Do they purposefully test us?

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#1 Jul 11 - 1PM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Do they purposefully test us?

One question I have had in dealing with my N is there were many times when he would kind of do the whole boomerang thing of pulling me close, pushing me away, over and over and again...in fact, it got to the point where it was almost predictable...like I could just count on the fact that if we did something together that normal people would see as a bonding experience, he would backpedal in a few hours or the next day and immediately put emotional distance there again.

I wondered if a lot of it was just him pushing and testing me to see how far I'd let him push, or to kind of "train" me. He was really big on expectations...namely, that he didn't want me to have any of him, which would make it easy for him to come and go as he pleased.

But is that typical? I mean, is it purposeful, what they do? Was he testing me to make sure I'd react appropriately (or his idea of appropriate) to him? Or is it just second nature? Most of the time I felt like many of his moves were strategic, deliberate...but I could be wrong about that...maybe it was all about poor impulse control and going along with his whims, which, of course, changed frequently. With me, too, it seemed like the his cycles would occur more frequently the more secure he seemed of me being there...and the cycles themselves in terms of his actions would be more extreme (like sleeping with me one night and less than a week later suddenly he is back together with an old gf).

YEAH when you start writing it out it really does sound completely awful and abusive, even if I allowed it and made excuses for it during the time.

Jul 15 - 8PM
grossot
grossot's picture

I hear what everyone is

I hear what everyone is saying very well. I'm so sorry you all have gone through this as I know how much it sucks! I didn't know it was even happening. I just felt I was a loser and couldn't do anything right. But YES! He was testing me! I'm staring to remember all the accusations he made. When I caught him cheating he said "so, you mean you've never fooled around with anyone else?". He actually made me feel like a loser for being a faithful wife! As for the apologies he always apologized first. I even bragged to my friends about this endearing characteristic of his! Now I see he did it because he learned from good little mirrors that's what normal people do and also now I see he was setting me up to hear the apology he longed for from me. Does anyone suppose that they test us because they feel tested? And they want to test you to study our reaction so they can react the way a normal person wouldas they feel tested? Just a thought.... Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o) nolongercontrolled
Jul 15 - 7PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Push...Pull.....Push....Pull

Yes, they test us! It's maddening. I call it Push....Pull. They push us away because they dread intimacy. It scares them so when they feel like you're getting too close, they purposefully push you away. Then, when they are feeling insecure, they pull you back in. They have no regard or concern as to how this affects us. They are incapable of understanding that. Everything is about what meets their needs at the time....nothing more, but certainly nothing less. Here's a copy/paste from my book: While narcissists are oblivious to the fact that their behavior hurts others, it does not mean that at times, they are not deliberately abusive. A narcissist is purposefully abusive when the relationship with his signifi- cant other changes in a way that is not to his liking. An example of this would be when a significant other becomes too close or clingy. Intimacy terrifies a narcissist, and he will respond by being purposefully abusive in order to push the person away. Another example of when a narcissist would be intentionally abusive is when a significant other voices her displeasure or threatens to leave the relationship. By asserting abusive behavior, a narcissist believes he can maintain his dominance and control over his significant other.
Jul 15 - 10PM (Reply to #23)
adeline (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks Lisa

Lisa-- Thanks for the response. I think the straw for me was when I knew exactly what he was doing with the pushing/pulling and was WILLING TO PLAY ALONG ANYWAY. Like you watch yourself become this person that is almost not attached to you because you, the healthy you, would NEVER cater to someone so irrational and manipulative. Except, of course, that it was you who was indeed catering and suppressing all of your needs just to keep him around... Anyway, really, running across this website and finding out about your book has done a lot in validating all of those crazy things I'd been wondering for faaaar too long. It's kind of refreshing to realize that I don't have to rationalize away all of his awful, cold, callous behavior because it should never have been rationalized away in the first place. I think it is wonderful that you've taken difficult, emotionally-charged experiences and turned them into something constructive, something useful for yourself and for (as is apparent) many many other people, too. Thank you.
Jul 15 - 1AM
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

oh that is comforting to

oh that is comforting to realise I'm not the only one! My N would literally spring out of bed after morning play and leave and I wouldn't hear from him for a few weeks. He would be cold if i tried to contact him but then he would come back all hot and heavy and expect me to be there. if i didn't reply to messages within an hour he would be on the phone "where are you and who with." Then the same thing again he would either call me to make plans and sometimes he wouldn't show up or text to say he can't make it and I was waiting all night. He is a different man in the morning then he was at night I don't understand!
Jul 15 - 7PM (Reply to #16)
better off
better off's picture

Mine would be that way after

Mine would be that way after emotional intimacy...sometimes we'd have hours of late night chat online, not sexual or even romantic, just emotional sharing and being very close, being trusting. I began to get it that he would be quite distant and aloof for a while after something like that...if he "let me in." Of course I was the Perfect Girl, sooo understanding, and I always knew that if I waited and "gave him space" he would come back closer when he could. Not realizing this was part of a destructive cycle. As Lisa said, they play the come here/go away game without any thought as to how it affects you and your feelings.
Jul 16 - 7PM (Reply to #17)
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

re: Mine would be that way after for better off

Hi better off..can I check how long he would disappear for after you got close? Would it be a few days/a few weeks? My N had a cycle of disappearing for 2 weeks if he felt it was too close then he would come back begging pretty much. If I didn't answer a call or a message he would panic and chase me in 2 hours. I thought that meant he cared about me but am learning since this blog maybe this was a destrutctive cycle! How would he be when he came back? Closer than before?
Jul 16 - 7PM (Reply to #18)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

omg!

sooooo cupcake .... getting ready for his return? HOPING he will come back still? STOP! NOW!! WHO CARES! NO CONTACT!! PLEEEEAAAASSSEEE ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 16 - 8PM (Reply to #19)
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

re OMG

Hi Barbara! Ohhhhh you are too smart! Yes I am hoping he will come back...I wnat the last word so I can ignore him? Except I have said that to my friends about 10 times before. Do you think he will come back? I heard that they sometimes like to see if they can extract something from their old sources just for their own entertainment...I think I can ignore him this time. I NEED CLOSURE!
Jul 16 - 8PM (Reply to #20)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

stop it stop it stop it

YOU WILL NOT GET CLOSURE WITH HIM!!! YOU WILL NOT GET CLOSURE WITH HIM!!! YOU WILL NOT GET CLOSURE WITH HIM!!! YOU WILL NOT GET CLOSURE WITH HIM!!! YOU WILL NOT GET CLOSURE WITH HIM!!! YOU WILL NOT GET CLOSURE WITH HIM!!! You want closure? NO CONTACT WILL SPEAK VOLUMES TO HIM!!! Believe me... it is the BEST CLOSURE EVER!! You WANT THIS SUBHUMAN CRETIN BACK??!?!?!?!? I'd send the new girlfriend a note saying "thanks for helping me get rid of him! sweet relief!" http://www.oneangrydaughter.com/2009/03/why-not-to-have-relationship-with.html DID YOU PRINT OUT AND PUT IT UP WHERE YOU CAN READ IT 1000 times a day???? ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 16 - 8PM (Reply to #21)
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

re: stop it!!

Hey! Great article...love it!
Jul 15 - 5PM (Reply to #12)
adeline (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cupcake

Cupcake-- Yep. Totally familiar. The coldness. The name-dropping afterwards of who he is with and why he is too busy for me. The sort of making plans but not really that then get canceled all while you are waiting for them to show or text or let you know what is going on. But yet, even between it all, he'd never really let go. As long as I acted correctly and didn't push back and accepted his situation however he presented it, he wouldn't totally go away. He'd say pretty things about how we'd figure it out even if he had a gf who wanted to be uber-exclusive, etc. He called it "lane changes"...temporary and changeable again. Such a bad cycle. SUCH a bad cycle.
Jul 15 - 6PM (Reply to #13)
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

That's awful!!

Oh Adeline that is terrible. You feel pretty worthless aye when they are so there then so not! I guess we need to realise THEY are the jerks and we shouldn't feel unworthy or like we are not good enough for these worthless men! People just shouldn't do that - if you make a date you make a date and you keep it or be a man and call to say you can't make it. Not leave someone waiting all night, it is just plain rude and arrogant. I couldn't stand up to mine either he wanted me to be his quiet little girl that said yes to everything. but not anymore!!
Jul 15 - 10PM (Reply to #14)
adeline (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

awful 2

Yeah...I think really the problem is that we, as the normal ones, wouldn't think that another normal person who claimed to care about us would really ever act that way...it's still, honestly, ming-boggling to me. There are moments when I really do sit back and reflect (usually against my will) on it and just...cringe...and have those OH MY GOODNESS moments that only come when you really realize what happened, what it really was. The unfortunate thing I guess is that there is a fair amount of self-blame involved...but it helps to learn about the way he really was because it does help to realize that I didn't cause the problem. He let me in as much and in what capacity he wanted to let me in and anything he didn't want, he didn't give. It wouldn't have mattered if I tried to change the terms or tried to say I wanted something different (ie, something that DIDN'T involve me getting the 1am text because he felt needy). They wouldn't have changed. The irony here is that, at this point, after all this time, I'm not really angry about it. I mean, I know I should be. I know that I should be fiery indignant...but I think in some ways that is why learning about it helps. I think it helps to kind of channel the anger that would otherwise be there. Not that the situation doesn't deserve anger. It does. But it's like being angry you need to change the oil in your car or about the fact it is snowing in the middle of January. Really, at the most basic level, it is what it is. And I think when you realize that, it makes it easier to walk away from. What you are walking away from is a BAD situation, not a person.
Jul 15 - 10PM (Reply to #15)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

adeline

You should read my blog post from yesterday: http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/07/15/invasion-sanity-snatchers I think you'd be VERY interested in reading WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS. I have it on my abuse site at a super big discount: https://www.e-junkie.com/ecom/gb.php?ii=171497&c=cart&aff=21165&ejc=2 Once you read it - loan it to every woman you know! what you are walking away from is EVIL. Pure EVIL. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 15 - 1AM (Reply to #11)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cupcake - descriptions of narcs & their behavior

you should get and read Lisa's book (right) it would help you a lot. Click on MESSAGE BOARD on the left and go allllll the way back to the beginning and click on anything that seems to resonate with you. You'll learn a lot here and get support. More for you as well: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/11/narcissisticborderline-controllers-at.html http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/11/narcissisticborderline-controllers-at.html http://divorcinganarcissist.com/articles/article-3/ http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/12/if-they-are-narcissist-run.html http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/11/many-faces-of-narcissist-narcissists.html http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2007/11/narcissistic-personality-disorder.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 11 - 4PM
jenn99 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

yes

yeah that's what htey do and all they do...u get too close and they push away...create distance to see your reaction...then it happens over n over again....that's the basic jist of the relationship or dysfunctional situation if you want to call it....
Jul 11 - 4PM
GhostBuster
GhostBuster's picture

Mine admitted it!

My recent ex N said to me when we were in the midst of one of his attempts at "compromise" (ie, making me bend to his will) that he had to "test me to see if i'd be willing to compromise." I got really angry with him when he said that...told him don't ever test about something like this--the fate of our relationship! I was pretty submissive throughout the relationship and I think that threw him (but only momentarily, of course). He was testing me throughout the relationship but I didn't see it at the time. I passed his boundary tests right up until the end...but of course, failed these tests for my own sake. Ugh.
Jul 11 - 2PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

it isn't easy to figure out

it isn't easy to figure out if you don't know what you are dealing with. they don't do emotional closeness so when he would have a feeling of uneasiness he would push you away. they are very limited in their range of posiive emotions and so they don't like that 'feeling' of closeness. they feel they are being controlled as they don't understand, love, intimiacy, loyalty, respect, sympathy, or empathy. You were dealing with a full deck he was missing quie a few cards in his deck so the game could never be played to win.
Jul 15 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

This makes sense

This makes sense Carolyn...I'm just finding out alot of things now about the guy I was dating for the past year. He had a girlfriend (I didn't know or would never have given him anything physical or emotional) and would contact me at all hours begging to come over, woudl want to chat on the phone or text message all night where he should have been taking care of her and making her feel worthy. He took her away for a weekend(he never did that for me, it so hurts) arrived back on the Sunday and starting chasing me from Monday morning for the whole week. And really really chasing, messages and e-mails morning to night. Maybe he gets too close to her and then needs me to make him like a big man so he doesn't feel his space is invaded. Does this sound correct for a narcissist? I am NOT going to be used as that catalyst anymore!
Jul 11 - 2PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

hi Adeline

Without a doubt, do they "test" us in every which way.Have you read the Book, help I am in love with a Naraccist,by Steven Carter and Julia Sokel, if not, hope you do .A wonderful book about dealing with naraccistic men and women. Also i would recommend Sam Vaknin's book,Malignant Love, written by a Naraccist man and so insightful. It has helped me get trough the dark tunnel.Good luck to you...
Jul 11 - 1PM
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

OMG!

adeline, Thanks for asking this question, why? Because I been thinking about this issue a lot lately and how she tested me consistently! Tested my commitment to her, now let me make clear it was never the relationship it was always Her! Tested my honesty to her insomuch telling or calling me a liar many times Tested my fidelity consistently! If I have a nickel for each time I was told I am cheating on her I would have a good amount of money that I could use today! Tested my boundaries consistently! The more I gave up personal boundaries the more she pushed those that where left. Tested my love to her. Example telling me I didn't love her and wanted to leave her. In the beginning this wasn't true but in all honesty as the relationship dissolved it became the truth. Tested me by making a statement set up to start a fight to see how I would react. I think she did this when she was bored, just my opinion but talk about "walking on eggshells"! Tested me? YES and more times then I want to remembers.. Thanks again for asking the question! http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Jul 15 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

? Women can be narcissists?

Hi James - I had no idea that women could be narcissists too! I'm so sorry that all happened to you...I'm learning new things every day about this strange breed of people!
Jul 11 - 1PM
finallydone
finallydone's picture

Oh Yes

Definitely I think they are testing all the time. I used to think he was "testing my love for him". More from a sympathetic stance towards him. During the first year I even said that to him and he admitted it after awhile like an apologetic child. This was when he still sometimes "pseudo" apologized. His own sister said, "Well he doesn't really apologize but you have to watch his actions... he acts sorry." Like she was explaining to me how to see the real him. Poor woman from that completely dysfunctional family. Anyway.... yes, the cycle gets shorter and shorter. Its' totally abusive in the same way a physically abusive cycle works. At least that's what I came to believe from my own experiences. And now I'm reading up on my own part of that dance... what I would accept, how I tried to get his approval and tried to "pass all those tests."
Jul 11 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

testing you

sure they test you to see how much you can take and to get over any boundaries you may have left. It's SICK - what normal person would do that!!!! You will NEVER get approval from a Narc. EVER. RUN RUN RUN! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/