Do you remember Denial phase?

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#1 Apr 28 - 6AM

rew72

Do you remember Denial phase?

After four years, I finally believe that he has NPD. However, I continue to question that all of this was real and that he actually did the things that he did. Still struggling that it wasn't my fault.

Started NC yesterday. Do you remember this time and how did you wrap your mind around the fact that it was very real and accept it wasn't you?

#2 Apr 29 - 1AM

michele115 (not verified)

rev72

I had to re-brainwash myself, this took ALOT of time and repitition over and over and over and over...it takes time but eventually it sinks in... That is what the forum is for, to get it out and hear the same things over and over and over...until it "clicks" that is just what it is...sounds almost insulting - we are smart, beautiful, dynamic women...but when it comes to this particular situation, our minds have been scrambled, and its all static and fuzzy pictures until it clicks. We are dealing with cognitive dissonance...that is the mind trying to make two contradictory concepts actually unify and that is impossible and your mind is actually sharp enough to realize that and so it fights and during that process, we have to keep feeding our brains the message by repeating it over and over and over for we comprehend what we are reading and learning, but it is such a shock, it is so foreign and unimaginable to us that we have a very hard time processing. You aren't thick skulled, it is what the process is...for I will be bold enough to say...EVERYONE who has walked through these virtual doors at some point or another... Hugs!

#3 Apr 30 - 7AM (Reply to #14)

rew72

Michelle

Great advice. I'm not known for my patience so I want to be there now. Right now. I'm working hard to trust the process. Still spinning from the craziness of it all.

#4 Apr 29 - 11AM (Reply to #12)

Caligirl

Well put Michele

Yes, trying to understand how someone who professed to love me so much could treat me so bad, and d&d. Impossible to wrap the mind around. My exN was good with words. He was a "musician" and his words were flowery and romantic. He would repeat the same phrases over and over, like brainwashing. One of his favorites was "You're the love of my life."

#5 Apr 29 - 12PM (Reply to #13)

Deidre40

You know what my ex's

You know what my ex's was? "I'm so keepin you, and gonna make you number 5!'' No lie. And to think. I swooned over that at the time. Thank goodness the narc fog has lifted...and I see him for what he is. Notice how he said...''keepin you?'' Meaning...he 'chose' me...like a piece of fruit at the market. Ee gads. What an ass. Caligirl...the profession of love. It's really not a profession. It is all part of their disorder. That will help you be less baffled by all of this. ALL of it. From the beginning to the end--is their disorder. Not just the bad stuff. The ''good'' times are part of the disorder, because they really don't have intentions of staying like that. Their intent is to demean and control. They know they have to catch us though...and doesn't a fisherman use attractive bait to catch his fish? Of course. You don't put an empty hook in the water. No fish would bite. Same applies here. From I love you...to I hate you. It's all part of their disorder. The I love you's are a means to an end to them.

#6 Apr 28 - 6PM

Caligirl

After 28 days, I still question

I still fluctuate between denial n the realization that he is a N. I was with my ex for 1 yr, but we only saw each other physically over 5 months, after I moved in with him. Even then, he was gone most of the time for work. It was an abusive relationship where I was called names and hung up on repeatedly. He would threaten to break up many times. Still, I blame myself at times while he was in complete denial. I struggled to make sense of things I would learn. If I asked a question, he would immediately attack me. If he responded at all, it was vague. He would also lie. I couldn't get to know him, and I wanted to trust him, but there was something not genuine or not right. He told me he loved me within three weeks, after we met long-distance. He was very charming. I did everything for him. He had 3 ex-wives and we were engaged. I also said things after he began to slowly d&d that I feel bad about. Our last encounter he was acting crazy, making false accusations, and projecting on me. I had resolved to move out, so I went to say goodbye the last night, before he was going out of town. He quickly dismissed me. Like Dierdre, I probably shocked my exN when I left, moving across several states. He tried to call me several times before I left, but I did not call back. He left only one message about a bill. That was it, no closure at all. He had thteatened breakups in the past and didn't mean it, so it's been hard. NC has been hard. I thought of sending a final email of all the things I didn't get to say. I don't for many reasons. One he told me before that he had deleted my emails. Also, I don't want to be hurt by a response or lack of. Recovery is minute by minute sometimes. Reading my journal and the things he did helps. Hang in there. It's a process, & NC is a great start. I think these men get in our hearts & minds and wreak havoc. They crush our self-esteem, and it just takes time to rebuild to the person we were before.

#7 Apr 28 - 2PM

kgirl

I still fluctuate in and out

I still fluctuate in and out of the denial as well....keep reading, sharing and see all that you have in common with all of us. The fog will lift with time and NC....and you'll know :) Sending you vibes of strength ~KG

#8 Apr 28 - 8AM

Hunter

Rew72

All I can say is I recognized the Hurt he projected on me! I realized I was being abused. I felt I was being punched in the face over and over! I love me too much to allow abuse into my life! As hard as it was ,I stopped speaking to him! Because I did this he has given me the silent treatment, of course last Week he returned and once again caused caius! His words were crazy, evil, I miss the good guy but his evil twin brother, & crazy mother are part of the package! Hunter .

#9 Apr 28 - 7AM

Deidre40

I broke up 3 weeks ago it'll

I broke up 3 weeks ago it'll be tomorrow, with my now ex N. At first, I was in a fog. Like you, I blamed myself ...maybe I was 'bad,' and all the terrible things he said. I grew up with someone saying I was bad, so it's easy for me to believe insults, as an adult. But, when the fog cleared. I realized...it was not me. I'm not a saint. I make mistakes. But, I always said I was sorry if I ever offended him...always tried to be the peacemaker. He would always want to ignite the fights...or keep them going. And the fights were always about something very trivial. Just to exercise control. I believe narcs love to make us apologize and grovel...this is another form of control. Make us scared that they may leave. I surprised him though. I left. I broke things off, as I could no longer take the abuse. But, yes. I was where you are. But, mine also has four ex wives...so, who's the common denominator here? Ain't me. lol The whole thing...from start to finish, is about gaining control. Their I love you's, and promises in the beginning all sound great. But, it's to get our love...and get them in a position of control. If a man can get a woman to bond...and feel love...he's got her heart. Her mind will follow, he assumes. In my case and many others, that is true. But, when you break away...and truly go NC for a while...and really, just one week can make all the difference...you see things for what they were. It's not your fault he abused you. You're not perfect. I'm sure you've made some mistakes in the relationship. But, I'm sure you apologized. It is not your fault you were abused. Not your fault he left, if that's what he did. See, they have a plan from the beginning. To divide and conquer...and control. And if they perceive us as refusing to accept that they're in control...then, they either abuse harder...or move on. Mine abused harder. I chose to move on. Be good to yourself. For when you are, others will be.{{{hugs}}}

#10 Apr 28 - 11AM (Reply to #5)

7yeaeritch

Something I can recognize and

Something I can recognize and hold on to. All our fights were about little things which centered on his need to control like whether I slept on the bed or florr. Does that sound familiar to you Rue (am I spelling your name right?). I am hoping that will help denial-phasers like you (and it seems, maybe, me) if we can connect the dots and see that the things that hallmarked others' relationships, were hallmarks of ours too. Then we'll know we're not crazy...or alone.

#11 Apr 28 - 12PM (Reply to #6)

rew72

7yearitch and more denial coments

I read some of your post yesterday and do think we are in a similar phase. I like your advice on something you can recognize and hold on to. If I wrote my entire story, I would guess everyone would say "DUH, you even question he is N??" He was my first (and only) relationship after my marriage so I kept thinking that maybe I didn't know what the real relationship was supposed to be like. I was raised by a single mom so didn't have a model there. So, to put this in concrete, here are some examples: (1) since the beginning of the relationship, he would get furious at me over very small things, would say he was leaving me, then I would beg and he would "give me another chance." (2) He constantly talked about how gorgeous or how great he was. He always said it was a joke, but you could tell it wasn't. (3) After our third break up and once I got stronger, he would get so mad when I would tell him I was worth pursuing, worth loving, and that I had value. He went so far as to say those were things I could keep to myself...he didn't need/want to hear them. (4) Everything was my fault. Even if I could clearly show him where he started an argument, I somehow made him start the argument. (5) He has gone between myself and another woman during the past year. He left me for her, her for me, me for her, etc. And we both allowed it. (6) I once told my aunt that it felt like he was always on a stage, acting for everyone. Man, did I miss that flag.(7) He could literally switch personnas within hours. I never knew who I was going to get. (8) He would rage, and of course, that was my fault. Every time. (9) Lots of crazymaking. That I said things I didn't. That he didn't say things I knew he did. I could go on and on. The hardest part is I didn't think he showed this to other people because he is very charming, successful, and generous in others eyes. However, I recently heard from some coworkers (we work together) that everyone thought there was "just something about him." One guy said every time he interacted with N, the N put him down for some reason or another. Classic. Even now, I keep thinking that maybe he will change. I know he won't. Its just part of the letting go.

#12 Apr 28 - 2PM (Reply to #7)

Hunter

Rew72& 7yr

Private message each other a lot you are at the same stage you will find strengh through each other! Hugs Hunter

#13 Apr 28 - 7AM (Reply to #2)

rew72

Deidre40

Thank you so much for your reply. It helped immensely and gives me hope that you are three weeks out and already seeing some progress. Its also refreshing to hear from someone that truly understands. Friends that haven't been through it (1) can't understand why we continue to take the abuse and not leave, and (2) can't see why we would ever think it is our fault. Each time he would tell me what I was doing wrong, I set out to fix it. I'd "fix" one thing, and he would find another. I'd go after that, and he'd find something else. I've spent the last year "fixing" everything, and it still wasn't enough. And I now know, nothing would be enough. With all of this, I still believed I could change enough and fix enough to be what he needed me to be. After this last breakup - he did the leaving, but didn't really leave since we've been in constant contact -- he said I didn't take the chance he gave me to be with him. Talk about a reality check - as if he was doing me a favor by allowing me to be with me. However, I continue to believe it was me. Until the last two days. And it is painful to realize that I've chosen this for myself for so long. But also a relief - it wasn't all me. :) Thank you again for listening and sharing your story.

#14 Apr 28 - 8AM (Reply to #3)

Deidre40

Oh rew...so glad to be of

Oh rew...so glad to be of help. {{hugs}} I think we all dated the same man. lol Let me tell you something about love. Love does not look for wrongs. It doesn't seek to keep score. True love accepts someone's apology...and moves on. It doesn't keep seeking more wrongs. That's how I know (amongst other red flags) that what I was in, wasn't love. Because like your story...I kept having to jump through hoops. And the only reason my exN was ever nice to me, is if I was doing as he asked. Once I 'disobeyed'...I'd have to do a lot of ''fixing'' to get back into his good graces. Good Lawdie...not a way to live. I find it so sad that he made it sound like you missed a chance to be with him. hahaha I laugh, because mine said...''you are making a huge mistake, breaking up with me.'' Nope. The mistake would have been staying. Thing is. This all takes time to process. You can't rush the grieving process. Even though the whole thing was toxic, it is still a loss of sorts. So, take this time to heal...and process. But, know that while you might have made some mistakes, a loving man would forgive you...and move on. Not keep looking for more wrongs...and making you suffer. True love wants the best for the other. They only want control. And they process ''love'' as the other person obilging their every whim. Which is why they don't do well in relationships...because, their insecurities take over...and the need for control trumps all else. Thus, we are trying to be loving, but they just keep taking. I pray you will heal soon...you will, just know it takes time. But, stay NC. Really. Don't let this jerk back into your life. Hoovering is all about REGAINING control from a past lover. If he comes back...and promises you the world...and says he is sorry. This is nothing more than his desire to gain control, because he lost it with someone else, after he left you. And once you let him back in...he will hurt you again. This is their disorder. Their disorder is all about an insatiable need for control, because they are so very insecure.

#15 Apr 28 - 12PM (Reply to #4)

Veronrose

Deidre

I just LOVE your posts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xo V

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