Dos and Don'ts When Dealing with Narcissists

Top 10 "DON'Ts"

1. Don't ignore warning signs

If someone attempts or threatens harm to yourself, your children, to themselves or to others take immediate action to remove yourself from the situation, call the police and put the experts in charge. Don't ignore warning signs.

2. Don't ignore the personality disorder

One over-riding principle that we must bear in mind when it comes to supporting or coping with a loved-one or family member who suffers from a personality disorder is that the "normal rules" of relationships or logic, do not apply. Personality Disorders are illnesses, and those who suffer from them are prone to being inconsistent, not logical, unpredictable, self destructive etc.

Therefore what "works" in a typical relationship may not necessarily "work" when dealing with a person who has a personality disorder. We need to study a different play book, politely ignore the well-meaning advice of people who have no experience with disorders and stop comparing our situation to those of people who are unaffected by someone's personality disorder the way we are.

3. Don't keep searching for a cure

Many people are looking for answers to explain the way someone is treating them and to tell them how to make things better. However, at this time there is no known cure for personality disorders. We encourage you to explore them with the help of a qualified mental health professional. But we also encourage you to let go of any false hope that you will find a magic pill or strategy that will immediately make all of the problems go away. This kind of approach will usually lead to disappointment.

4. Set and Maintain Personal Boundaries

Many of us Non-PD's have taken a beating for years and over time we can forget what it means or feels like to be in a healthy relationship. We may interpret popular ideas such as "unconditional love", "loyalty", "taking the high ground", "turning the other check" or "till death do us part" to mean that we should give everything we have to give in relationships and expect nothing in return. That is not the foundation of a healthy relationship but of a dysfunctional relationship.

That is not love - it is the grown-up equivalent of spoiling a child and will ultimately lead to tragedy. The antidote to allowing people to walk all over you is to set and maintain personal boundaries.

5. Don't go it alone

Isolation is one of the most popular control strategies in the abusive person's playbook because it is one of the most effective. It is a variant of the classic "divide and conquer" approach. When one person mistreats another person, they will very often try to isolate that person by controlling their access to resources, other people, friends, family, social groups etc.

If you are in a situation where you are being isolated, or someone else is controlling when you can go out and who you can spend time with you must recognize that isolation is a form of emotional abuse which it is not healthy for you to tolerate. Everybody needs support from wherever they can get it including friends, family, outside groups and interests and it is not unreasonable for you to want that - especially if the person with whom you are closest has a personality disorder.

6. Don't get your hopes up at the first signs of improvement.

It is extremely common for people who suffer from personality disorders to go through drastic mood swings and changes in behavior. It is just as common for the people on the receiving end - Non-PD's to get their hopes up during the up's and take it as a good sign that things are getting better. The Personality disordered person may truly believe that they have changed - but they can't really tell until some time has gone by. This can lead Non's very vulnerable to Hoovering and disappointment.

In general it is not a good idea to look at a few days or even a few weeks behavior as evidence of any recovery. Average someone's behavior over a YEAR or TWO and you will get a much more accurate picture.

7. Don't work for approval

If you are living with someone who suffers from a personality disorder, their actions, words and moods will go up and down with their feelings; or lack of them. If you are looking to them for approval for your own actions, you will receive very mixed messages from them about what they want,what they think of you , what they like and dislike and what kind of person they think you are. Sometimes they will give you a glowing report and sometimes they will shoot you down.

This can be extremely difficult to live with and it means you are going to have to take your self-evaluation elsewhere - perhaps to a trusted friend, family member or therapist, perhaps in your own mind. You need feedback that is objective and stable and based on truth and you are not likely to get that from a person with a personality disorder. Therefore don't judge your performance by the approval rating of the personality disordered individual in your life. Do what is right - not what is popular with them.

8. Don't have a baby!

If you suspect you are in a relationship with a person who suffers from a personality disorder, you should think long and hard before bringing a child into the mix. A volatile temper and a malignant kind of 'love' is no place to grow healthy children. A large majority of relationships involving at least one person with a personality disorder end in separation or divorce.

9. Don't keep a gun in the house!

Or anything else that is likely to make a volatile situation worse.

10. Don't leave your valuables in temptation's way

You might want to consider separate bank accounts, secure passwords and keeping irreplaceable items out of the house.
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Top "DO's"

1. Put children first

Whether you're committed to staying or getting a divorce. Whether you are dealing with a parent, grandparent or sibling. No matter what your situation it is always good policy to put the needs of minor children first. They don't have the tools - or the legal right - to get out of a bad situation by themselves so they are dependent on the mentally healthy adults in their lives to do it for them.

If you are divorced or getting a divorce and involved in a custody dispute, this is especially true.

2. Protect yourself

If you find yourself in any kind of situation which involves violence or threats of violence towards people and property (including self-harm or threats of suicide) you should immediately call the police and get the professionals to do their job.

3. Educate yourself!

Learn all you can by reading about Personality Disorders, Common Behaviors and learn the lingo. Read real stories of other victims and Books.

4. Accept your situation

This takes time but the sooner you can accept the reality of the mental illness in a loved one and move from thinking about the way things should be to thinking about the way things really are the sooner you can start making better choices for yourself, your kids and ultimately for the personality disordered person in your life.

5. Get Help!

Surround yourself with as much stable and reliable support as you can muster. Join A Support Group. Go to therapy ASAP!

6. Work on Yourself - Pursue your dreams!

When you spend so much tie and energy worrying about a loved one it can be very easy to neglect your own needs. This can lead to depression. We encourage you to consider your own needs just as highly as any loved-one or family member who has a personality disorder.

7. Take the Long Term View

Living or dealing with a person who has a personality disorder can be a volatile struggle full of ups an downs. We encourage you to take the long view in your decisions, so that you are not thrown off course by the passing storms.