Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.
Being a domestic violence survivor is quite a job, but navigating the system to secure your safety can feel like a life sentence.
You expect the system to “protect†you and your children. And when you see your case and your cause given lip service over actual remedy-providing service, you wonder, “why?â€
You think if you just try harder or communicate clearer with your divorce lawyer, then your case will be brought before the court. And this will provide you with the expected remedy of bringing a halt to your opposition’s ongoing abuse to you.
All the while, your opposition and counsel are planning the next move. What can they do to silence you and your established or alleged victimization?
Here are two common and customary ways perpetrators attempt to silence domestic abuse survivors. You will want to know these strategies well before they are underway, if you expect to end the abuse to yourself before it spirals out of control.
1) Back you into a fraudulent criminal charge.
2) Fabricate your mental illness.
Sounds simple, doesn’t it. Well, it is. These two methods are as old as prostitution and they are very effective in silencing your victimization.
The sooner you know about these classic methods of discrediting and silencing victims of domestic violence, the better you will be able to detect them in their early stages of development and block them from being your next headache.
If you are a domestic abuse survivor, you will want to know all you can about how the system works, and doesn’t work, in order to best protect your children and yourself as you seek remedy for domestic violence.
http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/crazy_making.php
by John Bertschler, PhD, Mediator, Psychologist
Don’t do it! That’s what most of us learned in mediation training when it comes to divorce cases in which domestic violence (D.V.) has been identified.
In February, 2003, the Supreme Court of Ohio, Cleveland Mediation Center, and local Domestic Violence Center co-hosted training for mediators and other professionals which
suggested there might be a little “wiggle room†in that hard-and-fast rule.
In this training, we learned:
1. The dynamics of D.V. are insidious, sometimes subtle, and very difficult to alter. They also pose dangers to victims which can threaten their lives, well-being, and financial and
family security.
2. Although it may be possible to mediate some issues that occur in a relationship in which D.V. is present, the violence itself should NEVER be negotiated. D.V. is a crime and should be treated as such.
3. Any family or divorce mediation case should include some screening procedure to rule out D.V. This may include questions such as, “When you fight, are you ever scared?â€
Questions should be asked in private rather than in the presence of the other spouse, for obvious reasons.
4. In the course of a mediation, there may be more “sidebars†than in other cases. This gives the mediator the chance to explore concerns, to get information that may not be
otherwise forthcoming, and to ask permission to pursue a particular strategy, e.g., “Is it OK with you if I suggest such-and-such to your spouse?â€
5. The victim of D.V. must be protected, to the best of our ability, both during and after mediation sessions. Two ways to do this are with judicious referrals and by building a safety plan into the mediation.
6. One specific way of protecting clients may become legally required if the Supreme Court changes its “Rule 16†which governs the practice of mediation with court referrals. If
these changes are passed, disputants/clients who are referred by courts would be legally allowed to have present in mediation an advocate or support person. Some mediators already allow this, helping to ensure that all mediation clients are safe and that decisions arising from mediation are not coerced in any way.
In many cases, victims of domestic violence should not be considered for mediation.
However, some women who have received intensive counseling, have become strong enough to face their battering spouses and/or are weary at how much time is involved in the traditional divorce litigation process, are good candidates for divorce mediation and are in fact opting for mediation. Domestic violence certainly complicates mediation. But a competent mediator who understands the dynamics of D.V., includes a D.V. assessment into the process, and builds safety
plans into the negotiations, can serve both parties well. In this way the divorce or dissolution can be completed safely, quickly, and fairly.
John Bertschler is co-owner of Independence-based Northcoast Conflict Solutions and can be reached at (440) 262-3700.
Divorcing A Narcissist – 4 Tips For Leaving Successfully
By: Gen Wright
Going through the process of a divorce is not easy, and rarely pleasant. It is a huge loss to be dealt with emotionally, and there are many practical considerations to be managed as well. There are issues surrounding the loss of an ideal picture of marriage and family, the breaking of a commitment, the loss of the intimate relationship you once shared with your spouse, financial issues, living arrangements, the impact on mutual friends and family members, and of course the effects on your children. Unfortunately, if your spouse is a narcissist, these issues can become even more contentious and difficult to settle.
Chances are, you are getting a divorce because your partner continually commits bewildering, confusing, and destructive acts. When the divorce becomes a reality, it is likely that the gloves will come all the way off and you will experience even more hurtful behavior. Lacking in empathy, and not receiving the accustomed "narcissistic supply," (admiration and attention) from you anymore, you might be discarded as worthless to the narcissist and any façade that your spouse put up to keep you in the relationship may drop. It is important to stay as collected as possible in this situation, and stay as focused and unengaged emotionally with your spouse as possible. He or she is not the person to go to for help or emotional support. Here are 4 practical tips for leaving the narcissist successfully:
1. Cover your legal bases and do it soon. Anytime there is property, significant assets, and/or children involved, an attorney is very important. Enlist the services of an attorney who you feel safe and secure with, and who understands the dynamics of a potentially "high conflict" situation, as well as a thorough understanding of more peaceful alternatives like mediation. If the attorney glazes over or dismisses you when you bring up narcissism, find another attorney to work with.
2. Make some immediate financial preparations. In the short term, make sure you have access to money. Get a credit card in your own name, while your credit is still combined with your spouse's. Open a bank account in your name as well, and stash some emergency funds in it, just in case. Court orders are designed to protect you from having your access to funds blocked by a spouse, but it is always wise to expect that your partner may not "play by rules." Make copies of all financial records and information – tax returns, W-2's, paystubs, loan information, insurance policies, employee reimbursement accounts, mileage plans, car titles, property appraisals, bank statements, credit card statements, 401K statements, investment statements, and the like. Your attorney can give you a complete list of all documents needed. See a financial planner for advice about settlements and future outcomes.
3. Log and document everything – times, dates, and events. Record all the immoral, unethical, illegal, and destructive acts your spouse commits. This is particularly important if you live somewhere where there is fault assigned to divorce, or if you have child custody issues. If you have concerns for your children's safety with your narcissistic spouse and he or she doesn't agree to your custody terms, you might want to ask for a custody or parenting time evaluation. These can take many months so be sure to request it right away if it is necessary.
4. Avoid interacting with your narcissistic spouse, except as absolutely necessary. Avoid personal conversations, or assimilating his or her criticisms or manipulations of you. Remember, it is likely your spouse will try to belittle, dumbfound, or cause you to question your perception of reality. Be careful what information you share, keeping in mind it may all be used against you later.
http://www.grandlay.com/Article/Divorcing-A-Narcissist---4-Tips-For-Leaving-Successfully/564
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and visit:
http://www.womenslaw.org
http://www.divorcesource.com
http://www.divorcenet.com
http://www.divorce360.com
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Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com
Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals
http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
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"Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
2 Sure Ways to Silence You and Your Victimization
Mediating Domestic Violence Divorce Cases
Divorcing A Narcissist – 4 Tips For Leaving Successfully
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