do you ever wonder this like I do?

26 posts / 0 new

#1 Oct 24 - 6PM

Victim-no-more

do you ever wonder this like I do?

If they dont care.......then why are they so afraid of abandonment? Most n's have stocks of supply socked away and if supply is supply, why do they seem to panic when they sense we have had enough and are about to jump ship? Why do they not just say adios and go on to a different source? Mine seemed to panic when he knew I was finished. But he has an entire phone full of willing women so why did he even try to stop me? He is obviously very angry that I did not come back when he tried sucking me back in. im definitely getting the silent treatment now,i honestly think this is his final discard.

#2 Oct 25 - 11PM

gettinbetter

It relates back to issues

It relates back to issues they have with their Mommy from a very young age. It reignites those feelings of unworthyness and inferiority in them which is something they cannot tolerate from anyone. They have to make sure they are the ones to end it. Its the ultimate control for them and helps then balance their precarious self esteem

#3 Oct 26 - 12AM (Reply to #25)

Victim-no-more

Well, he tried to lure me

Well, he tried to lure me back and I told him no and goodbye and good luck. I just hope it made an impact....i hope he did experience those feelings of unworthiness,etc.......its the only dignity ive experienced throughout the entire entanglement with him. He may not give 2 shits about me, but he thought id always be sitting here waiting when he got ready to allow me back into his life. I still can't believe I didnt go right back as always.....i dont care how he tries to spin it in his mind, the fact is that I actually have rejected HIM this time,and I know it has to sting, just a little bit. Theres no way in hell I will ever go back now.......he would make sure to get even and I will never give him that chance.

#4 Oct 25 - 8PM

ifinallygotit

mine would not panic

he would just act right when I pulled back, the way a normal man would treat someone he cared for - then as soon as he was sure he had me again, all the neglect would repeat

#5 Oct 25 - 1PM

Emma

My xN didn't panic at all.

My xN didn't panic at all. But I think he had the feeling I was losing interest so he just ended it before I did. He doesn't need me for his supply, he has his two other exes for that.

#6 Oct 25 - 10AM

Totally Stunned

What Journey said here is

What Journey said here is right on! My ex narc even told me this. WHen I asked him dating advice when my daughter and her boyfriend split, then got back together, and the boyfriend finally ended it (even though he said he was in love with her)...here was the narc's explanation: He said that what the boyfriend was doing was simple, he was protecting the fragile male ego by dumping her instead of being dumped. He said that when men know the relationship will not last, they want to end it - and cant stand being dump/rejected themselves.

#7 Oct 25 - 1PM (Reply to #21)

rosedewittbukater

it's not a man thing

dump or be dumped...not a "man" thing, it's a narc thing! Trust me.

#8 Oct 25 - 3AM

Journey

Because they HAVE to be the

Because they HAVE to be the one who abandons. They hate to lose control, they can't stand to see anyone (especially those they once emotionally controlled and see as weak because of it), gain an upper hand. As long as they do the leaving they are fine. When someone else does they panic - at least until they can draw enough life blood from other supply to overcome their sense of 'loss'.

Journey on...

#9 Oct 24 - 10PM

Syren66 (not verified)

They all claim they fear

They all claim they fear being abandoned...that is to instill a sense of responsibility in YOU to never abandon THEM or you are a bad person exploiting their deepest fears if you do grow tired of their non stop emotional abuse. It's very clever and insidious of them. Further to that, most of them will also brag that they were the one to end every relationship they have ever been in...well if they're so fucking afraid of being abandoned, where did that irrational fear come from if they're the one who's 100% of the time been doing the abandoning, hmmmm? This is the question I posed to the xN who literally looked at me like I'd grown a third eye. He had no reply. What these rocket surgeons don't ever seem to grasp is that they are ALWAYS abandoned...they may initiate the physical split, but I can virtually guarantee that every single one of their previous partners peaced out emotionally looong before the N ever decided to pull the plug themselves.

#10 Oct 24 - 10PM

onwithmylife

vicitm no more

what it is they try to abandon you BEFORE you abandon them, my exnarc even nodded in agreement as much to me when I said that to him. They set themselves up for the very thing they fear the most., As I have said in the past, their mothers abandoned them emotionally, left them with no sense of self......

#11 Oct 26 - 12AM (Reply to #17)

Kimmy2

So u think the narc has

So u think the narc has abandonment issues? Eg my narcs mother left cause she was alcoholic when he was Bout 7. But his father is a wanka and uses the kids too. Wld call their mother a slut.

#12 Oct 24 - 8PM

rosedewittbukater

It's a self fulfilling prophecy

They perpetuate their own worst fear, over and over and over again. I think this post does a pretty good job of explaining it. At least the fear of abandonment part. As for why they resist? I think it is their unrelenting drive to WIN the game. Make no mistake it is a game to them. http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/07/10/why-narcissist-cannot-accept-our-love hugs, Rose

#13 Oct 24 - 8PM

Redhead1

I think it has a lot to do

I think it has a lot to do with their ego. If they sense you are leaving, they will beat you to it. That grandoise attitude, nobody is gonna leave them.

#14 Oct 24 - 9PM (Reply to #14)

HoLLeeGirL

Redhead, that is EXACTLY why

Redhead, that is EXACTLY why I am starting to think my life ruiner will be back. He didn't really fight me when I said never to contact me again but he wouldn't agree to it, wouldn't say goodbye etc. However, we've gone through that scenario 900 times. But I ended it this time... he won't stand for that. You are EXACTLY right!

#15 Oct 24 - 8PM (Reply to #13)

rosedewittbukater

Redhead

you pretty much hit the nail on the head!

#16 Oct 24 - 8PM

peanutbutterfrogs

and

They panic when they feel threatened. When someone begins to expose them for what they are. When they fear you. Understand that. Took me a while. THEY fear YOU. My goodness, I was so afraid of exN, but just realized, N has nothing on me. Nothing. What is N going to do? Tell people who I really am? EVERYONE who matters to me knows who I really am. Am absolutely sick of N's who think people are just objects to profit from, and if you threaten that profit, they will try to exploit your weaknesses and vulnerabilities. If your N is panicking, tread carefully, but maintain your strength. Don't let N dupe you. Don't let N exploit you. It will backfire on the N's eventually. Had to go on again. :D *Strength and Courage"

#17 Oct 24 - 10PM (Reply to #11)

rosedewittbukater

Panic

...oh yes, once they realize you have begun to unmask them they will bolt like the place is on fire

#18 Oct 24 - 8PM (Reply to #9)

ready2receive

Fear

Thank you, Peanutbutterfrogs!! I never thought of it that way......they do fear us. Wow. What a paradigm shift. I've been so afraid of him....but it's true. Who would listen to him (he has no friends) and all of my friends hated him anyway! I felt vulnerable because he knows all of my "secrets" and fears...but I also know his. Thank you!! Empowering thought!

#19 Oct 24 - 9PM (Reply to #10)

peanutbutterfrogs

by helping others

we really do help ourselves. All the pieces fell into place for me when I was reading the posts here and responding. It was like light and clarity. I feared he would come after me. He can't. I changed EVERYTHING, phone numbers, IP, everything. I hate to see someone emotionally blackmailed. Hate it, and I realized that's the N's motive. But N is the one who is really afraid, and tries to instill that fear in others. What is he going to do? Beg me to come back? Threaten me? He has nothing to threaten with UNLESS I take N back and let him put me through the emotional turmoil. That is the only power N has, if I give it to him. My life has always been pretty much an open book. The good the bad and the ugly. And so it shall remain. I can't change where I've been, can only change where I'm going. Please keep the empowerment you feel. Please. It will help you through the most trying times. It will help the fog clear. It will help you to trust that instinct. The one that comes when someone pulls you aside and whispers in your ear (this is important as N's are great with that tactic, the subtle "gaslighting" that drives friends away) something bad about someone else. N did it to me, but I realize now, N played me the same way. I would feel a real connection with someone, and N would pull me aside and say "hey, watch out." Please let yourself keep moving forward. Don't let N's own you or exploit you. You have a lot to offer the world. I didn't help, I simply pointed out what you somehow knew all along, else it wouldn't have resonated in you. *Strength and Courage*

#20 Oct 24 - 8PM

dulcinea441

They think they lose their

They think they lose their control if THEY are abandoned. They have no trouble with doing the abandoning, of course. My narc hoovered me back in with a sob-story just as I declared that I'd had enough and was leaving -- all so HE could turn around the next day and dump ME. They live their lives for such power plays -- i.e., for "the game." Nothing else really matters to them.

#21 Oct 25 - 1AM (Reply to #7)

meik11

Bingo!

You are absolutely right, CONTROL.... The last time I convinced myself to have no contact with the N (before i ever found this site) I ignored his calls and texts for a week. In his texts and voicemails he almost sounded desperate like he couldn't believe it was happening. Once I did answer him he gave me a sob story about his mom being in the hospital. I hadn't enough abuse and I went back, only for him to D&D me a few weeks later. Its like why go through the trouble of coming back if your going to leave again. I know its because if he wasn't the one doing the leaving he felt he was not in control. He was such s jerk off, if you hung up on him he would call back 100 times only to hang up on you so he would be the one to end the conversation....

#22 Oct 24 - 8PM (Reply to #4)

Victim-no-more

I just have to believe that

I just have to believe that these psychopathic idiots will reap what they sow. the anger I feel at times is frightening. at least I have the satisfaction of knowing that my N doesnt have a pot to piss in really.....can't keep a job, barely gets by, and on top of that he has a cocaine problem so im sure he stays pretty miserable for the most part. And I couldnt be happier about that.

#23 Oct 24 - 9PM (Reply to #5)

HoLLeeGirL

ha I thought mine was the

ha I thought mine was the only one who can't keep a job. But then of course, it's never HIS fault. He never got FIRED... he always left on his own accord. haha BS. Is it wrong to take a little comfort in the fact they have nothing going for them? Sometimes I feel bad knowing his future is crap but then again, that's his problem.

#24 Oct 25 - 11PM (Reply to #6)

Amiee

hehe

My N tells people he is retired and sold his business, hahaha. He is getting money from his mommy, and this four other supply. He got money from me (idiot!) and of course groceries (bad on me twice). I now suspect that all the trips and dinners he bought were paid for by other women's money much as the booze and things I left at his house benefitted them. He is so low, he invited my mother and me out to dinner with him andhis 84 year old mother...HE HAD He PAY! I was mortified!

#25 Oct 24 - 7PM

Sparrow

They relive the initial

They relive the initial abandonment. That is what they struggle with. It's a constant reminder to them unfortunately. They could care less who is leaving them now, it's not about who is leaving, we can be replaced, it just assures them that no one will ever remain. And we can not convince them otherwise. No matter what we say or do. Sad, but true.

#26 Oct 24 - 7PM

peanutbutterfrogs

The exN panicked

When he knew he was figured out. When he knew he could no longer project onto me. Just realized this. They hate common sense, or words of wisdom that douse their game into fiery infernos, or drown them in arguments they can no longer stay afloat in, or have a comeback on. N would just rather pretend I didn't exist or raise valid questions at those times. So yes, when figured out N panicked (I now realize) to such a degree, that (just dawned on me earlier too) that he just did everything to shut me up. And that did work for a while. Maybe N sees you as challenging? And wants to pull the whole dumping thing again, this time harder and more hurtful. Stay NC, it is the most important thing. If I hadn't found this site I wouldn't have known that. As time progresses, you'll see more clearly. *Strength and Courage*

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