DO I HAVE AN ILLNESS?

16 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 3 - 1AM

pebblez

DO I HAVE AN ILLNESS?

and i still feel like I love him. here are our e-mails for today ( after he called me & hung up on me) I copied and pasted-- just replaced our names. Please read and help!! why do i still feel like I wish I could "fix" it somehow? why do i still care? help me!!!! seriously!!! im losing myself in my thoughts.
---------------------------------------------------------
E-MAILS

(ME):
To follow-up on our last phone call this evening since you can't seem to speak to me with decency and respect I'm reverting back to e-mail as my only form of communication with you. I truly wish things were different but as a single parent I refuse to allow myself to be treated poorly, especially by my childs' father. I don't want him to hear/see me being upset and I certainly don't want him disrespecting women when he is older. If you need to reach me please e-mail me, no one deserves to be belittled. I have to set an example for my son. It shouldn't be this way.

Take Care
Pebblez

(exN/babydad):
Its really sad that you tell people stories & that they believe you because you pretend to be a victim of whatever case you choose you the day.. People as well as myself know that Ashton is the only one who is the victim & not you. Sorry that a normal conversation for you involves yelling, arguing etc.... Trying to have peace with you haven't been a walk in the park. On that note enjoy your night Pebblezâ€¦.

(ME):
I could care less about people- Baby is the only Person that matters to me. I choose not to be anyone's victim. Showing emotion when something hurts you is not a sign of weakness. As a mother I will always care. I don't call you nor ask you for anything in regards to Ashton and I shouldn't have to. My son is no one's victim either. As long as he is happy and loved I truly could care less what "people" think. Please don't waste time e-mailing me about "people" it won't get a response. I'm living my life by bible principles now so the tone,speech and actions that took place 3 months ago aren't acceptable now. If I said anything in a harsh tone I'm sorry but I don't live my life that way anymore and I won't allow Ashton to think its acceptable to treat people that way; Everyone deserves respect. I know you understand.

Goodnight.

#2 Jul 5 - 1PM

Briseis

After a long relationship

After a long relationship with a N, what love "feels" like is not love at all. It has been warped and twisted and sickened into desperate need. You yourself did not bring this "illness" with you into the relationship. The relationship with your N itself sickened you and made you "ill". You've been mindfucked and gaslighted and had your confidence and self esteem relentlessly attacked for years. OF COURSE you are "ill". And your N is the damn disease!! He's the infectious agent. Rid yourself. NC is the big gun antibiotic to cure you :) And no, he does NOT understand that everyone deserves respect. He cannot conceive of "respect", he is a narcissist. Stop trying to get him to treat you as if he were a normal person. He can't! He can't treat ANYONE normally. He is a narc. It is beyond his abilities. He can mimic "respectfulness" but cannot FEEL it. He can mimic "lovingness" but cannot feel it. Don't be fooled. He doesn't think normally, feel normally, or act normally. He is disturbed. He can only mimic and play act. How we get "ill" is by respecting them and treating them with loving kindness, by trusting them and being appalled when they don't act human. How we get well is by cutting them off (as much as possible when they are children) and telling ourselves over and over again this person is NOT normal. Listen to your sisters here :) NOT him. I know you are ((((hugs)))) and in your last letter to him I heard your strength and boundaries loud and clear.

#3 Jul 5 - 11AM

wholeagain

Try to remember

That for him, any attention is good, no matter if it's bad...so if you want to "win", silence is the weapon of choice and is what will lead to your regaining some equilibrium. I totally understand how tempting it is to engage and defend yourself, but what will drive him nuts is if he gets nada from you. I had to remind myself of that over and over for a while, but, once I started seeing him go crazy over my utter silence it started to make sense and I felt like I'd finally recovered a bit of my power. Hang in there.

#4 Jul 5 - 10AM

Lisa E. Scott

Pebblez

You've gotten some great advice here. Please remember, you did nothing wrong! It's not you! It's all about him. Hang in there and know you're not alone. xoxo

#5 Jul 3 - 5PM

Susan32

"Managing your emotions"

My ex-P played the SAME TRICK. My grandfather died not long before I started my freshman year of college (I went to his memorial over my Christmas break), and my ex-P thought that my emotions were weakness that I needed to "manage" them. He would tell my classmates DURING CLASS that I needed to "manage my emotions" and he referred me to the onsite therapist. Then he'd make jokes about me going to the therapist DURING CLASS because I needed to "learn to manage my emotions." It was gaslighting and crazy-making. He wanted my classmates to think I was nuts. This is a PROFESSOR we're talking about here. His callous and consciously cruel behavior was driving me to therapy. He'd make sure I was seeing the therapist. PURPOSEFULLY driving someone nuts then sending them to the therapist--there's something twisted about that. I have no pity for my soulless, emotionless ex-P. But for his students, my pity is boundless and infinite, because psychopathology is incurable and only gets worse.

#6 Jul 5 - 12PM (Reply to #11)

Goldie

Professors

Yes, one would imagine professors to be fair, open minded, honest,ect...however that has not been my truth. I worked at and attended college's on a couple of occasions and as a student and a co worker, I found many of them to be arrogant, self absorbed, sneaky, and full of it basically. Obviously, I am not saying ALL, there were some fabulous professors who were devoted and dedicated, as we all know and there were also the other type. You know, the narc's, who are NEVER wrong and if you cross them, they get nasty and mean. They are academics period, does not make them healthy, wealthy, or wise. Just means they know the world of intellect, not "emotions." Sorry, you were humiliated by a pompas ass, you deserve better. God Bless, Goldie

#7 Jul 5 - 2PM (Reply to #12)

Susan32

A misogynist psychopath, too

My ex-P professor treated male students MUCH better than the female ones. I assume he hasn't changed. And I assume he's been NC with me because his parents are living with him now, and raising his kids (not making this up, I found out 9 years ago--wow, talk about "back to the womb" with his Daddy and Mommy keeping him on a short leash)...and raising him. My ex-P also confessed (it was a rare moment of honesty,it was too weird to be one of his lies) that due to his lack of emotions, and being a psychopath, his parents took him to Worcester State Hospital. His lack of emotions scared them THAT much. I believe it. He went to college where his father was a professor... I think his parents were there to clean up his messes,and make reparations to his victims. They were the ones stuck with apologizing for his behavior. He laughingly claimed that he drove his maternal grandmother nuts...he very might well have done so. He told a story about how she accidentally grew pot in the community garden in Ohio, then got arrested. I think my ex-P was probably the one who sowed the seeds and got her in trouble. After graduation, I sent pleasant thank-you cards to ALL my professors, every single one of them, thanking them for their inspiration, kindness, understanding, etc....oh, except my ex-P. I wonder how THAT felt. I'm assuming my ex-P hasn't gotten better,only worse.

#8 Jul 3 - 9AM

AnotherPath

He hooked you where it

He hooked you where it hurts!! Its really sad that you tell people stories & that they believe you because you pretend to be a victim .......He's trying to turn the abuse into your problem and he's trying to be the victim. People as well as myself know that Ashton is the only one who is the victim & not you............ He's trying to look like "people" are in agreement with him. There are NO "people" he made it up, he's also trying to put guilt onto you about your son being a victim. Sorry that a normal conversation for you involves yelling, arguing etc......... he's not sorry and he's projecting and blaming you, making it out that you're abusive. Trying to have peace with you haven't been a walk in the park........... he's playing victim again and blaming you for being difficult. PROJECTION On that note enjoy your night Pebblez.......... He's hoping you'll have a shit night now and hopefully he will get a response from you so he can ignore you or project more shit your way. Shame you responded as you'll get nowhere in his game, he's playing with your head, unfortunately it worked. DON'T RESPOND AGAIN.

Ending the dance

#9 Jul 3 - 6PM (Reply to #7)

betty2020

I agree with Another. She

I agree with Another. She broke it down for you bit by disgusting bit. This is going to hurt. You will feel pain. You also need to be very grateful because it means you are human. You have a chance at a real life. He on the other hand does not and will never have a real life due to his NO CURE illness. Count your blessing that you are free and DO NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH THE MUTANT.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#10 Jul 5 - 3PM (Reply to #9)

imabloke

FREEDOM

The key word here i think is freedom. And yes it can happen to blokes too.. I've been where you are and God it hurts.. no closure etc. etc. and you think it must be me.. I recently posted a comment about 'the worst SHE said to me' search for it and you'll find it on this site. Its about how i proposed to my now ex. I got some great comments back. About how i was questioning my self 'perhaps i got the wrong champagne' perhaps i did this wrong etc. NO. I did nothing WRONG it was the WRONG woman. You've done nothing WRONG it's the WRONG man. Now i'm NC and finding my freedom again. Last weekend i went to a pop concert with my son we ran down the beach towards the centre stage and i was shouting to myself 'I'm free' I'm free of that awful manipulative person' I don't have to answer to 'that' anymore. I'm only at the start of my recovery - but my God it's a good start. Listen to the girls on this site because i can tell you from a blokes point of view they know what there talking about.Read all you can and equip yourself with knowledge. Knowledge is power. And silence can shout louder than words. I hope you do get to point of going NC and when do, there are people here to help you. Good luck.

#11 Jul 3 - 6PM (Reply to #8)

better off

Yep.. what's funny is how if

Yep.. what's funny is how if all the crap he was saying were true he would be quite happy not to talk to you and he wouldn't be spending his time writing these projections and garbage to you. If you say I don't want to talk to you, then he has to write a long letter saying well, I don't want to talk to YOU. They are all FOUR YEAR OLDS.

#12 Jul 3 - 2AM

happydaysahead

Pebblez

Please don't even try to talk to him/it. It will get you no where except mind f*cked !! You see ?? WE are always to blame and THEY are always the victims. These emails you posted says it !! We still have feelings cuz we are human and you are right, we do not deserve all of this. Most definitely, we do not deserve to be disrespected. I am fairly new to all of this as well. But one thing I have learned is that we can talk/beg/plead/cry/yell/whatever and it makes NO difference to them. They are always right and we will always be wrong !! I am a single mom too and I said the same things to him that you have. I don't want my son to grow up thinking this is the way to treat someone. All fell on deaf ears because once again, I was just being a bitch and blaming him for the problems that I caused myself. WHATEVER!! Hugs to you and hang TOUGH !! It will get better for you and your son, that I can promise you.

#13 Jul 3 - 2AM

NancyM

Hi pebblez

Oh you poor thing, I know exactly how you are feeling, especially being a young mother with a baby to protect, trying to break away from one of these types of men. Look all the stuff he has written is trying to put the blame all back on you but he is admitting that he is annoyed because obviously people have believed you. He will not admit you have any reason to be a victim because that would mean he would have to take responsibility for abusing you. He will NEVER do that. As for saying that your son is a victim, he is projecting everything back onto you and putting you on a guilt trip. NOT TRUE! My xN actually admitted to physically and emotionally abusing me, but he would refuse to admit that I was a victim of abuse??? Yeah that's the way they roll, nothing makes sense, and if you try to rationalize the irrational, it will drive you into crazy-land. Have you read the links on cognitive dissonance? I will find a link if you need, but it will explain why you feel the need to fix things. Have you been going to therapy of any kind? You do need help to deal with trying to stay away from this kind of man, and deprogram from the way he has hypnotized you into thinking. You are doing nothing wrong!! You are right to say you choose not to be anybody's victim, but he is still treating you like one. Hang in there ((HUGS))

Nevergoback

#14 Jul 3 - 7AM (Reply to #2)

pebblez

I sent this e-mail before I

I sent this e-mail before I checked the replies-- hopefully I can go NC again... (exN): Its sad how you can actually talk disrespectful on the phone but send a message like your innocent and I'm the one who was the problem.... I'm just glad someone else was here to listen to how you really are.... Truly wishing that you & your mother did get along better because you would have moved with her that night instead of me but we know how that went... Sent from my BlackBerryÂ® by Boost Mobile (ME): What a low thing to say. Unless that "someone else" has something to contribute to the welfare of our baby, spare me details of your personal life. My relationship w/ my relatives has nothing to do with you nor I playing our roles as a parent. As far as who or what was the problem, I take comfort knowing someone saw and heard everything that occured and was even thought of and he always reveals truth because he is truth. I prayed and asked for discernment and confirmation and you just gave it to me. I only want to be contacted about our child; don't e-mail me if its just to prove what you believe to be a point- Its not in me anymore to fight with you. Life is fleeting W.- hold on to the people you love and appreciate the ones that truly love you, those are so hard to find nowadays. Don't waste anymore time on things of little value. Try to have good day, Pebblez I'm willing to take any links to info or resources you guys have.

#15 Jul 3 - 8AM (Reply to #4)

agnesmurphy17

harangue

The point of it all is the "harangue." The going back-and-forth. The N will go back & forth with these dialogues for an eternity. Verbal abuse. Will always have to get the last word. Will always be right. Will always be the victim. I sense that as a mother you want him to do something for the child. To be decent. He will never be. He's really not that interested in the child. It's all about controlling you. Most of his interest in the child is as a means to control you. Be careful.

#16 Jul 3 - 7AM (Reply to #3)

NancyM

pebblez

Look you are in the middle of a dangerous game that you can never hope to win. Everything will always be twisted against you and he knows that you are going to spend so much time trying to figure it out. When you think you have, he will change the goalposts. You cannot win if you go looking for any type of validation. This is the hardest lesson to learn... THEY are NEVER going to GET it. And are never going to give you validation. This is why this board exists. Come here to let your thoughts out.

Nevergoback

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