Do they always return?

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#1 May 16 - 5PM

trying2heal

Do they always return?

Just wondering if anyone has had experience with their Narc not ever returning? From what I heard they almost always return. Have not heard a peep out of mine since I exposed him.
I know it sounds crazy, but would love for him to return so I could ignore him.

#2 May 30 - 11AM

Sooziel4

Can't believe he would try!

After my ranting at him for 2 hrs, threatening to shoot him if he shows up and cc'ing an attorney about him picking up his things in 4 weeks or I'd dispose of them, I can't believe he would try to contact me again. I feel like I unearthed a prehistoric monster who tried to devour me and I have been fighting for my life. I can't believe I would ever see this in any other light if he tried to contact me. So many people have told me he probably will even years from now. I know he stays in contact with others from the past from time to time. They obviously dont' get it like I do. Why would they ever speak to him again???

#3 May 30 - 9AM

Susan32

In the driver's seat

I think since Ns/Ps are so fixated on control... they can't stand the idea of another person pushing their buttons. When I tried to emotionally bribe the ex-Psych prof into apologizing (sorta like telling my nephew he can play with a favorite toy if he behaves), he said, "I'm not your puppet." When I crossed HIS emotional boundaries, congratulating him on his engagement... he didn't get an apology from me (which he wanted, you know, double standards), so when he raged, I stood there with a HUGE smile on my face. It disturbed him because he never liked seeing me smile, let alone enjoy myself. I think I ruined some things for him. Really. He did his master's thesis at UVA on Augustine's "Confessions";I did my senior thesis for my bachelor's degree on Augustine's "Confessions." Needless to say, he has never written on Augustine again. He no longer considers himself a philosopher... he used to get philosophical journals&go to philosophical conferences... but now he pals around with his father. He no longer considers himself a philosopher on the subject of religion... well, I do write about religion. Ns/Ps don't contact those who they think will overpower them, or are just plain unpredictable. Ns/Ps are so dependent on their victims being "well-trained" (the ex-P would call me "well-trained"), that if their victims are the one tossing word salads and dishing out CDs (musical&cognitive dissonance), THEY are the ones left profoundly confused. The ex-P would say that I "baffled him constantly." He wanted me to be predictable. When I ended up being as predictable as a Vegas casino, all bets were off.

#4 May 30 - 8AM

Deidre40

I believe I answered this

I believe I answered this already, but I wanted to add...sometimes, 'they' return in odd ways. Not in the ways you might be thinking. More indirect. Hoovering can take a lot of forms. I belong to a wesite, so does he. Ever since the breakup, he has tried talking to me on there. Sometimes, I would take the bait. Then, we'd text again...then, he'd smash me down with insults. (I broke up with him, he's been vengeful ever since) This went on for a short time, til I wised up and completely went NC. I stopped replying. I stopped going on that site for a while. He was recently banned for efighting on there. lol (Gee, it's not me he just hates...lol) He was banned a few weeks ago too. lol Guess the guy never learns. Now? He has no way of communicating with me, unless he wants to lower his pride and text me. He hasn't. And he probably thinks I'll text him. I have not and will not. I'm done with the guy. I'm involved with someone else, and happy. But, I just wanted to throw out there that sometimes, they ''hoover'' in odd ways. Not always looking to get back together with you. They may want revenge. They may want supply, because they realize the grass wasn't greener after dumping their partner. Whatever it might be. They will ''pop up'' sometimes, when you least expect it. So, you have to be vigilant with NC. Because they don't care about boundaries. They say mean things, and then circle back around...a week...a month...a year later...acting like everything is fine. In short--they're all the same...their desire to control another human being supercedes logic. Just stay NC! :=)

#5 May 30 - 6AM

onwithmylife

trying2heal

I went with mine for 15 years, he always returned, maybe it varied, weeks, months sometimes,,now he will never return, it has been 2 years and we have exchanges some letters, at my instigation. He will never return because I now" know who he is and am onto him." When i asked for more equal treatment in the relationship that was the end. Before that when we got back together, after breaking up with me for the millionth time, I had unwittingly told him, I met a man for coffee from a dating website so he immediately in his warped world thought I was cheating. They are real cowards if they think you know who they are.He has not responded to my last few postcards asking for closure, so he is done with me, lonely old man, full of rage and anger, how sad.

#6 May 30 - 7AM (Reply to #34)

Susan32

Equal treatment

The teacher/student relationship is inherently unequal... and one is an authority figure, till graduation. The ex-Psych prof couldn't bear the thought of having to give me equal treatment. It's no wonder that during the final D&D he said that sometimes teachers&students remain teachers&students FOREVER, or that sometimes they become friends. (He thought there was supposed to be a waiting period between being teacher/student and being friends) The final D&D came when I asked for equal treatment, for honesty, for RESPECT. The ex-P had dangled friendship (not romance, not marriage) with the intention of never following through. I think he feared the loss of authority more than anything else. He couldn't stand treating his colleagues as equals-he'd give the silent treatment if they called him by his first name. He couldn't stand treating his students as equals. He was condescending&patronizing towards me during the final D&D, and let's just say that whenever I've broken NC, I've been condescending towards him. Compared him to a tantrum-throwing toddler. Called him by his first name. Of course he hasn't contacted me in 11 years.... he knows I know what he is. And I'd DEMAND equal treatment&respect.

#7 May 30 - 12PM (Reply to #35)

Sooziel4

Simply put

Mine said his philosophy was "woman get in the truck and shut up" and laughed. Every time I told friends, family the outrageous things he said and did they would say "he's and asshole" This is without talking to each other. He was proud that he was the "world's last big asshole" because you get a lot more from people that way. He said he was older and didn't have to care any more. He would go up to people (especially women) and just say anything he wanted. He got a lot of attention and just loved it.I was afraid he would get in trouble or hurt, now I wish he had. It was always mixed in with the right amount of charm so he came across as a "party guy" without the party going on. Well, he was the party! He was a genius at getting attention and he must have loved the danger of being on the edge with it. One day he ran a stop light in front of a police office who was on the sidewalk and talked his way out of a ticket. He told me "next time this happens you look at the office and smile and don't look down like that. You would never make it in sales!"

#8 May 30 - 12PM (Reply to #36)

Susan32

Getting attention

The ex-Psych prof didn't mind the a-hole image, when I called him out on it in the end. Honestly, he wanted to be HATED. He felt so impotent when I told him I didn't hate him;I hated his behavior, not him. Most garden variety Ns LIKE admiration, playing the hero... they like being liked while dishing out BS to their loved ones. My former Narc boss wanted desperately for people to like him.... even if he treated his employees like cr@p. I had a Narc coworker who kissed butt so the management was at his mercy... he loved being considered a big fat baby (he was 300 pounds, massively obese) He'd play all nice&sweet to his superiors, but he treated his coworkers terribly, from dropping his pants in the kitchen, putting his dentures on the counter (he was nearly 40 at the time, lost all his teeth to meth), and demanding grape juice. He got away with A LOT because he knew who to charm&who to torment. My Narc grandmother got along great with people at church, she was a lector-but she D&D'd my whole family recently with an impulsive move back here to California. She's always talked about having a one woman show (she was a Rockette, she was an actress) NORMAL Ns, like the rest of humans, like being liked, like admiration. The ex-P didn't mind being hated. He compared himself to Pierre in Tolstoy's "War and Peace", saying that like Pierre he was anti-social&ostracized himself from society. At the end of "War and Peace",Pierre's wife, Natasha, has ostracized herself from society, let herself go, and become fat&rude. His behavior had pushed away his colleagues, and the final D&D was so public&ugly, it didn't endear him to them. The ex-P once said "You draw people to you. I drive people away." One of the few times he was being *HONEST.* He wanted to emulate Leo Tolstoy. Some say that Tolstoy, because of his solidarity with the peasants&his hatred of pretentious society, avoided his literary circle. I think the shunning was on both sides. Dostoevsky, Tchaikovsky, and Anton Chekov practiced NC with Tolstoy. Tchaikovsky even changed the routine of his daily walk so he'd avoid Tolstoy (well, who here CAN'T identify with that, and he's the genius behind "Nutcracker" and "Swan Lake") Tolstoy would brag to Chekov&Ivan Turgenev how his wife Sofia was his sex toy, at the mercy of his great appetites-that repulsed them. Chekov lived 3 blocks away from Tolstoy, and basically avoided him. He lived in a duplex, yet he didn't know his next door neighbors. I'm not incredibly close to my neighbors, but I know who they are&how they're doing. The ex-P wanted CONTROL more than he wanted attention. He wanted CONTROL more than admiration or hatred. He lived out Sam Vaknin's phrase that Narcs love being hated. I doubt he minded that his students despised him... I think he got off on it.

#9 May 30 - 7AM (Reply to #33)

jackguy

thank you trying2heal

thank you for this sentence trying2heal - "When i asked for more equal treatment in the relationship that was the end". That is PRECISELY what happened to me and it helps to hear someone express it so clearly.

#10 May 29 - 8PM

Puzzle

"Do they always return?"

Mine is the same. He has not contacted me, but he gets little contact with me at work each day. I just talk to him like a stranger whenever he approaches me. I have noticed he has been making a lot of excuses to come into my building, since he wouldn't normally be in there so often. I like you thought I would hear from him a text message, email or something. I have heard nothing from him regarding our breakup or relationship. They are experts at patience, silent treatment. It is something they can do for weeks even months. I don't think I will get the text or email I am waiting for. Sick I know, but I want him to feel something, miss me....anything. He is like a machine. I don't know how they do it. Like all of the other girls on here I want him to know what he is. I want to send him a link to this website and say here you go, here is a site dedicated to the kind of creep you are. I want to call him a Narc, unveil the truth but his caustic words will spit more at me than I could ever spit at him. When I think about contacting my N, I weigh up how his words will shake me to the core, they always have a way of undoing me and leaving me in a soaked pile of tissues doubting my decision to leave. I am starting to think he has another source, what other reason is there for their silence?

#11 May 30 - 12PM (Reply to #31)

Sooziel4

You are still in the waking up phase, keep going

Narcs ALWAYS have another source or are working on one. Consider that a given. Mine would leave for work trips and spend the night with an "older lady friend of mine" near the airport coming and going. She was like "family" but jealous of other women so I couldn't meet her. I sent mine Alex Nouri's "So you're in love with a Narcissist". I told him I knew it wouldn't penetrate him but I needed to send it for closure. I haven't regretted it. So much of what was in there was exactly what he did. He will never see it. Narc's can't. I wanted him to know what I thought of him anyway and I told him never to contact me again. He said, Oh, you want to hurt me now, no fury like a woman scorned. He got that much. I don't believe you can really get the best of them, make them pay for what they did to you and it is a waste of life to try. Get it out and move on and NC.....forever. There are many nice people waiting to know wonderful you!

#12 May 29 - 8PM

SoaperGirl

So far, not a peep from him

It's been 13 weeks (97 days) since the breakup. So far, not a peep from him. Of course, he's been cozy with the OW during this time, so I have no idea what to expect. I'm thinking I won't hear from him. I'd be very surprised. I was just thinking tonight, I'm getting comfortable not hearing from him. Not hearing or knowing anything about what he's doing now, has been been a blessing. Sometimes, I've wanted to know things, but he's keeping a low profile, so I'm not going to complain. I'm getting stronger!

#13 May 29 - 8PM

cowgirl1

I just asked the same thing!

I just asked the same thing! I am feeling super good and strong, I am just waiting for it too. I exposed my N on many levels and have not heard a thing, it has only been 2 month but it feels like an ominous cloud waiting. They are patient, and I just want to ensure I am strong enough not to break. I am betting he WILL come back in one way or another, but I am assuming he (as has yours too) has been hovering, checking on my "condition" silently waiting for the right time and for his new source to be sucked dry. Be ready, and love YOU! Im there with you...I would love to ignore mine too, but I would love to just forget him...someday! :)

#14 May 17 - 1PM

Happy1

Just be prepared in case he

Just be prepared in case he does contact. Get your walls ready.

#15 May 17 - 12PM

dudette

I bloody hope not

I am not counting on it and I live my life on the assumption that he will never dare... because above all he is a bloody coward If he does he will get the reception he deserves....

#16 May 17 - 7AM

NinjaGirl

"Do they always return?" If

"Do they always return?" If mine knows what's good for him, he won't. I blocked him on Facebook and responded coldly to a probing email he sent me the day after I blocked him, and I think he got the message from that, because I went from trying to get him back to being completely silent. I think he knew that if he pushed it and tried to remain friends I would have bitten his head off or exposed all his transgender shit to his family and friends, and that's something he was scared of. He knew I was angry, and he wisely backed completely off.

#17 May 17 - 7AM

Deidre40

I think in the beginning it's

I think in the beginning it's natural to 'want' them to return. In normal relationships, when someone effs up...he/she apologizes...and maybe there is an attempt at a healthy reconciliation. Maybe. If there isn't a chance of getting back together, normal couples can still find some closure. Maybe not right away, but normal people don't play games, silent treatment, stalk, etc...like these nuts do. I broke things off with mine, and to me? He is interested in hurting me at this point. His hoovering, if that is even the word for it...is more like baiting. He wants me to hurt. He longs for me probably to beg for him back...so he can tell me to stuff it. lol No such luck, bub. I do not want this clown back. That said, in the very beginning, I wanted his attention. I think it's natural to wonder if you meant anything to the person. If there is silence, and never hear from them again, like stories I have read on here, it makes you wonder. But, the silent treatment is also abuse. And when the victims break NC and contact them...it gives them power. Gives them a high. Sick sick sick. So, there's nothing special about hoovering. It's not a flattering thing in an attempt to share with us their undying love. No. It's quite the contrary. It's either for them to get supply...or because they want revenge. Mine wants me to hurt. I have broken NC a few times...not necessarily out of weakness, I had my reasons. He would bait me to text...then, I would...then, he'd insult me and order me to never contact him again. lol And he is still trying this approach with me. But, I'm done. I'm off the website. I've blocked him where I need to. Haven't changed my number yet...don't feel the need. I just won't reply if he reaches out. But...them returning has more to do with them, not us.

#18 May 30 - 9AM (Reply to #24)

Susan32

Power

I dealt with the same things-- after the final D&D and meeting his girlfriend (who had moved in with him), the ex-Psych prof was BEGGING me for my home address/phone number once I moved off-campus. Needless to say, I gave the usual ambiguous answers. "I live in town"-that's the answer I gave him. I honestly think he sabotaged my teacher education program at UNM because he had been one of my professional references (it didn't get sabotaged till I had been in the program for awhile)... so I have NEVER made him a professional reference again. I don't trust him. He stopped crank calling me my senior year... because he didn't have my number. "When victims break NC, it gives them power"-It depends on what you say. Whenever I was happy, the ex-P AVOIDED me. If I was on the phone with him, he'd be the one quickly ending the call. He REALLY didn't like it when I was happy. My happiness was supply he did NOT want. If he thought I was laughing at him, he'd run off. The senior skit mocked him. Yes, it called attention to him... but it was attention that sent him running. He wasn't going to stick around for the mockery. He couldn't stand it when I talked about my accomplishments. NOW- he liked being around me when I was negative. When I was weeping, desperate for his attention, needy, angry, jealous--then he WANTED me. He was attracted to negativity. The LAST thing an N/P wants to hear is that you're happy&healed. For the ex-P, regaling him with my happiness was the equivalent of practicing NC on him. That's how he'd act. If I told him happy stories of family vacations... I'd be practically boring him to death. When I last broke NC in '09, he probably wrote me off as a "boring" person... I could've been writing for the Convention&Visitors' Bureaus for California&Massachusetts. The ex-P wants me to hurt. The last time I broke NC, it was to write about a super-fun vacation to Boston... yeah, that ain't pain. Probably hurt him more than me.

#19 May 17 - 9AM (Reply to #22)

peace11

So..

I hate to admit but.. one of the reasons i have NC is cuase it give me control. :/ I feel like if i do respond to a text or pick up the phone he will take control of the convesation and manipulate everything i say or text. I like having the control of "you fucked up and im not talking to you". Am i giving him the silent treatment? like a Narc would? eww

#20 May 29 - 9PM (Reply to #23)

empath

peace11 - the silent treatment

Going NC is taking control. It is taking control of your life and your sanity back from the N. I would say it is and it isn't "the silent treatment"...as defined and employed by the N as a tactical move. When we use NC, it is because we have reached a point of desperation where we acknowledge having to save ourselves by cutting off all communication with our abuser. When an N uses the silent treatment, it is done as a form of abuse, to "punish", diminish and devalue the offending party who has "upset" the N. When we do, it its a defensive move, designed to protect us. When they do it, it's an offensive move, designed to hurt us. When either we or the N do it...it is done out of self-preservation. That you feel that perhaps you are behaving like an N. by calling your NC the silent treatment, or by getting some kind of gratification out of maintaining NC...well, I think just your awareness to think like that proves you are NOT an N and are not in any way N-like, and if you really truly do feel you are being controlling and sending a message to him that he f*cked up...well, I don't think there's anything wrong or to be ashamed of about that. After giving away our power for so long, it may feel very strange and uncomfortable to us to take it back as quickly and as drastically as we are able to do with NC. Do not beat yourself up or question yourself over your treatment of him...I guarantee you the N. is not thinking like that about his treatment of you. Regardless of your feelings, you know you must maintain NC in order to heal. The end result is the same...silence from you. It doesn't matter WHAT we feel on our end; to the N it never did. The N does not think as we do, and he may interpret your lack of a response in a variety of ways...none of which are likely to be accurate in reality. Don't worry about how you are behaving towards him. Be concerned first and foremost for how you are behaving towards yourself, and be gentle, compassionate and patient with yourself, while you heal. (((hugs)))

#21 May 17 - 6AM

Bitter-sweet

Ns- the return...

We all dream of revenge but I wouldn't hold your breath. Mine came back out of the blue after 25 years of silence. I didn't know he was an N the first time...my mistake!

#22 May 17 - 7AM (Reply to #20)

wacaet

you know, I'd never thought

you know, I'd never thought of it that way but that's what mine did, he waited 22 years to hoover again! (like you I didn't know he was an N, I thought he was just an immature boy, turns out he's STILL an immature boy)

#23 May 17 - 3AM

michele115 (not verified)

I've read generally they return in the form of a Hoover

But it is not a real return, just a power move. In my case however, he never returned on his own...I think I initiated whatever contact post break-up that took place. I have never gotten an apology, he moved on 1.5 months later if that without batting an eyelash or missing a beat. Since he secured AMPLE and I mean AMPLE as in size...supply, don't think he'll be returning for a hoover. A hoover or "return" however could take years...I've heard 20 in some cases. From what I read, they never let go, cause you are property...like an OBJECT...they don't love you but once in a while when bored or in need of supply, they feel they have "exclusive" right to "use" and "exploit" So, whether he returns or not, it won't be genuine and your biggest blessing is if he never does. Hugs!

#24 May 17 - 3AM

Disillusionedx2

he will but...

Narcs almost always follow the same pattern, including returning for residual supply, even after you exposed them (I did) even after you ask them not to (he returned anyway) but, you may not have the reaction you think you will have, be prepared for him to throw you off guard because you never know when he's going to make contact. If you really want to hurt him, make it so he can't contact you at all, even though you plan to ignore him, just block him at all avenues, this will hurt him even more, but then again, who want's to play the crazy N game? eventually you won't care one way or the other, best wishes!

stay~strong

#25 May 16 - 11PM

beamoflight

((sigh))

I have always been the one to break the NC. Funny though, I was never met by anger. Almost relief I was still around. Ouch!

#26 May 16 - 8PM

wacaet

I emailed mine's OW, his ex

I emailed mine's OW, his ex OW and his wife and my husband told him (via voicemail) to never contact me again and told N that he (my husband) knows where N lives and works. N then texted an apology to my husband "I'm sorry man, I really fuuuucked up" and "I'll not send anything else" so, we'll see. I hope that was enough to keep him away. He didn't try to contact me after I saw him while driving a few weeks ago. If he does, I will delete, delete, delete.

#27 May 16 - 7PM

SoaperGirl

My last email to my narc - what i sent him - no response rcd

I think some of Fri, 05/06/2011 - 17:36 — onwithmylife them may become hermits, mine is done, I am pretty sure, late 60's with ED problems, what does he have to offer, lots of anger and rage, he is done. Sounds like my narc Fri, 05/06/2011 - 17:57 — SoaperGirl Couldn't help chuckling. Sounds like my narc - late 60's and with major ED problems. Except for the latest poor soul he's hooked, I think Brent is pretty well done too. He might as well hang it up. He's getting older and uglier every day especially since he no longer has my life force to infuse him with vitality. He could easily pass for 85 or 95 years old. I wouldn't want to touch him now. He's looking downright disgusting and repulsive in fact. He might as well put a gun to his head and get it over with. But then, he's not going hurt the only person that matters to him. Totally self-absorbed bastard.

#28 May 16 - 7PM

Hunter

He'll be back, When is the

He'll be back, When is the surprise Hunter

#29 May 16 - 6PM

MandyM

I haven't heard from my ex in

I haven't heard from my ex in months. I had written him one last e-mail a few months after he walked out of my life with no explanation, and I told him how I hadn't deserved that, he'd hurt me so badly both by doing that and then by refusing to even acknowledge he'd done it when I'd kept asking him what was going on, and that all he'd had to do was be honest with me. I got a few sporadic "what's up?" e-mails after that e-mail, but of course he never even acknowledged receiving it, and I finally deleted him from my FB and haven't heard from him since. I believe now that he left because I eventually started standing up to him, calling him on his BS and his lies, not letting him get away with his treatment of me. I wasn't easy. I didn't just let him do what he wanted. And when he left, I didn't chase him. Because of that, I don't know if he'll ever come back. I think I'm one of the few that ever held him accountable and went so far as to cut him out of my life after he pulled his disappearing act. My ex is definitely a coward.

#30 May 16 - 6PM

onwithmylife

trying2heal

they totally disappear it you EXPOSE them,like I did in a kind way with mine, I 'was on to him' and I think he knew that, but that was a nono, I was expressing to him i wanted a more equal relationship but expressed too much independence, I was dismissed by him,his lordship, before that he came back several different times and like a fool took him back each time.I never even c all him a name or a narc, as I did not know what that really was!

#31 May 16 - 5PM

strongerthanever

I haven't heard from the exN

I haven't heard from the exN in 2 yrs. I exposed him and yet, I have caught him driving by when there is no reason to be on this side of town. I dont think he has the balls to contact me because I know too much. I am friends with his ex-college friend he destroyed too. So...if he does, it'll be out of complete desperation. I would be very much surprised if he does. I have psychic readings and some have told me yes they do see him trying. One lady said 2 times and another, with no information from me, told me that she felt he was not happy after he married this OW pretty quickly and he was wanting to come back. Whether that was her picking up on some deep wish on my part, don't know. I only wish he would so I can let him have a piece of my mind. But, we know that doesn't work. They just dont get it. I do feel he thinks of me and misses me but not on a deep level. His range of emotions is not there. It is more like missing that car you had in high school that had a cool stereo system and the many road trips you took. That kind of memory these N's have. It is more of a "posession" memory and missing. The exN did contact this ex-college friend after 8 yrs of silence. He did go down his list of supply and when he contacted her, he was talking about the "good times". She even told me that he totally ignored the "bad times". I think they will always try at some time and when their supply gets low and he has burned many, many bridges.

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