Do I warn her about him?

17 posts / 0 new

#1 Mar 17 - 11AM

JRB123

Do I warn her about him?

Hi there - my recent experience with a narc was only an online experience via facebook. I made facebook friends with a dad at the school. It started off as just innocent chats but he escalated it to include winks, flirty chats, kisses, flattering me etc. I hadn't found him attractive but after communicating with him I got a crush (I now realise this was based on fantasy). So I had feelings for him. Then he got me live on chat and made sexual comments and was quite lewd and that was it - the devalue and discard happened - I never heard from him again. I was actually really hurt and also found it hard to deal with guilt as we are both married, even though nothing 'real' had ever happened. The more I find out about him the more I can see he is a narc. He likes to be centre of attention and has women flocking around him and his conversations are only about himself. He obviously didn't consider any feelings I may have had at all. However I have had to see him as his son and my daughter are at the same school. But I'm doing a good job of avoiding him and am NC apart from having to see him. I unfriended him on Facebook. He often parks outside my house, he looks in my direction often, yesterday he came over to where I was and smiled and I quickly just said ' have to go' and got away as fast as I could. Well after he devalued and discarded me he started to comment on my friends facebook all the time. She is another mum who I am the most friendly with in the class. Initially I wondered if he was trying to get to me by doing this. I have never told her about any of what happened between him and me. So every time she writes a comment on FB, he comments back. He also chats to her in the playground.I don't know if they chat live on FB. Anyway I went out for a drink last night with her and she mentioned him loads. She kept on talking about him. I thought ' oh no!' is he doing the same to her now by flattering her. This is how it started with me. I kept on changing the subject and she would return to him. She didn't say anything about any feelings but it was weird how she kept mentioning him. I am wondering if she may have a crush too - she is also married. She obviously likes him. Now the dilemma is - do I tell her what happened to me? Do I warn her against him? Do I just keep quiet and try and move on from all of this? She is a lovely lady and I wish he'd just leave everyone alone. It's like he's trying to be superstud of the mums and play games with them. Today he parked right outside my house again and I totally ignored him.

#2 Mar 17 - 10PM

michele115 (not verified)

Under normal circumstances

I usually advise keeping mum; however this scenario is different...this was a FB flirtation this was not a long drawn out disaster. I think in this case there really wouldn't be anything to lose to issue a warning. At this point you have nothing to lose either way. I wouldn't get into great detail, but if it could save someone pain and possibly losing their marriage *the other woman is married too right?* why the hell not? We usually advise against it because there are a lot of angles and motives and other stuff and we have to get away from the whole drama of it all. Usually when we want to warn it's for revenge, to get information or to excuse me..."Kick up shit" there is no motive here...the motive is out of concern. JRB is obviously well out of the loop. If the woman takes the advice or not that is another story. JRB, I wouldn't get into too many details with this woman because she might be taking the bait and deeper than you know but under the circumstances, I don't see anything wrong with a heads up before she falls deeper. Don't feel the need to get entangled...but maybe something like: "If I may, I have something to share you might want to know about...tell her briefly about your story...how as humans, sometimes we fall prey to temptation and for a minute you had a moment of weakness but you discovered...and he "appears" to have a pattern with doing such and such and you really have nothing to say about what she chooses to do with the information, but as a friend your conscious was bothering you and you thought she should know this before she made any further decisions and possibly jeopardized anything with her marriage" After that your conscious is clear. I'd also tell her that frankly, you really don't want to get into comparing notes or anything like that and there really aren't any questions you could even answer because it was a brief flirtation that raised flags for you and you backed off right away and you really do feel the need to move past it. End of story. That is my suggestion but I do realize I might be major league outnumbered. Hugs!

#3 Mar 17 - 6PM

helldweller

to warn or not to warn

Everyone's right. It's useless and, thus, just makes you feel worse in the end. Everyone I warned about him avoids me now. Even the three other women he was seeing at the same time as me talked to me for hours when I first found them. After the initial conversation they blocked my number. Every one of them. He obviously has told everyone I'm nuts, so it's every man for himself as far as I can see. Some poor souls will fall prey to him as I did. Some will never know the real him. I, too, have children that go to the same school as his foster child, so I see him (single at fifty four with his five year old foster child as bait) chatting up the single moms at school. I can write the conversations in my head as I watch him smile and chatter: "Why am I not married? Well, gee, shucks, I don't know. I guess I just haven't found someone who could really be a good partner and mother." I want to scream from the roof of the school what he really is, but I'd end up arrested and I've given up enough time for him already. As my mom always said, "I wish I could learn your lessons for you, but I can't." You can't.

#4 Mar 17 - 4PM

Susan32

Doesn't work...

I was warned by A MAN about the ex-Psych professor. This professor was an openly gay man... and apparently he and the ex-P had been physically/romantically involved for a brief time and it ended badly. The ex-P would call the gay prof a "man scorned." The gay prof referred to the ex-P as evil, tell me to NOT listen to him, and to not get any more involved. To his credit, I think I took the gay professor's advice seriously enough that I did NOT get romantically or sexually involved with the ex-P. I didn't warn the ex-P's girlfriend (despite the fact she worked at a museum down the street from my college) because I'd come across as jealous&wanting to wreck the relationship. I just kept my distance from the ex-P. The ex-P had lied about me before... so I'm not sure if his girlfriend already knew about me (while I didn't know about her) I would've looked crazy if I warned her. Or maybe I was so tired of the drama&wanted to move on so I didn't warn her. As a student, I felt it was none of my business. The girlfriend was an adult... she had given up her job in LA to be with him... it wasn't my business to interfere.

#5 Mar 17 - 4PM

JRB123

not now!

Hi - that is an interesting thought. In the early days I wished he was still talking to me on FB instead of her. However now I have been nearly 6 months of NC I can see him now more clearly for what he is. I feel more worried that she doesn't go through the pain I've just been through. It was just so strange she mentioned him so much last night. Hopefully she's stronger than me. I won't say anything. I think in the early days of NC if he had approached me I would have caved in. However when he approached me this week I couldn't get away fast enough. From what I understand about him is that he wants to be admired by many. He didn't have any consideration for my feelings at all! I know now my life is better without him in it! I just hope he doesn't mess with my friend as I care about her. Thanks for the replies. This forum has been such a help. I wish it had been here 15 years ago when I was in a real bad place due to another N experience

#6 Mar 17 - 3PM

gettinbetter

not saying this is this case with you

but I think some of us if we were being painfully honest with ourselves secretly want to warn the OW so they will leave the Narc and then Narc will return to us. If Im being honest many years ago I would say that would have been part of my motive

#7 Mar 17 - 3PM

prettypeeved

Unfortunately you can't. It's

Unfortunately you can't. It's agonising, especially if it's a friend who you can see getting all excited about the narc. Fortunately when this happened with a friend of mine, he found out pretty quickly what the narc was really like - it was just sheer dumb luck that it all worked out for the best, but you can't really interfere, just give them some general "don't let them mess you about" warnings without any specifics.

#8 Mar 17 - 12PM

momoya

NO

Not your job to warn others, even if your intentions are good it keeps you tied up in the Nworld and all that goes along with it. Next time he sits out front of your home call the police.

momoya

#9 Mar 17 - 7PM (Reply to #10)

OnlyChild49 (not verified)

Parking in Front of your Home

This isn't about telling your friend he's a N. I've been wrestling with that one for about 4 months. Even drafted an email because I didn't feel she deserved to go thru what I did. No, I don't know her personally. It is about the guy sitting in his vehicle in front of your home. It makes me very uncomfortable.......as in, why is he doing that?? I agree totally with momoya, call the police. He shouldn't be there at all.

#10 Mar 17 - 12PM

ABC0311

No.

Leave it.

#11 Mar 17 - 12PM

Hunter

This is easy, " NO " not

This is easy, " NO " not you're problem! You will look like a fool, she won't believe you! Idealk

#12 Mar 17 - 3PM (Reply to #7)

Damaged Goods

Ditto! She unfortunately

Ditto! She unfortunately won't believe you. She may just think you are jealous.

#13 Mar 17 - 12PM (Reply to #6)

JRB123

Thanks

Thanks - that's my gut feeling too. When she talks about him I just smile and quickly change the subject. I'll keep doing that and try and keep 'professional' and quiet about everything! Can't wait until the day when I stop thinking about this situation and it just won't matter any more - I'm sure it doesn't to him! I'm glad that it never got any further. I had a much more serious narc situation in my 20s and suffered with anxiety and depression for a while. Feeling strong now though! In fact if any man ever tries anything on again I will be total bitch from hell!!

#14 Mar 17 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

Happy1

Ideal is right on!! We could

Ideal is right on!! We could tell them absolutely everything that they've done and what has happened, but they won't believe a word you're saying. Think about where you were when with narc? Would you have? I wouldn't have listened.

#15 Mar 17 - 8PM (Reply to #4)

OnlyChild49 (not verified)

Listening to the Ex

You know, I think I would have. There's that power of suggestion thing. And I had previously dated an "angry" man for 2.5 years so was looking for anything out of order so to speak. As a result, I think I would have been more cautious instead of allowing myself to be swept off my feet and perhaps listened. Of course, it's easy to look back and say that:)

#16 Mar 18 - 2AM (Reply to #5)

ifinallygotit

I was warned

I thought she was a crazy jealous bitter alcoholic that he had a fling with. She said inappropriate things and tried to hurt me with some jabs and info about his sexuality - really offended me since he was my boyfriend and it was not necessary for her to tell me his habits or that she slept with him. Had she not had booze reeking from her pores at noon, and not tried to make me feel bad, I would have listened more. He abandoned her too, after he wrecked her car...But she did not even know how many children he had or whether they were boys or girls, so I thought she was just some bar lady he partied with before he met me. Turns out he really does abandon his closest and I think she was more than a brief affair or he would not have had access to her car - ugh. She was disgusting and the conversation was disgusting.But she did warn me and said that he always had multiple girlfriends... I never told him about the conversation. I kept the info to myself and watched him. We were pretty close then about 3 years ago...he also insisted I was his only girlfriend.Again my ego said he had finally met me, a "nice" woman and wanted to be monogamous now...He has been with some pretty tough looking cookies and I am not at all a rough lady. I am the only long term GF he ever had - Yay me, I got the honor of more abuse than anyone else...

#17 Mar 17 - 3PM (Reply to #3)

Damaged Goods

Me either. I was so

Me either. I was so different from his last gf. I was so much better for him. BARF! If I knew then what I know now.

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