Does he have NPD ..

12 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 15 - 11PM

a girl

Does he have NPD ..

.. or do I just want an "excuse" for his behaviour?

I'll try to just hit the highlights.

My STBX of 9 years told me in April I was the love of his life, in May that we didn't have sex enough and he wasn't sure he wanted to be married, in June he wanted a divorce and in July I discovered he'd been having an online affair since May. Now he's in talks with her about marriage (she left her husband and 2 kids for him, they live 2500 miles apart and have met once).

We spent May - July in counseling where he spent the entire time discussing all the things I'd done "wrong" that made him stop loving me - not enough sex, wasn't affectionate enough, destroyed his ego and self-esteem because I didn't "want" him (he went from 210lbs to 350lbs during our marriage, btw), etc.

6 months after our son was born, I had to have a medically required abortion. He took me to the appointment and then asked "Do you need me to stay? I have some meetings."
Shortly after this, he began an online flirtation - I discovered it and he ended it.
2 years ago, began an online affair because I
worked too much" and he "felt neglected and unsexy". Ended it once she pressured him for more.
Would show up 10-30 minutes late to pick up my son and I after work, leaving us waiting in the winter rain. Claimed "I got stuck getting out of the office and didn't want to delay getting to you to call and tell you".
When asked to do something (take the laundry upstairs), would agree, ignore repeated reminders, then get upset when I did it myself. Told me I should "make" him do it.
Informed me that even when I did have sex with him, it was "boring" and "too vanilla".
Christmas 2 years ago, bought me no presents and didn't mention it. When I asked about it, said "Oh, right. I got you that cool brownie pan".
Left his previous GF for someone else he'd known for 4 weeks, got back together with GF. Left her for me after knowing me 6 weeks (I discovered this much later), previously mentioned flirtation and then affair on me, leading to the marriage ending affair.
When confronted with his affair, said, "I didn't consider it cheating because to me, our relationship was over." Further said, "I honestly didn't think you'd ever find out."
Tells people he graduated from CalTech, when he in fact failed out sophmore year and graduated from a state college.
Exaggerates his accomplishments, or takes sole credit for "group" efforts.

In reading about NPD, he has enough qualities to make me go "Hm" but not enough to make me go "Aha!" Thoughts, opinions?

(Sorry, posted in the wrong forum the first time!)

#2 Sep 17 - 6PM

juliamarie

Sounds textbook to me

My diagnosis is an emphatic YES!!

#3 Sep 17 - 2PM

Scoop

OMG this could be the post

OMG this could be the poster guy for NPD , When caught out on cheating on you on line he blames you , that behaviour is a huge red flag , any man that blames you for his wrong doing is classic narc behaviour . He critizes you duing sex , another red flag , sex is not an olympic spot where your performace is judged . No present at christmas and no empathy when you needed him .. Sounds like a narc to me , although we may never know for sure as narcs rairly get a professional diagnosis because they dont go for help we have to settel for how they act for our answers . i think you are in the right place . Big love Scoop x

#4 Sep 17 - 1PM

a girl

Something else I just

Something else I just realised is that one of the indicators, allegedly, of NPD/PD is a concern that you're going to leave them. Initially I thought, well, no, he did have that, in fact, he left me. But then I remembered that in a large percentage of our "discussions" (because we never had "fights"), when I would express unhappiness (usually at his broken promises or ignoring of me), he would become agitated and tell me he was so scared that he just made me too unhappy, could never make me happy, and one day I would get tired of it and leave him. So I'm adding that to the list.

#5 Sep 17 - 4PM (Reply to #9)

Journey

YES! add this to the list!!

It is another way of fulfilling that NPD trait and mine did the exact same thing! When he'd say those things to me I was so confused because I'd only ever wanted to be with him, yet HE knew I really would be happier with someone else who wasn't disordered. When he dumped me it was over something unrelated, but happened the week after a cute guy had shown me some attention at a social event (which I innocently enjoyed after being in the throes of devaluation during what would be remembered as the final D&D). Nothing happened with the fellow, but narc accused me of flirting, denied being jealous or angry about it, yet made it clear he thought I was acting out of line for "leading the guy on" - "even if I didn't realize that was what I was doing". According to N, he suspected I'd told him that I was unhappy in our relationship - wtf?!! It was so weird to me that he'd think I'd actually tell this to a guy I barely knew, that I'd even be interested in exploring a new romance because I was unhappy with my N and wanted to escape into the arms of someone else - NOT! THAT is what NARCS do! He dumped me a week later. And, he just 'happened' to already have fresh supply he'd been pruning on the sidelines, waiting for the opportunity to have me replaced as his daily supply source. He KNEW the direction he'd been taking our relationship by his control and manipulation and had ALWAYS planned on being the one to get out first! Narc, Narc, Narc!!

Journey on...

#6 Sep 16 - 12PM

a girl

Did some more reading - found

Did some more reading - found a lot of more granular traits that he definitely has. I'm pretty convinced at this point. My biggest concern is that we have a 7-year old son together, and I see him already abandoning him in favour of his OW - he's missing 3 of his 6 visitation days in the next 2 weeks so he can be out of town visiting her, and has more trips planned for next month. I obviously failed to protect myself from him, but how do I heal from the betrayal and protect my son?

#7 Sep 17 - 4PM (Reply to #6)

HeatherWho

NC with kids?! HOW?

I'm not on here often, but when I am I do a lot of searching. I haven't had much success in finding a story that involves children-whether it's biological or blended. THANK YOU! My divorce is still pending. My attorney wants to withdraw because I'm refusing to pay him more than the several thousands I already have-we haven't even been to mediation yet?! Not sure what I'm going to do then. That's probably a whole other website! ;) I was divorced before and have beautiful children who have a very involved/supportive dad. It was smooth and fair. THIS however has been, and still is, a NIGHTMARE! If not for that experience, I'm not sure I'd be making it through this one! Our son is not even in school yet. NARC doesn't know how good he has it. The fact that I understand what's happening, what's required, how to be cooperative for the child's sake, etc. He, of course, doesn't see that I'm trying at all. He spent ALL of my and my children's savings! Of course I let it happen with empty promises and lies! He makes good money too! I hope all is well with you and your son. The whole NC (no contact) thing is impossible with children! It's sad for the entire family, including extended-who of course don't speak to me. Their loss! His too! Embrace the time he's losing with your son. I know it's hard when you're expecting some "you time" and you have to explain it to your son, but trust me it's so worth it! Simply tell him his dad can't make it. You're not sure why. And spend time together. His relationship with his father is going to be what it is despite your greatest efforts. Unless there is abuse (we know there is of a mental kind) let him find out for himself who his dad is. It may take him until he's married and has a family, but he will find out! The more time you spend with your son, the better man he'll be. Is he involved in Boy Scouts, sports, music? My other children have all had a great support group of friends and I think that is so important! How long have you been divorced? What state do you live in? If you aren't comfortable answering, I totally understand. Best wishes for a long and happy life!

#8 Sep 17 - 6PM (Reply to #7)

a girl

I agree - NC with kids is

I agree - NC with kids is very difficult, especially if he uses questions about the kids to contact you. Mine is currently arguing over visitation because he wants a schedule that most easily allows him to take off for long weekends and fly down to meet his adulteress - while still maintaining is "good father" facade - whereas I want a schedule that lets our son see each of us as close to 'every day' as possible. In doing research, everything I've read says to be assertive but not aggressive. And I'm fortunate to live in a state that strongly favours the mother, so taking me to court is likely to land him with *less* time than he wants, so hopefully he gets that.

#9 Sep 16 - 7AM

Hunter

Could be a narc or just an

Could be a narc or just an asshole, either one works! Sounds to me like there is a lot of damage! Do what's best for you! Hunter

#10 Sep 16 - 3AM

prettypeeved

Definitely sounds like a narc

Definitely sounds like a narc to me. In your post there's the classic I-don't-want-to-take-responsibility-for-my-actions attitude, the I-don't-care-about-your-emotional-wellbeing, the frantic rush from one relationship to another, the boredom at his empty life, the desire to be "special" and the lying to make himself something that he's not in order to gain acceptance. Either way, he's treated you like crap and you should find someone better.

#11 Sep 16 - 12AM

Pride and Shame

I think you pretty much nailed it!

Welcome to the group! Keep thinking about times where he made you feel badly and why, find the checklist for narcissist/psychopath on the internet, read our stories... I think you will find many AHA moments. I think you're in the right place. Too much blame of you for all the problems, lack of respect, lack of caring, other women, lying, entitlement.... repeatedly. That's not how normal, honest, good men treat their partners.

#12 Sep 16 - 3AM (Reply to #2)

a girl

Another interesting thing I

Another interesting thing I noted in many of the articles I read was that the NPD sort doesn't follow rules - which manifests in reckless driving, speeding, attempting to cut ahead in lines, etc - all classic sore points between STBX and I. The more I read the more I think, "Yeah ..."

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews