Do I have an acceptance or anger problem?

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#1 Nov 15 - 11AM

spinning

Do I have an acceptance or anger problem?

I would so appreciate any input regarding tools for acceptance. I have read the Anger blog and found it most helpful, but I seem to be a little stuck. It's day 10 of NC and instead of feeling better I'm feeling worse, obsessive thoughts, trying to redirect them to me not him but being unsuccessful.

He D & D'd me via a succession of six text messages I received all at once when I turned my phone on after visiting my dying parent. I turned it off when he was trying to lead me into a crazy-making routine. Hours later when I left my parents I turned my phone back on and the messages came. To sum it up, he rewrote history, accused me of things, used gentlemanly language (like he did when I first met him) and signed off. After a few fuming minutes I tried to call (I know, I know, but I so wanted to let him have it!) and discovered I was blocked! This after a five year "relationship" with a person who systematically dismantled my life. I am having a difficult time with this, this feeling of total abandonment, his re-writing of history and my inability to give him a peice of my mind. I have wanted this "relationship" to end for almost two years, when I searched for explanations for his "personality" and found this site. He is classic N and I've known that if I didn't get out I'd be destroyed. In fact, this latest foray after ten days prior to the new 10 days NC feels exactly like that. Like he was trying to destroy me. I made the unfortunate mistake of agreeing to see him on Nov. 5 after 10 days of not. The next day, boom. The meeting was yet another attempt on my part to "manage" him. I did not fawn and did not have sex with him, which I'm glad about. This is a victory for me so why do I feel so bad?

Can anyone help at all with any thoughts, comments, tools to help shift the focus? I'm not sure what's on the other side of this hell because my life was slowly dismantled to revolve completely around him.

Thank you for listening.

(trying hard to stop) spinning

#2 Nov 16 - 9AM

fooled no longer

we all have anger and

we all have anger and acceptance problems. we are almost all sufferers or ex sufferers of PTSD after the mindless ramdom cruelty that all Narcs subject their partners to. From what I hear. it can go on for years, a festering wound that can never be cleaned out by resolution and closure, does just that, it festers. We try so hard to heal it but we never can.

#3 Nov 16 - 9AM

spinning

Thank you...

I know that I have to shift the focus and have been working very hard on it. I'm working my way down the steps, even wrote a good/bad list two weeks ago. The good is about five lines, the bad is two pages. I did this yesterday and again today with FACTS. I am trying everything I know and have learned to feel good about this new beginning I must face. Honestly, though, I feel like I'm staring into a void. Like I do not know who I am any more. Self-esteem has always been a problem for me and I am a bit of a perfectionist, unfortunately, which has led to other problems regarding self image, etc. These things are struggles that I attempt to overcome daily--with some success--but are with me always. I have been self-reliant for 9 years; before encountering this "person" who promised it all, I used to be much stronger. When I think about why this welcome dissolution feels so bad when it should feel good I can't answer that, and I guess that's why I'm finally posting. I've known I've had to stop this so-called relationship for quite some time. As some may have experienced, my support network is non-existant as I danced the dance to keep the peace and just stopped calling friends back. This was a slow process that I learned through fear. Some sort of fear of loss. He was there when I got home from work. Calling several times a day. Hovering always, always. He became the only "support network." (WTF!!) This was, I know now, by design. It always, always was "all about him," I now realize. And my fear of loss of what? Chaos? Heartache? The illusion... It took me three years to discover that I was dealing with a pathological liar and master manipulator. I am 53, but I am naive and idealistic. I didn't know about NPD until I started researching certain symptoms he displayed, etc. I have been worn out to just about nothing and am here to try to learn whatever I can to take the scrap of "me" that's left and try to build on that. Also, I'm mad as h&$# and want to destroy his a*! as much as he tried to destroy me. All these conflicting feelings... I am trying to shift the focus. The input and responses are helping with that, and I thank you all so much. When I read the responses and suggestions, it helps more than I can say. (trying hard to stop) spinning

spinning

#4 Nov 15 - 9PM

girlfriday

I would say that you are

I would say that you are having growing pains. I'm not sure HOW to shift the focus. It could take time. But I can tell you as someone who lost all her power to men who didn't deserve it, that instead of focusing on him, you should be focusing on YOU and should have been focusing on YOURSELF for all those years. You said yourself: "He brought nothing to my life but misery, lies, manipulations, confusion, more lies, self-blame and self-doubt. THOSE ARE FACTS, and they can't be changed or wished away." So I would suggest focusing on WHY you chose to stay with someone who brought so much misery into your life. I have learned that being in crazy-making N relationships is a great distraction from what we should really be focusing on. I hope this doesn't sound harsh or like "blaming the victim." If you don't see any truth or logic to it now, with enough healing, one day you will. I know it's hard to see the dismantling when it's right before your very eyes. I know it's easy to say all those years what a bastard he is, but we choose to stay. Why? I think they come into our lives to teach us something we need to learn. I finally learned it. I learned never to "fall" in love, but rather to grow into it. I learned never to give someone the power to "make me" feel up or down. Focus on what you need to learn. And I am truly sorry about your dying parent and his awful timing.

#5 Nov 16 - 6AM (Reply to #17)

onwithmylife

For Girlfriday

I,too, found your post very enlightening, i tend to focus too much on him, even after several years and need to do more on myself and WHY I stayed off and on for 15 freaking years of my life always trying to make it work. there is a certain stubborness in me in not being a quitter, but realize now I have to know when to stay in and WHEN to get out to protect myself more.I did learn a huge amount about myself from this disordered man, like to let up some control on my part as i saw how miserable HE was trying to control everything and everyone in his environment.The therapist I saw said the death of my dad at a young age, 14 years old, and not grieving over him while trying to help my mom through the ordeal, did play a huge part and i believe he is right.The last statements of yours are so powerful, I did give him all my power to make me feel happy or sad for that day depending whether he answered his phone or not and I even noticed it, but did nothing to change it. I love what you said about growing in love and not falling in love as well.I even learned new hobbies that I love now, thanks to the man, so while he did not grow one inch, I realize I grew by leaps and bounds and to always respect myself more.......

#6 Nov 15 - 1PM

Briseis

Spinning

This is cognitive dissonance. It is practically universal -- no, it IS universal amongst victims of Narc relationships. You have two strong thoughts (cognitions) that contradict each other in your mind at the same time. So you can KNOW you are finally free, and be relieved, and yet still feel bad, miss him, be obsessed and hoping he'll call. The "cure" for cognitive dissonance is to focus more on one side than the other. Seek out facts and experiences that reinforce the truth of one of the sets of cognitions. Often, you'll find that one of the sets is based more on feelings, wishes and hopes than any FACTUAL thing. He MIGHT be "different" this time, he might have learned his lesson. That was one of my favorites lol. More "facts" and truths support your convictions that he is bad news, has brought almost nothing but pain and suffering to your life, and now that you know he is a Narc (more facts) he is not going to "change" or "learn his lesson". He'll keep D&Ding you, and when he gets horny or lonely, he'll be back like Arnold Schwartzenegger.

#7 Nov 15 - 1PM (Reply to #14)

spinning

Thank you Briseis

Your posts are so helpful. I appreciate everyone's input and support. I have read about cognitive dissonance and should know it when it's staring me in the face. I am now armed to focus on the FACTS every time I begin a woeful revisit of this D&D. He brought nothing to my life but misery, lies, manipulations, confusion, more lies, self-blame and self-doubt. THOSE ARE FACTS, and they can't be changed or wished away. Thank you again. (trying to stop) spinning

spinning

#8 Nov 15 - 2PM (Reply to #15)

Briseis

Honey, I was a psychiatric

Honey, I was a psychiatric NURSE for 17 years and I didn't know an NPD/ASPD idiot when he was staring ME in the face. LOL, it doesn't work like that :) There are facts and there is experience. Experience is by FAR the more important learning mechanism. You can know "cognitive dissonance" inside and out, but until you experience it and name it as it is happening, you don't really "know it". So in case you are feeling silly or stupid, don't :) You are waking up inside these concepts :) And it is very powerful to do so :) They look and feel different when you wake up inside them, than when you read about them :)

#9 Nov 15 - 11AM

julia29

No sweety, you're having a

No sweety, you're having a normal and healthy reaction to something very unhealthy: Him! It's been 8 month since my narc left me, and I still gets angry. Be kind to yourself and don't try to suppress the anger. I have a cheap body lotion i throw across my apartment everytime I think of him. Hugs

#10 Nov 15 - 11AM

gettinbetter

Its what they do. They

Its what they do. They always have to have the last word and deny you closure. Spinning trust me I hope he doesn't unblock you but I'm afraid he will. This little maneuver is about domination and control. He's actually doing it to keep your head spinning there by keeping you in the game They rarely ever want to be truly rid of you I think your pissed as you well should as any normal person would be

#11 Nov 15 - 1PM (Reply to #9)

Alibi_10

If THEY go NC?

Why is it so painful when you know that it is the best thing that they cut YOU off. Have been really struggling with this because it appears that my N has cut me off, and I haven't had the chance to do it. I am SEETHING with him for doing this. It has made me physically sick. How does that happen when you know it's what is right? Spinning, I am so sorry that this has happened at such a time with your parent. I can relate to your situation. These guys are unbelievable.

#12 Nov 17 - 1PM (Reply to #11)

Briseis

Narcs don't go NC

NC is something only normal people are capable of doing. Your Narc is either punishing you or has another woman and has devalued and discarded you :( . You can cut him off at any time. Sick of it had gotten two or three weeks of the silent treatment from her Narc, and recently blocked him on her phone. THAT is going no contact.

#13 Nov 17 - 11AM (Reply to #10)

rosedewittbukater

I understand

Understand how you are feeling. Something like this happened to me. I became physically ill also. I think it is explained as cognitive dissonance. Two conflicting thoughts. I read about it on Lisa's blog. You want to leave him because you know you will be destroyed if you stay, but when they are the ones to leave it changes things and it seems like the final parting control maneuver, which can leave you in a world of pain, hurt and anger. I am sorry this happened to you. Try to take care of yourself right now and try to find a way to get the anger out. Everyone here says writing helps alot with this.

#14 Nov 15 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

ShaynasMommy

but YOU always get the last, final word...

When you go NC for good. And it absolutely, positively, unequivocably....dirves them insane(er).

#15 Nov 15 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

Used

ALIBI!) AND SPINNING

When you go NC for good. And it absolutely, positively, unequivocably....dirves them insane(er). COULDNT PUT IT BETTER MY SELF ,SHAYNASMOMMY....

#16 Nov 15 - 8PM (Reply to #8)

almostlydia

That's right! change your

That's right! change your number and go NC and turn the tables. Take control now. The freaking monster. Show him who has control over your life by changing your number or blocking him forever. I agree, he won't keep you blocked - it is too fun for him. What an asshole. Sorry. this makes me really pissed when I read it. So so sorry for you. almostlydia

almostlydia

#17 Nov 15 - 1PM (Reply to #7)

ShaynasMommy

Thanks, Used.

And it happens to be the God's truth. Why else would he label me as "Evil" so many years after the break up, when normal people would have moved on YEARS ago. Oh well, maybe it all goes back to that mirroring thing, after all. He knows I figured him out, and he can see himself through my perspective because of that. He sees that HE IS THE EVIL ONE, and has to project it back onto me. And through FACEBOOK, too. How cowardly.

#18 Nov 15 - 1PM (Reply to #4)

spinning

Thank you all...please know that

I am committed to NC for good. Have not tried to call him again, etc. It's what I wanted for some time—to be done with this sick, twisted relationship and this extremely disordered "man" who I allowed to dismantle my life. I vascillate at times from being so mad at myself for getting here and then say I shouldn't feel so bad about being a good person who tried so very hard to win acceptance, love, security, etc. at this horrendous cost. I don't even know who I am. This does not feel like a victory and as each day passes I feel more confused, second-guessing, etc. Whatever. I'm sick of obsessing and trying everything I know to shift the focus onto me but I don't even know what or who is there. I know this is the early stage of NC and know this parting shot was absolutely designed by him to make me feel so low and worthless. Five years. FIVE YEARS LOST IN THE FOG. When my parent got sick it changed everything. I knew I had to get him out of my life. I told my sister I was again going to do it and when I turned off my phone I meant it. Turn it on to the succession of "princely" messages then no avenue to tell him he's ABSOF*&$%NG-LOUTELY RIGHT. How do I make the victory mine, not his? He's the disordered one, not me, though I feel so sick inside. Thank you all for any help/advice. It lifts me up to read your thoughts and experiences. Sincerely (trying so hard to stop) spinning

spinning

#19 Nov 15 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

onwithmylife

Spinning

Make mine 15 years and a few months ago i sent him a letter askinghim to revisit his relationship with his mother and back came a hateful letter calling me a whore,slut,offering free sex on the internet, you know what, I treasure that LETTER because anytime i can sad or nostalgic for the days we were together I reread that letter and realize my life has been saved and it took me close to 2 years to recover from that monster, but I believe even though we haveme no closure, I got it from the letter, because he accused me of doing "cybersex in my desperate an d depraved condition", i think that is EXACTLY where he is NOW, thank you God...............................

#20 Nov 15 - 7PM (Reply to #6)

Janet

Going through it is just

Going through it is just hard and painful. BUT, what helped me get through the initial months of sheer hell and confusion was reading EVERYTHING I could find about Personality Disorders. Understanding that was really helpful in my not taking it so personally, which was a huge hurdle for me. Writing every night. Some lists of his monstrous behavior; lists of times he was so wasted; going through my childhood and writing down experiences that may have been traumatizing or at least would leave a child puzzled. And of course coming here. Peace. J

Peace. J

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