Divorcing the Narc

My N sent me divorce papers on our 5th wedding anniversary to start with!! We filled out a few financial papers and my N agreed to let me have full custody of the house till the divorce. Well, 5 months later I was tired of waiting for N to respond back. I ended up pushing to do mediation. So 1 day before mediation my N decides he doesn't have the money for mediation. We end up meeting at my attorneys office with N and his attorney. We arguued back and forth for a while but my attorney finally got him to agree to I get the house but he has to make payments to me on his truck each month. Well, he wasn't quite following through with those payments so I had to take him back to court. He now owes me even more money that I havent seen yet to see! Oh, and while all this was going on my N got another married women pregnant! They just had the baby but she is still married to this other man! Too much drama for me. Other than getting my payments each month I am NC with this man! Too much drama with these Narcs!

My divorce took 27 months to complete, and three lawyers. We started with collaborative (dumb, dumb me, thinking he would actually be honest), made some headway with mediation (which was supposed to be just a few hours, but lasted 10, with the mediator spending 75% of the time in HIS room). when the final decree was approved by both sides, he was unavailable to take it to court (he was petitioner, but only because he filed HOURS before I did, knowing I was going to do it and beating me to the punch). But my attorney met me at the courthouse and we walked around until we found a judge to prove it up, and got that damn thing finished. It was a marathon, not a sprint. How did I get him to agree? All I wanted was the state standard. That was my saving grace. I didn't ask for more than I should get, and didn't give more than I should give. He would literally tantrum like a toddler, and I would point to the black and white language that the state standard laid out and just repeatedly say "this is what I will agree to". And guess what? 27 months after saying "This is what I will agree to", I agreed to EXACTLY THAT. Go figure. In the meantime, he tried to go for 50/50 custody (but I kept a chart of the temporary custody we had set up (state standard, you guessed it), and all the times he didn't take the kids. So when he got blustery and all "I want them half the time", I was able to show his attorney and the mediator that he couldn't even take what he was given. He wanted to pay the minimum child support, but I had bank records going back 5 years and was able to show the attorney and the mediator that he has the money, he just covers and hides it well. He wanted all the furniture, all the artwork, all the kids' stuff, all my jewelry. He even wanted me to change my name back to my maiden name. He wanted a 30/70 split in the equity of the house, saying that because I was a SAHM I owed him for the years I wasn't working and he paid the mortgage. I held firm because the state splits equity down the middle. Thankfully, the debt was in his name (with credit cards I didn't know existed), so we were able to squirrel our way out of taking half of that. It was a tooth and nail fight, very dirty, very threatening, and still very ugly, even months after it being finalized. I started dating during this two year pending divorce separation, and he considered that infidelity. He went so far as to subpoena my boyfriend and steal my iphone (then sent it to a forensics lab) to find evidence that we were together before our separation (we weren't, so he was out even MORE money trying to prove a point that wasn't even valid). The entire time my therapist worked with me weekly to let it roll off. To see that all of this was his way of losing control. He would pitch a fit, I would begin to catastrophize, she would remind me that he always started out big, had his tantrum, and the result would be very minor if anything at all. There were battles that I chose to not fight (money he owed me, theft of my iphone and jewelry) in order to focus on the important ones (custody, child support). I saw it as "if it cost me my diamonds to get away from him, it's a price worth paying". I'd like to say it's better now that we're finalized, but it's just as bad. We're taking him to court for failure to comply with a few decreed responsibilities, and that's been a huge PITA. He still makes comments about my boyfriend and I, is very verbally abusive in our text and email exchanges, and routinely tells people at our kids' school and elsewhere that we divorced because I cheated on him. He's a very sad, sick man, and daily he reminds me why I am no longer with him. Keep on keeping on, as they say. He can't refuse to get a divorce, and the more he shows non-compliance the better it will look for you if you have to go in front of a judge. The BEST way were able to get him to suddenly respond or cooperate was to file court hearings. It was always (and I mean ALWAYS) the night before we were to appear in court that he would capitulate on the issue at hand. He would accuse me of overreacting by involving the courts, but he proved repeatedly that this was the only way he would be an active participant, by avoiding court. Good luck to you. It's exhausting and draining. But keep going, one step at a time. You'll make it.

I can't offer much help here because although I did divorce N. There was nothing to split. I could have gone after monies he owed me....but it wasn't worth it.......he used owing me something as a way to drag it out.... In the end I told him it was easier to walk away with nothing than to suffer another minute with him.....he wasn't worth the fight......N injury much ?..... : )

Whether you are divorcing a PD or not, the other party does not always take to it and agree to what you want. Are you talking about mediation issues? That he is not agreeing to your terms? This is not uncommon in many divorces. Some fight you at every turn and some just go along with it, seek mediation, and split everything in half. Money issue's, custody issue's, can bring out the worst in anyone. You need to pick your battles, and let it go where you can, and be firm when you need to be, depending on the particular issue. As I recall from your story, did you not have attorney issue's? You need to be firm with your attorney as well, they work for you, whether they like it or not, this is the law and they can be disbarred if they pull any shady shit. So tell your attorney precisely what it is you want and do not sign anything that is not how you want it to be. Otherwise, if they are not working in YOUR best interests, tell them that it is a conflict of interest and you will report them if they do not work for your best interests. Hope this helps, not quite sure what you are asking though, because I'm not sure if you are talking about property division, assets, custody issue's, ect... God bless, Goldie

Division of stuff? kids? Tell me what you need besides him signing papers.