Do they always want to be "friends" when you break up?

I think another reason they want to be friends is so you'll keep your mouth shut. I'm fully convinced that's why my last ex N pleaded for continued friendship at the very end. Even his mom told me he "wishes we could remain friends" and I told her in no uncertain terms I couldn't. And I told her all about his control, manipulations, etc. It was right after we broke up so I hadn't figured out he's an N so that wasn't discussed. Later, though, his sister emailed me to find out how I was doing and I told her I suspected he's an N (and that HE even suspected it too). So...fast forward a year later and he's back from being deployed to the middle east...and I get a drunked voicemail on my cell (which I haven't changed for business reasons and it's the only number he still has of mine because I've changed the others)...and it says "Trash me. whatever!". The voice was so incoherent I can't be sure it was him (and the number was blocked). But I think it probably was and it came in the aftermath of his family likely confronting him about the things he did in our "relationship" (which his mom told me she'd do when he got back from service). So, bottom line...I'm not his friend and I didn't keep his secrets. Feels great!!!

Before I knew what an N was and was so confused after I had moved out. He had kept contact, only on his freakish terms, then one night in December he told me "it's over I am sleeping with someone else and am moving on" then through my tear I tried to kiss him goodbye and he recoiled. I got home a few minutes later (shattered of course) and he calls and asks if I would like to go to a movie with him the next week (on Christmas day) and have some fun because his new G would be out of town. I haven't spoken to him or seem him since. Peace. J

Mine said that...then came over and took what he wanted. Don't trust that part...I am learning not to.. No contact is the only way...I foolishly slipped in the third week (which is the hardest for me)...and now am back to square one... I pray for the strength to get past this horrible experience... Got my Psychopath book yesterday... It is a GREAT book to help UNDERSTAND things I have been having a hard time with.. I look forward to being...or finding...ME again...

My Ex N has echoed the same "let's be friends" mantra. I told him, that's not possible. I married him to be my best friend, confidant and lover. Not to be abused, degraded and belittled everyday. Not to be changed into someone who suits only his needs. We share no children. Like you, although I know he's no good for me, I wouldn't be able to combat the attraction I had always had for him. No NC is the only way to go. At least for me. I blocked him from my e-mail and my phone so as to avoid any temptation on my part to answer. Now I'm short saling my house, due to him causing total financial disaster. I asked the lawyer to contact him to review the specifics. The next day I get an e-mail to my work e-mail address. It said "Why in the world would you block me from you e-mail?" I don't know. "Maybe because you're a self serving con artist who abused me mentally every day. Maybe because it was all about you." Maybe because you left me 5 days after my Lupus diagnosis." "Maybe because my friends and family ...whom you hated because it diverted attention from you..couldn't stand you." Proud to say I didn't answer at all. Just thought these things. But I found humor in the fact, that even now he just doesn't get the magnitude of his abuse and how he shattered my world. It felt enpowering to have the resolve not to even bother addressing his e-mail. I feel I'm slowly on my way to recovery.

You cant be friends with a N. It will still drain you and leave you feeling uptight. They will never be wrong and it will still always be your fault. They will never be able to support you or have empathy for you. The wont be a friend you can turn to in the time of need. I think if they want to remain in contact with you its because they still want something from you. OR they want to keep you for a future need. Cut the contact, it will be better in the long run. They dont want to be seen as the bad person or the one responsible for the breakup. Sorry they dont see it that way or that they did anything wrong. My ex is still trying to hide his ow from me. He drove her car over the weekend. He still wants to look like the good guy who did nothing wrong.

Yes, he wanted to be friends, still does. Except I know that he doesn't want to be "just friends" because I was the one who broke-up with him, so he is trying to get back together. It's amazing the lengths that some of them will go to. I WISH he would tell me he didn't want to be friends!

mine did this to me the first two times we broke up. Looking back I think he did it to keep me around... I really was like his crutch...helped him do a lot of things... you know how it is ..he got me to do research for him and on and on... N rarely do anything that they can get someonelse to do. Also, my XN would boast at how he was friends with almost all his xgf (this was so far from the truth) he was friendly with a handful, but not many. He has this thing where once he was done with someone he would enter them in his phone and email under Z.. Zdesity, or zsusan.... so they would go to the bottom of the list, but still always be on the list. after the 3rd breakup XN had no use for me and it was too much of a risk of me exposing him for who he really was, plus as I found out tonite he had a real in person Gf and not just some online OW that he cheated on me with in the past. it is best to not ever remain friends with them...too risky to get sucked back in...even if you say you wont now(I said that the 1st two times too) and before you know it you are meeting just as friends, then dating again, then exclusive... all a game to the narc. “It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.”

My ex N didn't want to be friends...he doesn't need anybody he says...and is true he has 1 friend but i never saw the guy and he wasn't seeing much of im either....and 2 old co workers (women) that is all folks.....oh,and his nephew who lives in California that calls him once in 2 moths maybe less..he don't go out,only works,and on the PC...is true,really....

Couple of reasons he wants to be freinds, epscially if he has a wide social network of alot of attractive female freinds: One: He's doing it so he can paint himself as the wonderful guy who has healthy repsectful relationships with the women in his life, before during and after the relationship. Who knows what other close girlfriends of his (future prey) are watching to see how he handles the break-up? Since N's have no apreciation for boundaries I am sure he even has future prey lined up waiting for thier chance (becasue they think he's wonderful- thanks to him of course). Two: so he can come to you when he needs supply in any forms. Maybe even taunt you by talking about your relationship and how it compares to his future ones. Seriously, I saw my X-N torture ex-gfs and girls he dated like that. That is why I let him know I did not want to talk to him ever again, sat down on his computer and had him show me how to defriend him on Facebook just before I left with my things.

None of the guys I've dated did. Nearly all of them have contacted me though at one point or another to try to test the waters. For the most part, I understand that they like to keep their bait on tender-hooks, so if you have him on fb - BLOCK . . Keep NC. Good luck!

Yeah, he wanted to be my friend too. I thought "wtf"? No- I told him 7 weeks ago If he wouldn't have lied, betrayed and verbally abuse me-then maybe I would have considered it. But hell no...not even acquaintances.

yep, mine too. He wants to stay in business. I told him I can't because I love him and it will be too painful to see him, as you say, hitting on other girls.....which, btw he does right in front of my face here at work! I think it is part of the using you as an object. Because they never really truly love us anyway and its always just been about what they can still get from us. I'm sure that they realize there is still SOMETHING that they can get from us and they want it. It is more supply, and after all, life is about getting as much supply as possible. And it makes them look like they are great guys that all of these girls that were in love with them still want them around. It makes it even better to get supply! And like mine did, he can use me as chick bait to build up demand and get new supply! Forget the being friends after you have a new guy! If you have a new guy that you love - why in the world would you still want an old boyfriend around!!! Nothing like confusing a new relationship that could truly make it!

yeah..for recycled NS in an emergency, or either it's way of pretending to be "the nice guy"..but nice normal people wouldn't of even suggested: "His answer? "OK then, one day when you're totally in love with some new guy, THEN we can be friends." ^^ that's rather inappropriate for what is happening between you two it's just a lie and he really doesn't mean it cuz if you were that important to him, he wouldn't be D&D you