed me one night that he was pulling away expectantly. The mask didn't fall completely away until we went on a trip about a month later. That was when he began dropping the mask for an hour or two here or there then it would go back on and he'd be 'normal' again. Every day while we were away I would think at some point I had to end it with him when we returned home, but then he'd put it back on and be all loving again. (How I wish now I had ended it then) After that trip the mask was mostly on but would come off unexpectedly (usually only when I wanted or needed anything from him which required any emotional reciprocity). He'd tell me I shouldn't have so many expectations or try to 'change' him. He was often angry and the meanest while actually sleeping - pushing me away in the bed (shoving really), snapping at me if I woke him accidentally - to the point where I became afraid of disturbing him. If I pointed this reaction of his out he would deny having any memory or knowledge that he was doing it (with the excuse that he was sleeping, so it wasn't intentional and how could he know). Once he was fully awake he was usually fine and I didn't realize then that when he was asleep I was seeing the real him without the mask. Looking back, it explains so much.

but the Bully was the real him there was a sexual part of him apparently I didnt know it's only happened at the end when it had to be put right in my face I see I am gullable I believe what people tell me I believe people are good but he showed me that we will encounter these kind of people in out life and it's up to us to learn to desern who they are such as the flowers the EX loved to bring me in the beginning he flowered me like crazy and he did it in the end too it was his only go to gesture it was camoflouge to disguise his true nature It was up to me to learn to see through it and I am glad I did but it did not happen over night and in fact his nature is still being revealed to me

Simple: Effort Or maybe "weight" might be a more appropriate word. Basically, imagine for a second you're an actor who never, ever gets a break and has to keep acting CONSTANTLY. Sooner or later, you're going to tire and your real self if going to pop up. Ultimately the mask drops because it's too difficult to live a lie forever more.

mine never took his mask off...........however, I exposed him. He wants nothing to do with me and I want nothing to do with him. I am sure I will hear from him again eventually, but as far as I am concerned, it is long over. I am on this site to rebuild, understand, and get answers...... Interesting that you say he never gave you gifts. mine never did either. My birthday, Christmas, Valentines Day...nothing. I gave him many.

I actually started seeing signs right from the beginning but chose to ignore them. He started to "objectify" me and I knew something was off. I think that they can't keep the mask on for very long...after all, that isn't who they are...and their REAL self starts to come through as if to say "So you THOUGHT that was the man you were with..well SURPRISE". I think the more energy they put into having to act to obtain/secure you=the more cruel they are when the show their true selves.

The night he proposed it started!!! His mask dropped that night! He proposed in a very matter of fact, this is what I have to do fashion ( I was 5 1/2 months pregnant). In the car ride on the way home he teased me and got quite mean, I didn't pull him up on it because well he has just proposed hadnt he? I couldnt tell him off even though his behaviour was completely inappropriate. The mask really came off when my baby boy came into the world. When the N realised that he wasnt number one in my eyes anymore all hell broke loose... His behaviour just got worse and worse. He even told me he didn't lIke our baby because he was too hard.. Sick!

Good question Ruby01. Mine was wishy washy from the start but never cruel...until about 7 months into the relationship, he started to act like he didn't want a relationship. We ended up doing some travelling together and one night I got a bit drunk with some new travel buddies. We were all having fun and so was he and then out of nowhere he stormed up to me and said "you're fucking embarrassing me" when I was dancing. That's when the abuse started. He kept his mask on for a long time, but he could do that by acting distant and aloof and never really spending a lot of time with me. It wasn't until we had to spend every day together travelling did I really see the other side of him. I think that is why I put up with it, because travelling I had no one to turn to, no one to talk to. I knew something was very wrong with him but I was in a strange country on my own, and had no one to listen to me and tell me it was wrong. I think this is why I got caught in the trap because I had to keep silent about it.

Mine began to disenegrate as I got closer to him and the truth. The last 10 weeks, I was completely on to him and called him on everything. I watched him decompose right before my eyes. He reached the point where his mask was completely down and there was no pretense left. I knew then that he had to go. He took 3 weeks to pull himself back together, gather new supply, new authority figures, a new false persona and off he was. The last time I saw him I did not even recognize who he was, which was great because I had no feelings for a stranger. God bless, Goldie

When I said ''I love you.'' He told me early on...''You're so gonna fall in love with me, dee.'' *eye roll* Who says that? A third grader to another third grader, after sharing a cupcake? Bleck. Anyways...once I said those three words...he gradually started to change. Became more demanding. Controlling. Angry over everything I did. But, it wasn't overnight. The true abuse happened like in month two...so for about a month, he was horrid. But, it was a gradual spiraling downward. He's on a dating website now, and saw his profile. lol It was the worst thing I've ever seen. Negative. Angry. I thought, what girl would purposely date a narc? lol It was a narc's profile. Like he put no effort into it...just was like...''I'm a dick, and if you wanna date me, give me a call.''

I think they are lazy yes, and you no longer give them rich supply they want more and more just like a kid in a toy shop when they get discovered as they inevitably do, they turn nasty on you and try to question your sanity. They never question themselves or their motives.

I firmly believe it happens when they get comfortable in their source of supply. Anyone who has read my recent posts knows I've been "observing" the xN with his new source of supply and have gotten a unique insight into the N's hoovering and manipulating ways by being brought into the middle of his attempts to win her over, with me on the side as a "friend". They are so attentive and invested in the beginning because they're busy trying to figure you out and make you fall for them. They are hard at work scheming- they are on their toes. Once you've given them enough signals that you're in it for the long haul or that you care enough about him to give it a fighting chance, all bets are off. When they no longer have to TRY to keep you interested in them, their work is over and they no longer bother trying to play Narc Theater.

I had a long relationship with mine in the past. I went back believing he love me. We never fought, we always got along great. The last time I saw him I spent a week with him. We got very close. Even when I left he love seemed so strong and real. I have to think it was. The relationship I had with him then and now was always easy. He's had a shitty life and a crazy Narc mother. I think if he gets too close he's afraid of losing love again. To defend himself from losing love,he went down the D &D road. Gee , I ve given him too much credit. He is nuts, a psychopath and I don't even think he knows how to feel or love. I know he used to. :( I hope that helps. Hunter